DS girlfriend never goes home

Her home life isn't really relevant though - obviously it's sad if she's struggling or having problems, but it's not OP's place to step in and provide her with somewhere to say if she doesn't want to.

I don’t understand these sorts of posts and feel I must be missing something here. Surely you’d just say ‘DS, your GF can only stay over two/three nights a week’ or whatever you’re comfortable with. I don’t think you need to subtly ask about her home life or speak to them together. You speak to your own son and that’s that no?

This 100% sometimes people are piss takers, but I was that girlfriend and I didn't want to go home because it was horrible there.

The gf being in your house when your son isn't there is really not on. I once had this with a female lodger who had my attic room - I had no idea her bf was there until I heard noises when she was out.

If she's in your home when your son is out and you need to go out, what happens? It's one step from her having her own keys to your house. Don't do it!

Of course you are not unreasonable! Are you feeding her every meal as well?

’DS, your girlfriend appears to have moved in. I am grieving at the moment, and need my space back. Can she please go home. I am happy for her to stay one night a week but there’s no reason for her to be here when you’re not.

end

Sorry for your loss.

It would be a good an inoffensive reason to change the rules on who stays when, citing you are very upset and grieving and want privacy to cry and mourn.

So for the foreseeable the rule is xyz.

I would explain only one night a week and she goes home when he’s not there.
I’m an introvert and I can’t cope with not having my own space. I sometimes struggle with my own children and DH.

@Hazeby

why would it cause a rift? I doubt OP’s relationship with her son is so fragile and that her son is so highly strung .

Too waffly. Just say she can stay one night a week, and obviously only when the son is also home.

OP doesn't need to enquire into the woman's home life or 'support' her son dating.

@Pandasandtigers

so OP should just put up with things as they are then?

Sorry your loss. You of course need some space just decide what suits you and tell them.

I'd speak to ds about it, ask him directly and say you've noticed that gf is here most nights and you're surprised because you thought she'd want to have time with her family. Ask ds what her family situation is and if she's close with them etc.

I'd just tell him straight, you really like her, you're really supportive of their relationship but you also want to have some nights where she's not in the house so you can all have time together as a family and don't have to feel like you're hosting. I'd explain that it's great he feels so comfortable with her and can spend lots of time together and still get on so well, but that he needs to be mindful that it's a shared space and other people need their privacy too. I'd tell him that it'll be the same when they go to uni, their housemates won't want a bf or gf staying every night of the week and it'll cause issues.

Essentially they're living together and it sounds very intense. I'd put a cap on the number of nights.

@bluebellsinthewoods I am so sorry for your loss and understand your need to have some personal space - especially just now.

I think it is entirely reasonable to be setting ground rules around when she stays at yours. Particularly about her not staying in your house, when your son isn't there. That's really not on and is taking the piss, especially as, I assume, she isn't paying anything towards the extra cost she will be giving you?

I would have a quiet word with your son first and find out if there is something going on in this girl's home life which means she doesn't feel she can go home. Depending what he says, it might help you to decide exactly what ground rules you want to lay out. If she is definitely going to University in September and in a different town a long distance away you might just want to lay out the one ground rule that she isn't in your house, when he isn't there.

On the other hand, if there is no major problem with her going home, then yes, I would be laying out all the ground rules right now, such as how many nights per week she can stay, any nights she can't stay ( e.g. a Sunday night, as someone else said) and definitely, she doesn't stay in your home while he isn't there.

At the very least, you need to tell him what you have said here, that you need your own space, especially just now, and it really isn't on that she stays in your house when he isn't there.

I, personally, wouldn't be getting into a discussion with the GF - I would be discussing it only with your son - and getting him to tell her what the new ground rules are. At the end of the day, it is his responsibility to have the difficult conversation with her.

I would talk to them and say a max of two nights a week is fine.

Having another teen in the home all the time using the utilities and eating your food will add money wise apart from anything else.

It sounds a bit intense for a young couple anyway, I'm not sure basically living together at 18 is a great idea. They need time with other friends and having their own lives.

You sound kind.
Time to be more direct regarding boundaries though.

Condolences on your bereavement OP, you will of course be anxious for your own space.

DD (20) and her BF have been together 2 years and he’s never stayed more than 1 night a week! I couldn’t cope with every night.

You do need to set out ground rules now with your DS but I also wonder if you could try to find out if there are issues with the girl at her home - I can’t imagine DD staying around all Daly at her boyfriends when he is not there. Of course this isn’t for you to resolve but maybe you could support her in whatever she is going through - while making sure she goes home!!! Especially if it’s only that he is not allowed to sleep over at hers, that is no excuse to move in with you.

Also at 18 they need time apart - it’s too young for deep entanglements, especially if she is moving away.

My dc always asked me if first if friends could sleep over or join for family meals. It's just courtesy.

This is not her home. Just have a friendly chat with both of them face to face and say
Lovely as it is to see you dsgf we need our alone time as a family. You're welcome to stay one or two nights but other than that we need the house to ourselves. Obviously you're going to need to get familiar with the local bus timetable so you can get home safely .
If you don't set the household rules they will assume it's okay to live in 24/7

I would perhaps have a think about the ground rules over the next 2 months. If she stops staying over then the problem is solved. If not, then you will have to say something. I don’t understand why you can’t grieve though. Your son has presumably told her what’s happened so I don’t think she would be bothered if you were upset or spending a lot of time in your room. As a teen I spent a lot of time at bf house (his mum was unwell at one point) so we would just make our dinner if she wasn’t up to cooking and left her to relax/do what she wanted.

Is she hanging around the common areas? My 18yo has his girlfriend around a lot too but they hang out in his room, I barely see her. He's set up a bit of a lair in there with a TV, bar fridge etc.

At the very least this girl should go home while your DS is out.

Ask her to start contributing to household finances. That should put an end to it.

The problem with the ‘I pay the bills so set the rules’ narrative to me is that it makes the DC feel like guests when often they have no other option realistically but to be living at home. And it is their home just as much regardless of who is on the mortgage

So I’d approach it as an issue of my personal space and privacy. I explained to my DC I just don’t feel as relaxed when I have a guest staying no matter how lovely that guest is and suspect they would feel the same if I moved a friend in.

Agree some limits together. Explain how special alone time or nuclear family time is to you. Reinforce you like her and this will be the rule for other partners too.

two nights a week sounds reasonable. He can stay at hers two nights as week if he wants to see her more. And I’d definitely say she cannot hang around when he isn’t there.

just take care he doesn’t move over to hers full time and you don’t see him. Equally I’d explore what might be happening for her at home and why her parents don’t seem bothered she is never at home

To be honest, if she's going to uni in September I'd just suck it up.

No point in causing an argument and ill feelings that could last far beyond September.

Just tell him two nights max, anymore than that and you'll be telling her yourself she needs to go home.