To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

YABU she's setting firm boundaries for herself, that's a very good thing in a 17 year old! Encourage her to stick to her principles and support her in breaking up with him. If you reinforce the way she feels it will give her the confidence to keep her boundaries in place as she gets older and that is a very valuable asset to have as a young woman.

Be proud you've raised a strong young woman who has the confidence and self respect to bin a boy after such a red flag.

She doesn’t need to feel threatened by porn, or by her partner masturbating.

Every woman should feel threatened by porn.

But the damage to the women exploited by the porn industry is the same regardless of whether a porn consumer is single or not, or whether both people in a couple get off to it. I mean, I utterly enjoyed cocaine the twice in my life I used it, now decades ago. But my private enjoyment contributed to a massively exploitative criminal industry, therefore I’ve never used it again.

Only when the creation of pornography is made safe for the most vulnerable involved should it come down to in what circumstances it’s acceptable to consume it.

I think this is such an important message for everyone to be honest, whether it's about porn use or any other issue.

I don't think it's sad. Having violent, abusive, neglectful, ignorant, etc etc family friends or partners would be sad.

These people are none of those things.

Do you genuinely believe that every single male person I am close to in my life (family friends ex partners and husband) are all terrible people? I think it's sad to be so naive personally.

And this is your concern? No the fact that your dd started having sex at 15?

Exactly

If my boyfriend looked at porn he'd be out immediately and I'd never look back. Ever. It should be a deal-breaker for every woman. You should encourage her to cancel the trip and end it with him immediately. Porn is that hill to die on.

The decisions she makes now will cement how she responds in future relationships. If off the bat she is willing to cast someone off it they’ve crossed a personal boundary then I would be encouraging her to do that tbh

I know dh has watched porn in the past. We did together. He claims he doesn’t watch it now. My options are to believe him or don’t. The fact we have watched it together would
lead me to the side of trusting his answer as he has no reason to hide it.

So yes he could be.. would have to be at work mind, can’t even pee in this house without a child coming wanting something and he goes to bed as soon as I do, no I don’t force him I tell him to stay and watch his shows but he won’t.

So I’d say yes every man had watched porn but not every man watches porn. You can go off things.

People are right that she can have any boundary she wants. People are also right that most men look at porn - teenage boys especially, though many grow out of it a bit.

But I have to disagree with all the people saying she’s confident. In girls this age it’s usually at least in part about their own insecurities.

If she’s asked you for advice OP, it wouldn’t hurt to discuss her feelings, while validating her right to have boundaries. She doesn’t need to feel threatened by porn, or by her partner masturbating.

This is where I think the subject is more nuanced than that.

It's not always about porn effecting sex lives negatively or positively.

Of course we all agree porn needs to be more ethical, regulated and thanks to the Internet has evolved.

But what about single people who enjoy watching pornography? Or using it in the same way some people use sex toys and aids.

I'm not talking about porn addicts, but it is not as black and white as not needing it to have a good sex life. The 2 issues are not mutually exclusive.

But I digress.

What is wrong with you that you are looking for excuses for porn? Are you some type of coolgirl handmaiden? No, not every man does that, and it DOES NOT EXCUSE IT. It's sad that your daughter is more of a feminist and has more morals and principles than her own mother.

It’s your blasé attitude to porn and your dismissive attitude towards your daughter having an Issue with it, is why you’re getting negative responses op@Thegreatprocrastinator001

I don’t understand how society has managed to brainwash people into believing it’s normal for a man to look at women that aren’t their partners and wank over them. The patriarchy really brainwashed us and some women now take up the mantle and call it normal. Craziness

How sad for you that you only have men who look at porn in your life.

I once said to my ex, “You can’t raise a girl to be a confident woman if this is how you view them.” I learned about his porn addiction and child abuse all in one period and it was beyond awful. There’s no shock absorption for that.

Those who watch torture porn like my ex- and hopefully this is a small minority of porn viewers- aren’t fit to marry/be with women or raise children. And porn viewing can escalate to some heinous shit. Not always. It would be absolutely unfair of me to tar all viewers with my ex’s brush. But I have an issue with all porn viewers, if I’m honest. I won’t have another relationship for this reason. Those are my principles and I feel better sticking to what works for me and for my daughter, who was abused by her own porn viewing father- a former clinician and NHS safeguard lead. He’s in prison now.

You either trust them until they prove otherwise or you don't

Fairly normal to have a boyfriend at 15, which the daughter would have been when the relationship started. It’s also pretty normal for teenage boys to watch porn, unfortunately.

I think its not totally relevant that its porn. She said "please don't do that" He said "I won't" and then he did. It could have been smoking pot, racist talk, gambling....pretty much anything a person might have strong feelings about, the point is he lied to her about it. I couldn't be close with a liar and can understand why she won't either.

Is it me?

You seem to think one thing and do/question the other

You either think it's wrong and support her or you don't

I discussed it with partner when we were dating in much the same way we discussed other compatibilities. Did he lie? If he felt like all the partners of people on here who do use porn why would he?

Why is it so hard to believe people don't need porn to have great sex lives?

My ex husband used porn and was dreadful in bed.

Stating your boundaries on things like porn isn't control or abuse. He's free to carry on, she just isn't willing to put up with it.

You should be so proud of her. Many women will accept these things when younger and want to be cool girlfriends and it's only when we get older we develop stronger standards. She sounds ace.