To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

She's 17 not 7.

Teenage girls are often treated appallingly by boys these days.

So, well done to her for setting a standard and abiding by it.

Porn isn't bad just because it's exploitative. It teaches men and boys that they can strangle, slap and generally abuse their female partners (and a lot of girls feel it's normal and they have to endure it).

My DD ended it with her bf because he was addicted to porn before he'd even reached 20. Bloody good on her!!

Your daughter sounds spectacular OP and the world needs more women like her.

Because her mum wants her to be able to have satisfying adult relationships??

This!

She has decided that the porn is crossing a line for her. That's a perfectly valid and reasonable boundary to have. I don't think we should be encouraging our teenage girls to lower their standards and put up with stuff that they find uncomfortable or unacceptable. Quite the contrary, we should be encouraging them to value themselves and their own feelings and to realise that they don't ever need to stay in relationships that are making them unhappy in some way.

Nah, she’s 17, she should see who else is out there.

It being "part of life" doesn't make it good, or "normal" in history. In fact, the normalisation of watching exploited vulnerable young women having often degrading sex on camera in exchange for money is historically quite recent.

I don't buy this idea that it's just impossible for poor men to exist in the world without porn. What did they do 50 years ago? How did men cope 200 years ago? It's just nonsense, but it's nonsense that makes a lot of people money, and nonsense that oppresses women to boot. So of course there's pressure to accept it.

People say "good luck finding a man that doesn't watch porn" and it's like they're speaking a different language. I would rather not have a man than have one who needs (or even prefers) to reach sexual satisfaction by watching exploitation on camera. It is not normal to see other people fuck so much, and it's not moral to watch it when the people involved are exploited. It's acceptable to refuse any man who cares more about a wank than the safety and dignity of women. It's like people in the past saying "good luck finding a man who doesn't beat you up!" I mean, if that's the standard, I want out of the whole system.

Very true. Some things are disgusting because of the man rather than the thing itself.

She got the ick and should trust her instincts.

Might I add I do agree that if she feels betrayed/unhappy then of course she is more than right to end the relationship.

I do think what OP is asking is that she may need to be aware that she may meet lots of men she falls for who watch porn, so if this is her hill to die on then just be aware of that? (And that's also fine of course)

She has set her boundaries. BF crossed them. It’s not like she has a mortgage/kids with this guy, so she can easily leave him if she chooses.

Time to teach DD that sticking to boundaries she sets with men is a good thing, and time to stop excusing men who trample boundaries.

You should be teaching her not to take any shit from.boys and that her boundaries are her boundaries and she is entitled to them. Not that having a boyfriend is the important thing. Good for your DD for having standards.

I’d be immensely proud of her and encourage her to get rid. Pornography is scourge on humanity. So I’d also tell her that insecurity shouldn’t be a reason for this dealbreaker, but rather self-respect and caring about human trafficking, drug abuse, the safety of women and girls. And generally the porn saturated culture heaping misery upon misery in a thousand and one ways.

She can do better. And you can want more for her.

There are two issues here.

A) porn, it's more easily viewed than at any time in history and I'm sure every 18 year old man in the country has looked at it

B) OPs DD asked her BF not to look at it, and he ignored her.

The rights and wrongs of porn are neither here nor there.

BF did something she asked him not to, because it upset her, and now she doesn't want to see him. I think that's understandable.

It's not controlling to dump someone for watching porn, when you've already told them you will do this. It's perfectly fine to make choices that are right for you, especially if you're young and don't have children together. You shouldn't force yourself to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy, and being with someone who watches porn rightly makes many people unhappy (myself and OP's daughter included).

It's not really a "boundary" either I guess, boundary is just the latest example of therapyspeech seeping into everyday language.

OP: well done got raising a young woman who knows her worth and is comfortable putting her values first.

Are you a man, OP??
Most girls don’t probably watch porn in the same way men and teen boys do.

It makes them feel better to think their other half having such a low view of women is perfectly fine and normal.

Sad really 😔

MN will flock to your DDs offence here. Im With you OP however it is upto your daughter leave her too it she will have to learn!

It’s also about what behaviour you will accept from others.

I wouldn’t say be friends with a murderer, that’s a boundary, I’m not stopping them from being a murderer but I’m saying I don’t be their friend. The choice to murder or not is there’s.

Same with smoking or doing crack cocaine or anything I don’t find fits with my morals

It’s not controlling to say you won’t be friends with / date someone who does something you are against.

Controlling

I wouldn't date a man who watches porn. It's not about me trying to control others or extending my values to them, it's about me wanting a life partner whose values are compatible with mine.

Why is it always the rude 'pearl clutching' when there's disagreement?

I think if you don't accept it you can't have a relationship with a man, then. Which is fine of course.

Starting to agree.

I think op is a man. I can't believe any decent mother would think this way about her own daughter. I can believe a father who watches porn would though.