DS girlfriend never goes home

The problem with the ‘I pay the bills so set the rules’ narrative to me is that it makes the DC feel like guests when often they have no other option realistically but to be living at home. And it is their home just as much regardless of who is on the mortgage

Er no. It's their home BUT it's a family home not for anyone to stay weeks on end, not contributing and just do as they please .
When I grew up, I always asked no matter how old I was because it was considerate to everyone else who lived there. And yes, they aren't paying bills so don't get to do as they please.

So scared of your kids that now you have to suck it up for a stranger too?
Why are some people so afraid of upsetting their children.

Yanbu op, they are barely adults. Seems like neither have respect for you or your home. Why can't you tell your ds straight up that this is not acceptable and ask him why doesn't he ever go there?
Seems like they have made themselves too comfortable and taking advantage.

You can't even grieve in peace an privacy. I would tell him it's time for her to go home like now.

Beautifully worded. I would say this OP. They are taking the piss.

Not unreasonable and you have a very good reason right now. Not that you need a reason
Speak to both perhaps and say you need space to yourself and perhaps they can go to hers a couple of nights a week.
or ask her to pay rent!

If somebody is staying in my house, I would consider them a guest.
And that means I would be talking to them and building a relationship with them whenever they are around. I would make sure I knew a bit about her background right at the beginning of the relationship if she were staying overnight in my house. And I would expect her to be open, honest and sociable with all family members not just my son.

If she started to stay longer than I was expecting, I would be concerned that her family wouldn’t be happy with that and I would check that out with one of them.
If I found out that she was staying because of family problems at home then although I would want to be helpful and sympathetic to that, it would mean to me that she is no longer a guest as such but rather more like a lodger.
I would also be concerned that there may be an element of her taking advantage of my son’s good-will and using him to a certain extent, just for a place to escape to, which isn’t a good basis for a relationship from his point of view.

I think you have to ask either her or him what her family think about never seeing her…aren’t they upset about it as you would be very upset and concerned if the situation were reversed. That is, -concerned about the reason behind it, concerned about the relationship and concerned about the cost to the hosting family of an extra adult in the house.

As adults now, both of them should be pre-empting these points and not just expecting that it can drift on without enlightening you as the host and provider of food and utilities.

If neither of them is naturally forthcoming, I think it’s incumbent on you to find out more about her home life, and what the plan is for her future, rather than letting it continue, as if reality doesnt matter at all.

Only when you know the full story, you can come to some sort of agreement which is agreeable to everybody in the household.

Tread carefully, I was that gf at 16/17/18 and had an emotionally abusive household. Staying with my bf (who was abusive to me but that’s a whole different matter) was the only place I felt safe for the first time in years! I see your side but there may be reasons why she feels so safe in your home

If you decide to suck it up for two months I would make sure you have boundaries in place for holidays when she is not in Uni.

I would decide what I want and tell son and girlfriend that. E.g. girl friend is welcome on x days. I wouldn't want her sleeping over though.

Honestly just have a conversation with them about it.
Tell them you feel like she has moved in and you don't have any privacy in your own home.
As of Monday she is welcome to stay two nights a week and be here when ds is but not to stay here all day when he is out.

Having a good relationship or friendship with someone doesn't mean you have to offer them a home, feed them and provide for them.

She needs to go home - this isn't her house.

As I'm sure others have said, it's not a great setup as how do they have space from each other? I would want my 18 year old to see home as a place he can breathe. Yes he's an adult and yes they could live together, but I wouldn't want it to be by default. I think it could prolong a relationship that at that age may not be destined to be forever. I would say 2/3 nights per week, but you may have to suck it up as it has already happened.

The teen girl nose almost certainly hiding away in DS room though until he comes home, it's unlikely she's making herself at home and making lunches and lounging in the living room woth Netflix for hours on end.

I think you meed to be really clear in your own head what the problem is and what will fix it.

If you frame it as needing time to grieve, they will both thinknitd temporary.

If you think it will.be a problem with the next girlfriend or in half terms, you need to have a talk with him about that.

Personally, i would look to just accept it for a few months until she goes to uni.

I'm sorry for your loss. I do understand the need for space.

But OoP is recently bereaved. She would like her home to be a sanctuary not a hotel.

Then her DS should have let them know and ASK if it's ok for her to stay

How much extra is it costing I wonder?

Maybe the OP wants to go wherever she wants to in her own home, not be stuck in her room?

Just set a limit of 2 nights a week. Also, she should not be there when your son isnt.

Sorry for your loss x

Maybe her situation at home is not good. Why not try to be her friend instead. And she's around so you'll have a friend aswell. And who knows one day thry might get married etc, you dont want to be in bad relationship with them.

Some teens definitely have problems at home, but I've also had known of occasions of claimed poor parenting where it eventually turns out there was none. Sometimes the parents were also wondering where they were. For example, I put up a friend of my youngest last year-it turned out he had been told he would be thrown out if he didn't get a job, so he left, was eventually brought here, and told me his parents hated him and he didn't know why.

I think that this is clear, concise and would do the job. No need to question what's going on in the girl's own home, as you have troubles of your own right now, and she is not your responsibility, although I'm assuming that if she had a problem and needed your help, she would tell your DS and he would speak to you about it.

Sorry for your loss OP

Perfectly acceptable to limit the number of nights. Have a discussion with dc

Of course you are not being unreasonable, but this is why it is absolutely essential to establish ground rules.
I've always been mocked on Mumsnet for taking the stance of 'no overnight stays for GFs' for my DS ... I stated this (on here) when he was young and was always told 'you'll change your mind when he gets older' ... he's now 23 and to be fair he's never actually asked to have a GF stay over so we've never had to have the discussion . I know he's had GFs at Uni & he had a fairly long term relationship at 18/19 but it never necessitated sleep overs so it's not as if he's celibate but it's not my job to facilitate his sex life.
Stand firm, decide what it acceptable ... maybe two nights and explain to your DS.

I wouldn't be ok with that. Why is she there when he isn't? Could you ask him if there's any reason why she can't go home?

If there are none, put some boundaries in place

‘Morning Jane, I can give you a lift home at 11.30 or drop you at bus, what’s best?’

’Morning DS, are you walking Jane to bus stop or is she getting collected?’

I’d be saying that she can’t stay 2 consecutive night, and that it is for a maximum of 2 night per week. And that she is not allowed to be inside the house when he is not there- ever. she can come over when he is there in the house during day as and when, unless there is family time or you, or someone else in family has need for privacy - when you’re needs for privacy take priority over your sons need to see gf- they can meet at hers instead.

explain to your son, that whilst he loves his girlfriend, and you like her, you do not love her (yet?) and want to spend time in your own home without her being present. You simply don’t, and won’t ever, feel the same intimacy and trust as he does- and that’s is perfectly normal otherwise you’d be asking her to marry you !
Tell him for you it’s no different from you’re not going to advertise for a lodger to live with you as you need privacy.
whislt this is his home, it is also home to you, and rest of family and his needs to develop his relationship with his gf do not usurp the needs of people living in the house as their home and as family.

there is also costs to think of- it costs more to have another adult there. I think you could also, at a bit of a stretch, say it has insurance implications for her to be there alone , any claim would be rejected (ok, maybe not quite true but worth a little,exaggeration)

she can stay occasionally as a guest when he is there. They are to treat it as she is guest of family and not just him. She needs to be respectful of the family rules around home . You won’t expect her to contribute on these terms.

and no, you will not ever take her on as a live in lodger, in other words by accepting contributions to bills etc. that way lies madness if relationship breaks down.