To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

Fair point, @Missymoo100.

Are there societal harms by pornography- yes I believe so... Does that mean this teenage boy on an individualistic level is beyond all redemption or what he has done is so heinous he cannot be forgiven?.. I think not. He just done what many of his peers will be doing, what’s relatively normal for boys his age (even if we disagree ) I dont think he’s done anything so hugely wrong that she needs to dump him, but that’s just my opinion, but she needs to figure it out for herself.
It’s also not a direct crossing of her boundary, it’s something he has done alone in private, I suspect it’s more about trust/infidentility issue than boundary crossing I would guess.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius do you think it is a good thing that young men are seeing content that gives them a very unrealistic view of what the female body should look like, and teaches them that every woman will do anal sex or that extreme, dangerous practices such as choking are a normal part of sex?

That depends on what the men are watching, and what they are aroused by. If young men are watching videos of two women kissing and cuddling (for example), then there is nothing in that video that would instill an idea of rough sex or choking into a man's mind. There are plenty of men who are not aroused by videos of choking or rough sex, and will not search for those videos.

If a young man seeks out videos of extreme, dangerous sex practices, then to me that would suggest there is something wrong with that man to begin with, before he watched the video. Is there any evidence that it's the videos that are changing the sexual preferences of men?

As for choking, I imagine it's shite like 50 Shades of Grey that has done far more to normalise that. Most men are not idiots and know the videos they see online are videos of actors. However, when young men see a bunch of women reading a book about BDSM, then some (very stupid and very naive) young men will get the idea in their head that women secretly love pain.

If I had a daughter, I would not want her being pressured to accept anal sex or choking. I would want her to have sex with men who respected her, and didn't just see her as a sex toy for their use.

like where did this come from, wtf?? He hasn’t done any of those things so let’s not jump ahead of ourselves

Don’t put words in my mouth. No I don’t think it’s a good thing - have I said such a thing? I’ve never said any of those things are ok. I also said I don’t agree with porn. But that said I don’t know if it’s entirely realistic to think most men haven’t looked at some point. I’m not sure if ending the relationship is proportionate to the supposed “crime”- but each to their own.
It also doesn’t mean because he has looked, that it will lead to any of the aforementioned things, no such thing has been suggested by the op and you are drawing vast sweeping conclusions here.

I would dump over it, watching porn is a hard no for me

@Missymoo100 - do you think it is a good thing that young men are seeing content that gives them a very unrealistic view of what the female body should look like, and teaches them that every woman will do anal sex or that extreme, dangerous practices such as choking are a normal part of sex? As a previous poster has said, if you are watching the most mild porn, the more extreme stuff is only a click or two away, and I am sure that young men are learning from everything they watch.

If I had a daughter, I would not want her being pressured to accept anal sex or choking. I would want her to have sex with men who respected her, and didn't just see her as a sex toy for their use.

And regardless of your views or mine on porn, I would not want any woman having sex with anyone who thought it was OK to transgress HER boundaries (whether we agree with those boundaries or not) - which is what the OP's dd is facing. She has a boundary, which she is completely entitled to hold, and wants a sexual partner who will respect that. If she accepted him transgressing that boundary, what is going to happen to any other boundaries she may have? Will he feel it's OK for him to ignore those too?

People with sensible, pragmatic perspectives like @Missymoo100 make me want to greatly reduce my porn consumption so I can compromise and meet in the middle.

As a teenage boy...Kay's catalogue was an interesting discovery.
And no digital footprint back then.

I think there are a lot of women projecting their own insecurities here, acting very puritanical.

I remember having similar strong feelings about a boyfriend doing same when I was a teenager but my feelings about it have mellowed since.

true a lot of men don’t watch porn, but the majority will have at some point viewed it. Women also view porn and it’s not that uncommon. Most people do not consider it an act of infidelity.

i happen to think this is something she could forgive him for if she likes him, but down to her to work out if the relationship is worth salvaging.

I’m suprised anyone manages to maintain a relationship, if they’d dump their boyfriends over this. And for the record, I don’t like porn or agree with what it stands for.

Tbh has everyone has smartphones I doubt ivf clinics are providing anyone with jazz mags anymore.

Adult content has been around for ever. The point is if one person in a relationship has strong objections the other should respect that. The only problem is controlling attitudes tend to just make people lie and hide their actions.

That doesn't prove it's essential though does it? It just proves that some IVF clinics waste money on actual wankers.

And...? The NHS also asks for a person's gender instead of their sex, calls women menstruators and birthing parents, says women chestfeed and up until recently was prescribing puberty blockers to children who didn't conform to gender stereotypes.

There are so many depressing assumptions about women who don't like porn. The OP's daughter is "insecure".'

'but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure'

It's there in the op no 'assumptions' made.

Viewing adult content should be a private matter. The op's dd shouldn't be viewing histories as that is intrusive. If she doesn't approve then fine, move on and find someone else. It should not be a drama.

It's literally provided by the NHS to men attending fertility clinics.

This is exactly what I was trying to say, @Thegreatprocrastinator001 - but far less articulately than @honestyISkind.

Oops-I think this is on the wrong porn thread. Applies to this one too, though!

Posted too soon. And the idea that porn is essential for masturbation has really become entrenched. Lots of money being made by a few people. As usual.

There are so many depressing assumptions about women who don't like porn. The OP's daughter is "insecure". I am old, fat and ugly. Others are prudes who are horrified at the concept of masturbation.

The idea that we might have self worth and object to the exploitation of other women is beyond comprehension. The porn industry really has done a number on society, both men and women, hasn't it?

She sounds strong and as though she knows her own self worth. Far better to be alone than tolerate a liar. Well done indeed to that young woman.

As the harms of porn have been proven over the past couple of decades more women are dumping pornsick men.

It leads to ED even in young men once all the horrific rabbitholes of violent abusive and illegal activity are exhausted.

All porn addicted men travel down these violent and abusive holes because they can't get the dopamine hit from basic porn within a short time. It's just how the brain works. And abusive porn is two clicks away from average porn.

It's been well documented for years that pornheads enjoy much more degrading and violent sex than those who only occasionally or never use porn.

He's already lying to her. This indicates he's unwilling to control his wants and feels entitlement. It doesn't augur well for their future at all.

Good for her.

There's at least one pro porn name that's familiar to me from past threads on MN.

The OP's understanding of what lies behind her daughter's refusal to play nice and accept her boyfriend's unacceptable choices is fundamentally flawed.

It takes courage to set and stick to your boundaries. It does nothing for your confidence when others you trust are suggesting you are wrong.

@Janiie - holding her boundary with her boyfriend takes courage and confidence.

It's the value we place on human life, you mean.

Human life doesn't intrinsically contain more value than an animal's life. We all just think it does on account of the fact that we're human and most animals (of which we are an animal) will prioritise other members of their own species above that of other species.

That does not mean that humans are more valuable to the planet than other animals by any other metric that is not rooted in our own biases towards our own species.