Relocated for parents and they are MIA.

Honestly this.... they have made a choice to work to maintain their house.

They are working they aren't available

You live 20 mins away. Thats 40 min minimum for a pick up

They didn't promise you childcare....

You sound really resentful anx entitled of a situation you have made up in your head.

I think they did, which is why OP is frustrated.

Well, ptobably best not to comment until you have then, as your response makes no sense!

They have got the right to be selfish arseholes.
As I admitted yesterday, no I didn't read properly.
Off with my head 😁

Did you even read the OP? They guilt tripped their daughter into moving nearer to them so they could build a closer relationship with their grandchildren and then find themselves too busy to help out in any way as they are providing childcare for the OP’s nephews/nieces. And then they add insult to injury by berating the OP for ‘leaving her poor babies’ so that she can work! I think the OP has every right to feel aggrieved. Obviously her parents have every right to live their lives in any way that suits them, but if they wanted to do that why did they pressure the OP into moving closer to them?They sound like selfish arseholes!

Sorry you are having to deal with this from your parents. Anyone on here saying it was your choice and nobody made you move is obviously lucky enough not to have controlling passive aggressive parents. They’ve probably been gaslighting you your whole life so it’s taken you a long time to realise it’s actually them that are toxic and not you that’s in the wrong. They sound a lot like my mum to be honest, and her behaviour resulted in my sister moving to another continent and then deciding to stay there after she had kids in order to protect them from my mum’s emotional blackmail, and it’s one of the reasons I decided not to have children of my own and then chose to keep my beloved stepson away from my mum as much as possible.

Sorry to be so long winded but the point is, your parents aren’t going to change so to be honest I think it’s better they don’t have regular contact with your DC as they’ll only mess with their heads with their passive aggressive bullshit. And how dare they criticise your parenting!

I can see your point of view
have been in a similar position with both my husbands side and my side of the family favouring our siblings and their children, providing 24/7 7 days a week help with their kids but very little help with ours . Me and my husband just kept pointing out the favouritism until they at least changed their ways Abit. The main people that suffer are the kids. The other grand kids are supported in absolutely everything, hobbies, day to day, support with like tricky behaviour everything, and the only ones that suffer are mine who get no help and have to make do with sloppy seconds or the last scraps left. And our marriage suffers. It’s easy to get into the comparison mode and drive yourself mad. With my side my parents have health problems and aren’t able to help as much so unfortunately not eveyrone has active fit Parents to help with their kids. But it doesn’t seem to stop them helping my siblings kids! I haven’t had an evening out with husband for 7 years whereas siblings often go away without kids or go to theatre concerts etc and leave with our parents. It can add to resentment but again you can drive yourself mad with the comparison. The main thing your post has highlighted to me is that we’re not alone, the parents and families that don’t have much support. Ir does make it harder but the season will pass :)

BTW maybe your parents actually like their jobs and wouldn’t like to stop working, even if they complain about it. My in laws had a business for years and wouldn’t stop working until well after retirement age, despite constantly complaining, saying they were far too old for it, wish they could stop working and help out with grandkids more. The truth was there was absolutely nothing
stopping them, we could only conclude they actually didn’t want to! And it was true, when they did finally retire, they were a bit lost and didn’t know what to do with themselves for a long time. If people really want to do something and physically/financially can, they usually will.

I would just let the criticisms of putting your kids in childcare go over your head, what alternative do you have realistically? If a chance comes up to move, you or DH get a better job offer or you just see somewhere you fancy, at least you don’t have to feel the slightest bit bad about moving. I’d say do what’s best for you, DH and kids and not worry too much about parents, since they don’t seem to be worrying too much about you. Definitely don’t hang around waiting to see if they change, people don’t generally.

Yr kids u can’t expect others to look after them, u could always use a childminder rather than a nursery.

Tell them you are moving somewhere cheaper, like you planned to 5 years ago.

You can explain you moved here because the help they promised you would have off-set the additional cost of living in this area but as they are too busy to offer you the same help they do your sister, the time has come.

