To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

Exactly the point I made earlier too.

In my opinion a boundary is about your own behaviour and what you will and won't do, not controlling someone else's.

Gail Dines is really fantastic, your daughter would also learn a lot from reading her book. You could buy her a copy of this excellent book to read to make up for backing out of the holiday going on holiday.

Sorry I am a but confused about how you differentiate between a boundary and controlling behaviour. For example if she said I don't won't you to hang out with your friend anemone or I will break up with you (or see your family)... what would you consider that?

There's something quite disturbing about a parent trying to lower their child's expectations and boundaries, as well as writing about their 17 year old daughter in this way online.

I don't think this is what it seems.

There is an abstinence movement going on with young women, can’t really blame them with the prevalence of hardcore porn and all the harm that does to the psyche.

I’d be over the moon if that were my daughter.

Unfortunately some women are brought up to accept and excuse men's behavior.

Because boys will be boys and you better learn to keep your mouth shut if you want to get and keep a man.

"Don't go making a fuss luv, don't you know what men are like.
They have sexual needs that women must facilitate even if they don't like it"...is the story being peddled.

That gets passed from mother to daughter.

My beliefs today - as an almost 50 year old, would be entirely different from when I was a teenager

nowadays, I wouldnt care, but as a teenager i would have been very upset

Leave it, momma bear, really you need to back off out of this situation

Jesus, woman! Do you have any self-respect whatsoever? If you're fine with porn in your relationship then good for you, that's your right. Just like it's the right of any other woman to have boundaries and refuse to be in a relationship with a man who uses porn.

As long as there has been a discussion at some point about porn being a deal breaker then there is no excuse for the man using it. He had the option of choosing to bow out of the relationship and continue using porn, instead, he chose to do it in secret. That is one hell of a screaming red flag! Who wants to be with a lying cheating porn addict?

And for the record, I've been with my DH for 30 years and he'd be out on his ear in an instant if I found out he was using porn! Because we've had a discussion about it and he knows how I feel about and he had the option to CHOOSE to stay in the relationship and not use it.

I think your daughter is very sensible, and as a mother of daughters the consumption of porn by young men worries me enormously. It leads directly to these young men wanting/expecting their girlfriends to behave like porn "stars" in the bedroom and to tolerate a range of violent practices they see on porn, rough sex and strangulation being the most concerning.

This is a brilliant podcast and I strongly suggest you listen to it and send her the link.

Not a spoiler : I never knew about Hugh Hefner and Marilyn Monroe and it's disgusting.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/subject-to-power/id1649558183?i=1000614060897

Yes, it's baffling to me that adult women think that porn use is the same as their boyfriend looking at the body of a woman in the street or something -- that's it's a purely personal issue.

Pornography not only exploits and often damages the women involved in an often exploitative coercive industry with appalling and unsafe working conditions, but it contributes overwhelmingly to the idea that women's consent can be purchased, that treating women as sexual objects with no agency or right to their own pleasure is normal, and, possibly most concerningly, normalises increasingly violent and dangerous acts.

Every woman should be concerned about pornography. If you're fine with porn use by your partner, you are actively conniving in the increasingly violent and pornified world your daughter will have to live in.

I generally get to know people in my life, I think a lot of people do. If you have a average level of emotional intelligence you can tell a lot about people's attitudes to things without asking outright. And a good internal bullshit detector works too.

Hope you had your helmet ready posting anything like this on MN, bringing out the pearl clutching "do as I say I would do, but in reality unlikely I would" MN

I can understand your DD’s feelings but she should be dumping him because he looks at porn full stop.

Good on her is what I say! No matter how nice the lad is, how decent, if he's into porn then he has a bad attitude towards women.

Your girl has set high standards and I hope she sticks to it over the years!

I absolutely hate any sort of porn, including Mills and Boon, Game of Thrones, etc. ANYTHING with vile sex scenes, I hate seeing them climb into each other's mouths and strip off so if I was dating someone and found out he's into porn, I'd dump him.

You expressed certain view (watching porn is ok and normal) and posters expressed their attitude about your opinion. Certain opinions are really unpleasant/old fashioned/grim/ unacceptable/ misogynistic/sexist etc etc and this your view is one of them so it’s not surprising that people were “judgey” and “rude”. What did you want them to say? It’s not ok to think that watching porn is normal.
And usually it goes deeper than that so your DD probably just got the first red flag in her relationship but it certainly won’t be the last one. Going abroad for a week with someone who has different moral standards might be very challenging. So it’s a way better to stop relationship now if your Dd can’t trust her BF.

She can break up with her boyfriend for any reason she likes.

Exactly this!

Its not about porn or how many posters agree/disagree with it.

She has a boundary (no matter how silly some of us may think it is), which she told him about and he chose to cross it, knowing full well her feelings on it and the consequences.

She can choose to stick to her boundaries and end the relationship.
Or let him cross her boundaries and stay with him.

She’s choosing to stick by her boundaries, which is always a good thing.

It's always surprising to me that posts insist all men use porn and all women should accept it?

Bizarre ...like an alternate universe where women have accepted it as inevitable. It does feel sad. I say this as someone who watched it with my ex husband.

The joy of finding a man who didn't need it and was fab in bed has probably influenced me

I know! I'm really embarrassed for that poster tbh 😬

It isn’t about control - it’s about ethics. There is nothing ethical about porn, prostitution, smoking or drugs.

Sorry, have you used a screenshot showing the user stats that visit a website as proof that most men watch porn?

🤦‍♀️

Like hell is smoking a personal choice that doesn’t affect me. You do realise that smoking makes the smoker’s clothes stink of smoke? And that bringing those clothes in the house makes it stink? I turned a carpet fitter away as he’d sat in his van and smoked before he knocked on the door. When he came in the porch the stink came with him. Like hell was he fitting my nursery carpet.

My DH knows how hostile I am to smoking. My DM ended up with secondary cancer on the lung -an unusual secondary for the primary cancer. Not so unexpected when she spent hours in a smoke filled school staff room. So yes, if he took up smoking in secret, that would be it.

Would that apply if he said its not acceptable for you to be close with any male friends?

She's free to continue, but he doesn't have to put up with it if it makes him uncomfortable? Surely that logic can be applied (and not always sensibly like my example) to anything and will always be slightly controlling as its asking the other person to modify their behaviour to suit your needs?

Yes, this. Be proud that she has principles.

Well done to your DD for having boundaries and morals she’s willing to enforce.