To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

I can't prove the majority of men watch it. But in My life experience a lot do and have told me that so no proof needed.

When I ask how can someone prove their husband partner son doesn't, I am curious; do you just take their word for it? Is it a conversation you have with them? Do they say they never have or don't now because they know it is degrading to women? But what if they just say they don't? How would you know?

😀

Me too. I'd be really pleased this child (she IS still a child) has boundaries.

There was a recent woman's hour special on porn and relationship and broadly the view was it had been damaging to relationships and led to women feeling obligated to engage in sex acts beyond what they were comfortable with doing in order to match what the partner was watching in porn

The other angle that came up was the secrecy and time spent watching porn that could have been spent as a couple together. An extreme example but there was one women who's partner repeatedly bought secret laptops to watch porn on. Another woman who was disappointed that her husband would rather spend his retirement watching porn alone and as a result she was left going out on her own or with friends.

It might be worth a listen to see how watching a little bit of porn which could very well could be part of a healthy sex life can escalate into something damaging.

There has also been studies that show that many porn sites algorithms are selecting more extreme videos for new users without them explicitly setting out to searching for such pornography

Boundaries is not about control. I'd also dump husband if he smoked. My boundary is not living with a smoker. He can smoke if he chooses. That's not controlling him

Well I agree with you OP and she will be hard pushed to find a guy of her age who doesn’t watch some porn. That said if that’s her boundary then fine, I’d encourage her to stick with her decision.

What’s getting lost here is that DD doesn’t feel good about herself because her boyfriend is choking the bishop to other women. FFS people she’s 17! Remember how insecure we feel at 17, at any age really? He’s likely her first boyfriend. A lot of her firsts have been shared with him;
big important stuff that matters so much at 17.
Collective amnesia and middle aged who-gives-a-fuck jadedness has warped posters’ support for the daughter here. But nah, let’s give the Young Cock all the sympathy.
Give me strength.

Lol at that presented as evidence that men all watch porn.

So we asked people using a porn site if they watched porn.....

This.
Boundaries are critical for healthy relationships.
She was clear on hers.
Finishing with him is completely her choice to make.

This is worrying, so if you were married with children and this happened you would dump your partner over a personal choice that doesn’t effect you? Get a grip.

The controlling behaviour on here is worrying. It’s not normal and I hope OP realises this is not reality, it’s not my reality anyway. I don’t know anyone in all of my healthy circle of friends who control their boyfriends/ husbands to this degree. If it was a man controlling a woman it would be considered abuse.

But how did they get that way?

Can you? That’s really interesting. I’m not even going to ask how you know this…

WTAF?😱

I’m shocked by the existence of adult women who appear to think it’s some understandable, victimless little habit, like nosepicking.

She’s 17. If ever there’s a point to have principles and walk away it’s 17.

Amen to this.

Oh, you can get audio-described porn.

Actually, Loon, I think porn is old-fashioned in the same way that wolf whistling is. im old, but porn was more prevalent in my youth. Daily papers had soft porn and naked women in them as routine. Nowadays porn has become more hardcore, and users more desensitised to how dysfunctional this is

Good on her for ridding herself of her porn addict boyfriend. If I was you I'd be proud of her.

I understand what you’re saying and I agree it isn’t ‘cheating’. And she will probably struggle to find any boyfriend who doesn’t occasionally view porn.

However, it’s up to her to decide on her own boundaries and you really shouldn’t be getting involved. She’s entitled to have this as a boundary if she wants and she doesn’t have to move that boundary just because you would set a different one in her position.

Also, she’s 17. It’s normal for relationships to come and go at that age. And it’s fine at any age to end a relationship you’re not happy with, for any reason.

According to this https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-do-men-and-womens-porn-site-searches-differ/
it’s a lot and women too.

It might be that many of us are not shocked by it - we’re just not accepting it.

I’m not shocked that people smoke - but if my partner knew my views on smoking and went ahead and smoked in private, and I found out, I’d dump him too.

I think her views on porn are OTT and it’s wrong that she searched through his internet history.

But she has a boundary, which she explicitly told him about and he crossed it.

I say good for her for knowing when to not put up with something she’s uncomfortable with.

This is something you should be encouraging.

It’s not about the porn, it’s about her not willing to allow a man to cross her boundaries.

I wonder if... op is a man, the dad, who uses porn but suppresses his guilt about it as he knows its exploitative. But his dd rightfully is principled against it, forcing him to examine his own use of it, so he's trying to get mumsnet to validate his choices to relieve his conscience.

Am I close?

“My daughter does have strong principles as she has been brought up with them, including that porn is exploitative and has negative messages RE females”

So you said this but you’re showing something else.

You remind me of Groucho Marx, OP: “Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.” You're straddling the fence. Get over to your daughter’s side.

Stick to the principles you taught her, butt out, let her make the decisions she ‘might regret’. If I didn’t listen to my mother, I’d have made the decisions she said I’d regret and I’d have had, undeniably, a much happier past decade. I listened to her. The courage of my own convictions got lost in the noise of my mother’s support of my ex’s abhorrent porn habits.

“At least he doesn’t beat you,” is the redundant mentality you’re heading towards being a card carrying member of. Back your daughter, unquestioningly and with sincerity. Because her boyfriend isn’t.

How old-fashioned to think the exploitation of women and the normalisation of violent anal is more important than whether Colin from Guildford gets his rocks away without having bother about RL stuff like his partner’s pleasure.