To think DH needs to pull his weight more

I earn quite a bit more than DH and I put more effort in, to my work and to keeping on top of our household finances. I'm not resentful, he is the man I married and I've always valued being able to stand on my own two feet, BUT I cannot in a million years imagine him behaving as yours does. To refuse to even discuss any of your very reasonable solutions to your stress levels while not doing or even suggesting an alternative is a fucking outrage.

It's not about whether it's ok to not be a high earner, it's about putting all the pressure of a shared problem onto one person and then getting in their way when they try to fix it - he's doing the equivalent of expecting you to change every single nappy and refusing to support potty training.

And as for him liking to go on holidays- surely you juts stop booking them if he can't afford them?

So he's happy for you to continue working like you do. To find the lifestyle he and you both have, but won't do anything to contribute more to it? I would be stressed at that too. Maybe you need to look for jobs less stressful and tell him that you will be selling the house to downsize the financial contribution you're having to make, and less luxuries full stop as currently he seems quite happy to continue the current lifestyle you have without doing anything at all to maintain it.

You want different things out of life. If you separated, and took a less stressful lower paid job but just did what you want and lived how you want, and he did his own thing, wouldn't that be better? What do you get out of living with him?

But why should one person have to work over and above, or do MOST of the chores around their full time job because the other spouse chooses to work ridiculous hours?
The reality is he isn’t stopping OP from changing jobs. “He won’t talk about it” what’s there to talk about? If she doesnt enjoy it then a more typical 9-5 is more realistic. Whats the point in killing yourself to the point of resentment and not enjoying life at the end of the day?

You have to get a new less stressful job, it’s unsustainable to carry on as you are.

You both need to cut your lifestyle to suit your new income. He will have no choice if the money just isn’t there to pay for things.

The bigger issue is his refusal to discuss it. Maybe he thinks you’ll try to force him into a better paid job which he clearly doesn’t want. Let him know you WILL be getting an easier job you don’t need his permission to do so. Identify some jobs you can go for, what the salary will be and put a joint financial plan together. If he’s not willing to do that then I’m afraid the marriage is over.

This is why i suggested fair play

Societal norms suggest she is prob doing more than 50% at home which reinforces he should be doing more..

But if they do the game and he is doing 80/20 OR is happy to start doing 80/20 wellllllll maybe thats more equitable and OP should accept she has the more demanding job and he does more at home.

Either way i do think @IdLikeToBeAFraser has a point the job is a problem irrespective of how much your husband earns.

Change jobs. Get something less stressful. You sound run off your feet.

Maybe then he'll reconsider his salary/downsizing/ luxuries.

Happily married !!! He certainly has a good deal.

Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

You worked 90 hour weeks through the summer holidays at Uni? So 12-13 hours, 7 days a week???

@FrivolousKitchenRollUse I tend to find the low paid women are low paid because they also work inside the home more than their full time partners and of course cover childcare that goes unappreciated.

Ops situation is nothing like that.

I donthink her husband should have to get a different job but he can't expect the op to stay in a job that is ruining her health because he wants a lifestyle he can't or won't fund fairly himself.

This is very good advice. These threads are the absolute worst in mumsnet sexism. Low paid men are to be avoided. Low paid women should never be asked to earn/work more.

He does however need to temper his life expectations as a result.

I think some posters are missing the point a bit

OP's DH would be 'pulling his weight' if they lived the type of lifestyle they could afford if OP had an easy, but low paid job like him.

However he's not pulling his weight for the lifestyle they actually have (big house, nice holidays etc) - a lifestyle it seems he primarily wants but OP primarily funds.

He sounds pretty selfish. He's getting nice holidays at the expense of his wife's happiness and stress levels and isn't willing to compromise at all.

I think there are a couple of parallel issues here.

Re the job - I don't blame him for not wanting to take on more. He's got a happy comfortable life. However, I also don't balme you for not wanting to stick with the very stresful job. So as a couple, you need to be working out how you can either make your stress less (eg he picks up a lot more at home etc) or how you can afford for you to work in a less well paid role.

