I have a friend of the last 6-7 years. We originally met through our partners and have become closer as have youngest children the same age who get on very well. Friend is in a very abusive relationship with her partner who is a dependent drinker. He and my partner no longer speak or interact as partner does not like who he has become etc.
I have supported my friend numerous times - been there to help and advise and never judged her staying in the relationship as I get that it isn’t easy to walk away. However I have started to distance myself recently for my own mental health as she was relying on me so heavily. All her other friends have cut off contact completely as her partner is so abusive to them when they try to help etc. I arranged counselling with her for her children and herself and made safety plans with her, but have found it overwhelming so have gained back a bit of distance.
I have now received a party invitation to her child’s small tea party at their home for their birthday for my child. It is four friends to be dropped off for tea party and collected a couple hours later. I am not going to take my child and have them in the house where there have been multiple police call outs for DV and drinking from her partner. However I want to gently tell her the truth so that she gains some perspective of the situation. But my partner thinks I should save her feelings and say we are busy. This then means other invites could come our way and I will be constantly caught in a lie.
AIBU for telling her the truth? For context I would happily meet away or attend parties away from the house and was hoping to soften the party decline with saying I would take the children out to dinner for the birthday treat etc and still do presents etc.