AIBU telling friend the truth?

Brilliantly put by @IncompleteSenten

This:

IncompleteSenten · Today 14:27
I'd tell her the truth.
It reaches a point when protecting her feelings has to take a back seat and something that's very probably fucking up her kids is that point.

She needs to recognise that the situation is condemning her DCs to social isolation.

I'd tell her the truth.
It reaches a point when protecting her feelings has to take a back seat and something that's very probably fucking up her kids is that point.

How do you know that about me? Or her? Her sense of reality and perspective could be completely altered by her domestic situation, often people don't have the capacity to think long term or bigger than the the immediate when they are living in such stress and difficulties, they can't see clearly or think logically about what to do or what is happening to them because they are so in it. There is no right or wrong for OP here but I understand why she doesn't want to engage with the situation and pretend everything is ok nor avoid it and also pretend everything is ok.

I definitely think offering to stay and help with the party is the best idea. For the sake of your friendship and the birthday child - it would be a shame if his/her friendships were damaged to their father.

And maybe think of other ways of speaking to your friend and supporting her, but maybe at another time.

Also, as someone who grew up witnessing domestic violence in the home, that my mother now says wasn't 'that bad', she may not be aware of how bad it is.

I would be honest and emphasise I’m happy to meet up with her outside of her home. I’d also be informing social services each time he returned to the home, I would not be complicit in any way in putting the children at harm.

I would want to know if he is going to be there and offer to stay just in case.
I feel sorry for the other parents if they have no idea that their kids could potentially be around a drunk abusive man so I hope they are either aware of it already or that he doesn't show up.

I would be honest and no way would I subject my child to this sadly the other children have to live with it though hopefully social services will listen one day

i've been in this situation almost exactly and I told my friend the truth. Yes there was a little upset but long run it helped her see that staying was not sustainable if she wanted any semblance of a normal life. Lying and going along with the happy life facade only prolongs things.

I really disagree with all the posters urging you to continue avoiding the gaping hole in the floor: her abusive relationship. You have tried helping, counseling, supporting—and you are not removing thise offers. But if you were to let your children go over there you would be, in a psychological term, colluding in her fantasy that there are safe times and normal relationships for her children.

Your friend chooses to live on the efge of an unstable volcano. Of course she wants to hold a kid’s party there . But its a volcano!

Would you think it a good idea to protect her from the knowledge that this is a terrible idea?

The bottom line is the children—her children—are not safe in that house. She needs to recognize that and stop papering over the horror with balloons snd cake.

I think that as you have helped her with counselling and safety plans, you are probably ideal placed to say something.

Just be honest and say that with everything that's gone on, you aren't happy with your child being there and maybe a different venue - picnic in a local park?

If you were still closer, I would have said could you let her host it at yours as it's only a small party, but if you are trying to distance yourself a bit, then maybe not

Of course she fucking does. Better than you ever could. Pointing it out does nothing but rub it in her face.

I think offering to stay at the party is a good compromise. If she is opposed to that, I don’t think it’s wrong to gently tell her the truth. As you note, it can take multiple attempts for someone to leave an abusive relationship but if she understands that it is starting to cause her children to become isolated, that might be an additional motivation for her to properly end the relationship.

The point: she perhaps doesn't realise the full consequences of the DV and implications on her and DC lives or is avoiding and being coerced. I understand that the OP doesn't want to lie and disguise a truth here, that the DV situation is impacting everything and people don't want to enable it or engage with it . I think it's brave to give gentle honesty if you can, but coupled with support and alternatives, you're not cutting her out, you're just setting your own boundaries OP which you have every right to do. Perhaps say, we're not comfortable coming to the house but would love to meet elsewhere for a birthday catch up when you are free. If you play along by saying you are busy and avoiding the real reasons, you are colluding in the pretence that everyone and everything is ok, it's not!! and you're not helping the friend by pretending that it is and validating the normalizing of DV.

she may say no to your staying @WorthyPanda

I would explain. But also stay with your child for the party

Is there a third option where you stay at the house for the duration? Offer to help out with setting up the party or something. I completely understand your predicament but also just thinking about the poor child whose party it is having no one turn up possibly!

So you want to ruin the tiny bit of joy she and her kids might have with the party- by telling her the truth in order to make yourself feel better

Dont go but say you’re busy and send a card and present.

You adding further negativity and embarassing the woman is callous and unkind. Your words of ‘truth’ about not attending a birthday party isn’t going to change the trajectory of her and the kids life now is it?

for her own sake, tell her and tell her why, help her face reality

However I want to gently tell her the truth so that she gains some perspective of the situation.

Op do you really want her to gain perspective or do you think you want to tell her because you want to vent about what YOU think about the situation? You can't honestly think telling her this will open her mind the way you're hoping for. Most likely you will humiliate her at a time she probably already feels low and on top of that she will feel awful for the child's party she is trying to plan. Be a real friend and save your clarity talk for when its just you two alone and let her have some peace for this party. Either go and stay with your child or make your excuses and do something else with her at a later time. I definitely understand the need to speak up and not turn a blind eye to abuse but you need to consider your own motives for wanting to speak to her and make sure what you're telling her is for her good rather then telling her about all her failings.

The friendship is doomed.

Use this as an opportunity to cut ties with altogether.

That sounds like a horrendous situation for the children. They have an abusive drunken father staggering in and out of their lives. Can you speak to social services yourself and explain what's going on? Someone needs to safeguard those children. Can you inform the school safeguarding as well, if you know where they go.

I don't think I could remain friends with someone bringing their children up with an abusive drunk.

As she's your friend could you not stay for the party and then you can leave when drunken dh gets back.