The second issue is that he seems to be burying his head int he sand about costs. Me and DH have seen our outgoings go up by at least 50% over the two years. In part, like you, we had a massive increase in our mortgage due to interest rates. Bills etc have gone up. We do have the added expense of children's activities which are increasing in both number and cost. We have cut back on so many things - we don't buy new clothes, we aren't eating out, we're watching the grocery spend etc etc - but the bills just keep gettin gbigger and bigger. He appears to be oblivious to this.

finally, if you have been subsidising for years, you get to decide you are not able to do that any more. I mean, for a start, if your bills have gone up, have your respective amount to pay in gone up proportionally? Doesn't sound like it if you're paying 80% of the increased mortgage vs just 20% for him. So at the very least, you should be insisting that the original proportions you agreed to must be stuck with - and he needs to fork up (and/or you both agree to cut back).

Re extras and nice things, cut back. You need a holiday - downgrade, or do al ong weekend with girlfriends and save money. If he's not contributing, fuck him.

I know where PPs are coming from but when you start doing things like taking solo holidays to spite the other person, the marriage is really over. You can't go from shared finances to solo, it's the death of it.

However, he also can't refuse to discuss issues.

When he says, "we can't live on that" and you say, "I can't continue to live like this" what is his proposed solution? This needs a big discussion where he doesn't get to just shoot things down. He needs to be part of the solution, or he needs to get out of the way and let you change your lifestyle because this doesn't sound like it's working.

He doesncare about you so why do you care about funding his wants?
He is willing to see you burn yourself out and ruin your health so long as he gets what he wants without having to fund it.

You need to look after yourself first op because this isn't a partnership is it, everything is unfairly balanced.

It's not as much earning power as effort.

He isn't matching her effort.

She's working herself into the ground to fund their lifestyle, he has a cushy life and isn't even doing most of the chores!

When she says she wants to match HIS effort by having a lower stress job- he says 'no'. He wants her to keep working the same to fund his lifestyle.

You can’t force him to take a different job and I don’t think you should suggest it - that would have to come from him. However, you can tell him you can’t keep doing your current job. If you think him doing more at home would help then you could say that. Otherwise say you are looking for a new job and therefore you will likely need to reduce spending as a couple. Your contribution will need to reduce accordingly - his should stay same or go up depending on your new salary. He can’t just say no! Maybe do an annual holiday with a friend.
also i think you should explore changes you can make in existing role before you give up job - someone senior shouldn’t be fielding calls from more junior people at all hours. If they are more junior, you should be able to set the boundaries or tell your work it isn’t sustainable. I think you need to address both the partner and current job! He should care about your well being more than ‘things’ - esp given no kids in the mix to provide for.

I think you should look at changing your job for a less stressful one, even if it means a pay cut and making lifestyle changes. Your dh sounds like someone who is happy in his job, doesn’t have a lot of work stress and isn’t ambitious. He’s absolutely allowed to feel that way. But he should not expect you to fund a lifestyle that he, quite frankly cant afford. His choices are to either help fund the current lifestyle by stepping out of his comfort zone work wise or to give up the holidays etc that you currently fund.

You sound ready to burn out OP. Definitely start looking for another job. Don't ask your husband- just do it.

Your husband can't have things all ways - either the household expenses need to come down, or he needs to earn more.

What has he actually said when you've told him your are becoming ill and need to change your job?

I agree with other posters- the lack of concern for your welfare and willingness to find solutions would be ringing alarm bells for me.

But ultimately he will have to. You have a right to not fund his lifestyle. And to take a job with same hours and pay as his.

Whoa, no kids (like me)?
I would leave.
Full stop.

"True, but I want to go on holiday because I need the break!!!"

@Tabtabtabby then go on holiday but don't take him. Don't forget that being someone's partner is not just about the finances-it's also about having the other person's best interests at heart. It's about being a team and taking care of each other. He is prepared to watch you work yourself into the ground because he's enjoying the fruits of your labour while you're struggling to keep your head above water and having therapy because of the stress. Fuck that. You might need to keep paying the mortgage and bills but there's nothing to say anyone needs a holiday. So from now on, go on holiday on your own or with friends etc. and he can stay at home.

I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'.

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
What he meant is "i want to mooch off you"

Re holidays i would be booking g adventures or solo holidays. What a cheeky fucker....

He's got a very cushty life. He's benefitting from you killing yourself at work, getting to live a life of luxury, while simultaneously getting a easy no stress job and doesn't even have to pick up more of the housework because of it. He does half, but has more free time and less stress so he's not actually doing his share. You earn more so you pay more, he works less so should do more.

You are going to grow to resent him more and more.