To think DH needs to pull his weight more

I don’t think it’s quite so black and white.

You need to separate the issues.

As a married couple you decided to join lives and finances. You earn more, the brunt of expenses will be borne by you. That’s just life. Either you have some kind of transactional arrangement or you just accept you’re a family and finances are joined.

I don’t understand the point of getting married and having this resentment given this is who he is and what he does. It would be like a banker marrying a nurse and getting pissed off she hasn’t got the same earning power. Salary isn’t an indication of the worthiness of a job.

You are not happy at work. You need to deal with that separate to your issues with your husband.

You cannot change him. You can’t make people change, so make a decision about what you want/need and if he’s not willing to work with you it’s time to move on.

He doesnt get to decide he wont talk about things.

You need a joint financial plan for the future and you being burnt out doesn't work.

Your income needs to go up or expenditure needs to go down.

I actually suggest you sit down and do "fair play" game (google it)
Because i reckon you are doing more than 50% of the house work / non job work stuff.

"I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'."

@Tabtabtabby then you leave the fucker and take your life back. What a prince. He should be ashamed of himself.

I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'.

What he's saying is that he knows his income isn't sustainable for his lifestyle. Great. Which does he want to change? Because you are saying you can no longer sustain your levels of employment.

OP he's going to have to make changes because the current situation is untenable.

Start looking for another job, it can sometimes be a long process, look at ways of cutting costs eg change utility bill providers, change to a cheaper TV package, go on less expensive holidays, cut down on drinking etc etc

You may have to move if you can no longer afford the mortgage. At some point he'll have to voice an opinion. Just start making changes.

He can't make you stay in a house that's too big, if you need to downsize. Point out to him that if you were to LTB then the house could be put on the market anyway.

"He basically said 'we can't live on that"

Champagne taste on a beer budget.

If he wants a certain lifestyle he should lace up his shoes and earn it himself. You weren't put on this earth to bankroll his wishes.

Do what is best for you. You'll probably spend more of your life working than retired, so don't waste your life being stressed.

He will just have to accept the compromises that'll come from you putting yourself first.

OK to take a small example, a holiday.

You discuss where to go, he says AI in the Caribbean. You normally say yes. This time you say, I'm downsizing my job soon so I propose camping in Skegness and we save the remainder for the contingency when I have a less well-paying job. He whines. You say, I can't sustain my job, we need to plan for that, what's your suggestion? He still wants the holiday. You say, what's your solution? And so on.

My DH has a stressful full time job, I work part time in a similar role (we do have kids and I do more housework/cooking). Many times when things have been tough for him I have offered to go full time so he can reduce hours or for him to change/retrain in something else and we will cut our cloth to allow it. Because I care about his wellbeing.

it’s a shame that your husband can’t see how much this is affecting you. If you did burn out/have a breakdown you may not be able to work at all. I think you both need to read the warning signs and make some changes now. Otherwise I would be considering my future with someone who doesn’t care that you are working yourself into the ground.

Also if he's insisting on a holiday then he can pay for it.

He can't force you to pay for a holiday.

If you're working all hours and earning the majority of the income, he should be doing the majority at home. You don't have children, it should be manageable for him to take over all chores to support you.

It wouldn't solve the money problem but might make you feel more supported and less resentful.

You do sound like you're burning out.

I think you need to put it to him- where does he want to make changes in terms of your outgoings? Because you can't afford this lifestyle anymore.

He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

This. And he's got very used to doing this. Boundaries are hard to establish but you need to change the script OP.

I would find a couple of jobs that you would like to do, look at the pay, and then sit down and have a frank talk with him. Say that you simply cannot work the way you are doing now, and want to take a job like the ones you have found, and you need to have a conversation about what that will mean for your finances. So you won't be asking him to take on a more stressful job, but he needs to support you in wanting to take a less stressful job, and your lifestyle will need to be impacted accordingly. So no more fancy holidays etc.

If he's not happy to consider a change in lifestyle to support your health, then he can find another job to make up the shortfall. He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

To answer your question, if he had a better paid job I could take a lower paid one.

You're going around in circles. He doesn't want to change his job so you need to change yours.

You are two adults so everything should be 50:50.

if you pay for the car and all its costs, work out the percentage of use an pay accordingly.

then it is up to you to spend your money on what you want.

You end up paying for a while load of expenses due to the ridiculous stresses of your job!
Honestly wanting a partner who is working full time to also pick up and evening and weekend job is insane.
What’s the point? You have no kids, it should be totally doable for him to not have to work a part time job on top of his full time job.
If you want to take another job you’re just going to have to cut some unnecessary expenses.

I too think you're already resenting the fact that he doesn't work as hard, or earn as well as you would like him too OP, but unfortunately that's his choice. If he won't talk about it, and won't try to improve his income, then I suggest that YOU look at your set up and decide what you're prepared to forego in order to do a less stressful and time consuming job. As someone else asked, could you downsize to decrease both your mortgage and bills? Decide whether you're having too many, or too expensive holidays, and work out what you might be able to live on. Then start looking for a job that will give you the money and time to live a more relaxed life. He can't complain, because that's exactly what he's doing, so if you drop your salary, and can no longer afford the expensive holidays that he's enjoyed, but not paid for, then tough, he'll either have to pull his finger out and earn some extra money to pay for them himself, or accept that you're entitled to work at the same level as he does, with little or no stress. As a couple you're supposed to be equals, he won't do what it takes to raise his standards to yours, so you should feel free to drop yours to match his, if that's what will make you happy.