They might, at the very drastic point, realise they are about to miss out on their grandkids.

Or you might get confirmation of the sort of people they really are, and actually move somewhere you are happy. You choose friends, not family.

See it as a lesson of how not to be when your kids grow up.

We have 2 extremes 1 set of grandparents who like to post on Facebook like they are absolutely doting, but actually just like yours.

The other set, mine, smother us and constantly fall out with us because they won't leave us alone and I'm always the bad guy saying no.

Personally the first is better. Lead your own life and don't care about pleasing or depending on others! But that's just me personally!

I voted that you're not being unreasonable but since you won't speak up about this inconsistency maybe you are. They are dismissive about your careers also. Don't let them get away with this.

I literally could have written this myself!!! 3 years ago I was emotionally manipulated to move closer to home for the same reasons, and the same has happened to me. My sister gets full priority. We are just about to complete on a house 200 miles away - I can’t wait! So my advice would be to move away - you don’t need them as you’ve struggled on without them - remove them from the picture!

I quote 'it would be very selfish of us and stupid to give up grandparent help)

But grandparents called them selfish and stupid for not being near them so they could help?

Quite good suggestions here !

I moved home for similar reasons. And for similar reasons I moved away within 2yrs. Sounds like it's not working out for you? Don't worry about making a new decision if you need to - you will still love and see your family. Plus it's much easier to move when the kids are so little.
take care xx

I’d just mildly call them out for every comment. Just matter of fact eg “if I have bills to pay and you can’t/won’t have them, what do you suggest we do then?”

If your tone is right they can’t complain, but you constantly commenting mildly, might make them think twice before doing it if they get fall back.

I think this happens by default and for the sake of convenience.
So, something in them goes 'right we'll keep this one as the good one and that one will be the bad one'. In other words they decide in advance on a very simple plan so they don't have to think about it in any depth and they can focus on things that benefit them directly. Something like that🤷🏻‍♀️

As the sister is clearly the golden child they won't be wanting to put her to any trouble - that's why they're lining up the OP to do the dirty/donkey work.

So the parents are working, help OP out when they can, albeit not as much as OP wants, enjoying life while they are young enough, have a big house which presumably OP anticipates inheriting, as they pay off the mortgage so that their DC will have a mortgage-free legacy, and don't deserve any consideration as they age. They did their child-raising, working and so on, and are entitled to some freedom. If they refused outright ANY childcare, you might have cause to feel disgruntled.

If OP moves away and her parents become unwell how should she withstand pressure from them and possibly the sibling to come visit regularly/take part in the caring. They might they to guilt trip her.

OP your parents sounds disorganised & dysfunctional, not given to thinking things through or reflecting on their behaviour.
My guess is they felt a need to have you closer, had they examined the feelings they may have seen that it was to do with wanting you to be available to support them.
But that's not how they operate, instead they said whatever they thought would best incentivise you to do what they wanted.
When it came down to it they didn't want the' burden' of helping with grandchildren any more than they already do and didn't want the hassle of trying to make things fair. So they carried on with the routine they are used to and attacked you over various things in order to crush/humiliate you so that you felt unable to speak up.
They might be acting on impulse and not really aware of deeper motivations, or they maybe calculating & deliberately cruel, I suspect more the former but I dont know them.
Let them reap what they've sowed, just step back & leave them in their own muddle.

I’m with you OP and can’t believe that there are so many on here who are defending your parents.To me they are defending the indefensible.
They help out your sister so they should help out you. Is your sister aware of the situation?. If so, unless she’s totally incapable of doing what your parents do for her she should be suggesting to them that in the interest of family harmony they should be sharing the help they are able to give between the two of you.

I think that FluffMagnet got ot when she ssud that you're being lined up for OAP care.

In your shoes I'd move and not say until the van dropped the furniture off. Kids can relocate easily, even if they're vocal in their objections.

Your parents have made rheir bed and they need to be left to lie in it. Otherwise you'll never have any peace.

Talk to DH and make your future decisions for your own benefit.