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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be so angry?!

92 replies

CatsRuleOkay · 19/07/2024 18:36

I split up with my ex about 6 years ago, we have a DD who is 12.

We started off doing 50:50 which I knew he wouldn’t be able to keep to as his job is so important to him. Pretty soon, we had after school club complaining he was always late & my DD complaining he was always shouting.

I now have her the majority of the time, she is not easy!

In the last week, my DD has been on holiday with my ex & it has been so chilled & peaceful at home, I feel like a new woman!

My ex & I do exactly the same job, both full time. AIBU to feel so angry that he gets a full week off every other week whereas it’s a luxury to me that happens once every few years?!

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsRuleOkay · 19/07/2024 19:06

I think “most parents not having time off” aren’t single Mums who work full time.

Perhaps I’m an oddity for wanting time off from being responsible for everything but that’s how I feel.

On the face of it, we’re both her parents, we both work full time doing the same job but I carry the can for at least 80% of the parenting.

Every now & again, the unfairness of it hits me, like when she’s been away for a week - I’ve had time to myself, got the house in order, got on top of things & realised this is what his life is like all the fucking time.

OP posts:
Despair1 · 19/07/2024 19:05

Hi OP, you are entitled to feel resentful. As you said, a week to yourself and you felt like a new woman. Unfortunately, that's the reality of single parenthood. The single parent does most or all of the parenting. Unfair but that's life

Jumblebum · 19/07/2024 19:01

I really think you need to find a way to reframe this situation. It is absolutely not a punishment to be a parent. Most parents don't get any "time off" from their children. Most parents wouldn't want it. I don't think that deep down you want to have lots less time with your child, you're just resentful of his freedoms. And like any jealousy and resentment, it will eat you up and your child will suffer.

purpleme12 · 19/07/2024 18:58

Oh bloody hell

I get what you're saying OP

I'm sure OP is venting

I'm sure she doesn't see her as a chore.
My child's dad doesn't give me a break hardly and very little money. It's hard not to feel resentment sometimes.
But it doesn't cloud your life even if you feel like that sometimes.
My child is hard work too. There's nothing wrong with saying that. I also love her and do my best by her.

It's ok to feel like this OP

Original poster
CatsRuleOkay · 19/07/2024 18:55

I’m her rock, her stable influence- because I have to be as he’s Missing In Action.

Just feels like I’m being punished for being “the good guy” which is generally a Mum’s reality.

OP posts:
Maryamlouise · 19/07/2024 18:52

Get it, we are together but I have ended up as the default parent which shows in the holidays as he seems to leave it all to me. Mostly I do think I am so lucky to spend loads of time with them and wouldn't change that but it is definitely exhausting and I would like a break

Eyesopenwideawake · 19/07/2024 18:52

I now have her the majority of the time, she is not easy!

Might as well start saving up for her therapy now.

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2024 18:51

One of mine is 13 year old. And no they are not easy by any means at the moment. They are draining as much as I love them

Original poster
CatsRuleOkay · 19/07/2024 18:49

I work full time, my other job is parenting. Can you not understand that just having one job is easier than having two?

I love my DD but it is relentless having to do the majority of parenting whilst my ex gets to opt out!

OP posts:
IAmAWarriorPrincessHonestGuv · 19/07/2024 18:47

I’m sad for your daughter that you seem to see her as a ‘chore’ and it’s a ‘luxury’ to have time off from her.

Maybe try looking more positively the fact you get to hang out with her and he doesn’t. You get the opportunity to build a close relationship with her that he can’t. But it won’t happen if you make her feel unwanted and you will be at the moment - your feelings about her will leak through and she’ll know that her mum would rather not have her around. I can’t imagine anything more devastating.

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2024 18:46

Go back to 50:50? Surely she's old enough now to go to hers dad's after school

MissingKitty · 19/07/2024 18:46

Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 19/07/2024 18:43

Give over. It's not unreasonable to be angry at all.

I'd be fuming too! I'm a single mum, disabled and both my children are disabled. Their dad is abusive and isnt allowed to contact or communicate with them. I've been raising them on my own for 7 years.

I wouldnt want him to be around my children and I'm glad their just mine, but I do get angry occasionally that I'm doing all of this by myself and its incredibly hard and he gets the life of riley

The only time I've had away from my children in 7 years is when I had to stay in hospital for 5 days.

It is shit somtimes and people can be angry about having to do everything by themselves. It's hard

Show quote history

Oh give over yourself. OP literally asked for opinions if she is being unreasonable, my opinion is just as valid as yours. And your situation isn’t the same as OPs (unless she drops a massive drip feed).

Original poster
CatsRuleOkay · 19/07/2024 18:46

I’m angry that what I consider a luxury - a week to myself without having to worry about anyone else is a fortnightly occurrence for him.

he has her every Weds night & every other weekend so the weeks he doesn’t have her for the weekend, he has Weds - Weds off parenting.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 19/07/2024 18:44

Yes I agree with you op. It's too hard for him so he gets to opt out knowing you'll do the lions share. It's a piss take and happens to women all the time.

Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 19/07/2024 18:43

MissingKitty · 19/07/2024 18:39

It’s no wonder she’s ‘hard work’ when one parent isn’t interested and the other thinks it’s unfair they have to spend so much time with their child. I totally understand enjoying the break, I’m a single parent and it’s hard, but being ‘so angry’ is unreasonable.

Give over. It's not unreasonable to be angry at all.

I'd be fuming too! I'm a single mum, disabled and both my children are disabled. Their dad is abusive and isnt allowed to contact or communicate with them. I've been raising them on my own for 7 years.

I wouldnt want him to be around my children and I'm glad their just mine, but I do get angry occasionally that I'm doing all of this by myself and its incredibly hard and he gets the life of riley

The only time I've had away from my children in 7 years is when I had to stay in hospital for 5 days.

It is shit somtimes and people can be angry about having to do everything by themselves. It's hard

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 19/07/2024 18:41

AIBU to feel so angry that he gets a full week off every other week

I don't understand what you're saying. Why does he get a full week off every other week? Do you mean from parenting?

MissingKitty · 19/07/2024 18:39

It’s no wonder she’s ‘hard work’ when one parent isn’t interested and the other thinks it’s unfair they have to spend so much time with their child. I totally understand enjoying the break, I’m a single parent and it’s hard, but being ‘so angry’ is unreasonable.