To think DH needs to pull his weight more

Just get a new job and the lifestyle changes that your DH is resistant to will happen automatically, without the need for a conversation/ his approval.

If he says he doesn’t like it or asks you how you’re going to fix it, just tell him he will have to find a way to fund the things that he wants because this is all you are able to contribute moving forward.

YABU. I earn less than my DH. Admittedly when a better paid job came up at work I took it and I’m now trying to get on a course to hopefully better myself but he’s had the opportunity to earn more over the years. He pays more into the bills. We both pay for our own car. Holidays I try to pay 50:50 but he doesn’t think I should. He believes we should have the same money as he is nice like that

I agree with @Ginmonkeyagain you are being taken advantage of by employer.

My take is that you cannot dictate what DH should do. However, you do have control of what you do.

I would jack in the job before it killed me, and take a lower paying job. You seem very resistant to downsizing but honestly your quality of life seems shit.

If DH protests, point out you are burnt out, and the alternative is that he takes his turn at a higher paid job.

You need a new job and to learn some boundaries. NO ONE needs to be that available for their employer.

Your husband needs to either earn more or cut his expectations to fit a reduced income.

You need to use the therapy time to explore how your teenage years set you on this unhealthy course. No wonder you are burnt out and have zero boundaries re: work if you were working full time whilst studying for A Levels and a degree.

What your parents did was not ok.

@RoomOfRequirement yes absolutely

He doesn't get a say - that's my point. OP needs to make her change she needs for herself, not tell him to get a new job. When the household income decreases he won't have a choice and can decide himself whether he gets a new job or cuts back.

@RoomOfRequirement you’ve missed the part where he says she has to stay in the job so that he can carry on enjoying a certain standard of living, and that he isn’t willing to step up the effort to match her workload instead so they can keep the current lifestyle.

Working full time and doing half of the housework isn't lazy. Nor is it his fault you chose to go into such a ridiculous job. And I absolutely wouldn't change my job or retrain from a role I enjoyed because my DH told me to? That's incredibly controlling and if the attitude towards him you're showing now is as obvious to him, I wouldn't be with you very long.

However, if YOU are unhappy with YOUR decisions, YOU need to change. Not expect him to. And when that change lowers the family income he will have no choice but not to share bills proportionate to your new income and let go of some luxuries. Most adults have had to do that these past few years anyway and you shouldn't have to kill yourself to fund his holidays. Tell him what you're planning and then he can make his own choice to look for a better paying job or cut back.

2 adults with no children why on earth would you have all these outgoings and stresses.

Sell up, buy something smaller and cheaper and you take a calmer job. Or split up, then the house will have to be sold anyway.

I think you need to speak to your employer and renegotiate your salary and working hours. They won’t find anyone else willing to take it on.
you have got stuck in a martyr job of I’m the only person that can do it but if you died then they would advise the job before you were even cold.

tell husband that things are changing. Go through all bills subscriptions etc and cancel stuff. See where your money is actually going. You may then find you can take a lower paid job.

he doesn’t have to change his job but you can as you have control over that. Downsize the house if need be. Stop driving him places you don’t need to go to. We only have one car and can both drive but one of us will use public transport as we prioritise where are kid needs to be and so whoever is out will train or bus back and the other one drive our kid etc.

you can only change what you have control over.
so speak to boss and tell them you need a pay rise or assistant or whatever you need.
apply for jobs so they see you are serious

sort out bills and cancel stuff.

review household finances in light of mortgage etc

cut back on holidays if the price is stressing you out

He sounds like he has his work/home life balance spot on. He has put his own boundaries in place (doesn't want to work evening weekends, doesn't want to be on call). However, the consequences for him must be that he cuts back on his spending for luxuries.

You on the other hand have yours completely out of whack. If you are stressed to the point of needing a therapist, surely that's telling you that you need to re-evaluate.

You are thinking about things from your point of view but look at life from his perspective, he has a partner who works ridiculous hours, if you are on call, your job probably encroaches into your time together and you are highly stressed. Why should he change his job and take on more to be as miserable as you?

It's not about it being feasible or not. Change your job, make savings and cut backs. If the money isn't there he won't have an option but to discuss the issues.

@Tabtabtabby you sound like a very able and competent person. Why are you failing to hold boundaries with work and your H?
You are being taken advantage of in both areas and you need to address why you are allowing it to happen. Do you really need to be on call 24/7? Will someone die or something catastrophic happen if you don't take calls after 7pm? When you are on holiday who manages the businesses then?

I think you need to reduce your working hours. What you are doing now is not sustainable in the long run.

I also think you need to cut your cloth accordingly. Your H can't demand a standard of living that he isn't paying for and can't afford. Things need to change. You can't force him to get a better job but similarly he can't force you to continue to work like a dog in order to sustain his lifestyle. You need to find a compromise or go your separate ways.

Show him this post. Just do that.
If he’s lovely and caring (which I assume he is, as you say you’re happily married), this will lay it out for him and lift the veil from his eyes.

Good luck. It’s great that you’ve recognised this issue before it becomes a destructive force in your otherwise happy marriage. xx

But this lifestyle he wants isn’t being funded by him.
It’s being funded at the expense of your physical and mental health.
So, no, it’s not reasonable to expect him to change his job. But it is reasonable for you to change yours

OP I was you, right down to the crazy job and non driving spouse. Finally after years of misery i changed the job first. It was too much to do everything together. So I changed the job and life is easier. I know really need to work on my marriage bur at least I am coming from a calmer place. Take care and good luck

If this was reversed no way would you be told to work more

No he shouldn't work more you both made your job choices

Haven't read all the posts. You can’t make him change jobs. But you can change your job, to a less well paid, less stressful one. And you will both have to make the lifestyle adjustments that go with that. Or he will have to step up. I think he's taking advantage of you, happy to enjoy your money.

If he was paying his way (50%), it would be different.

You both seem happy enough.
He seems to like his job.

Why not start by having him down size holidays to fit within budget.
That might spur him to earn a little more so he can splurge on the holiday.

Have a serious reworking of the budget, with thought to fairness in splitting bills similar to the percentage of income earnt and cutting down on some extravagances.

Think about the five years plan.

You need to:

1. carve out some time to recharge
2. dramatically cut the household budget. Sit him down, say I’ve tried to have this discussion lots of times and we are out of time. I am burning out and need to consider an easier lower paid role. Starting today we are going to live off that lower paid role so we are ready to cope. I’ve halved my contribution to the joint account, holidays are out, I’m going to take some long walks every week to help me rebalance. If we default on the mortgage then we have to sell and move. You cannot ignore our finances anymore and just assume I will carry us both. I’m done, and you can be part of the team or not.

What are you doing about your own job? This seems to be the issue.
how can you have been put on a diploma course with all that entails, without agreeing to it? Say no.
Why are you answering calls outside of work time? Dont do it.
Focus on better balance, either in your current role if you can achieve that, or look elsewhere.

At the same time you should sit down with your husband and look at your income and outgoings together and approach the topic jointly as a couple: "how are WE going to manage this" "how are we going to go ahead and what do we want to prioritise?" "Is there anything you want to do differently?". The way you've worded your message sounds like you're simply hounding him.

Sounds like you've created a situation that you're now really resentful of and you're not being very clear with your DH as to what's really going on.

I hope you can have a proper rational discussion and look at the facts and come up with some workable solution. Downsizing sounds like an option I'd be looking at urgently.

YANBU

Basically your wage is required for your current lifestyle but you are burning out

Husband could potentially get a better paid role but doesn't want to. Nor does he want to compromise on his lifestyle.

Something has to give

I would look around for another job you want to do, even if it is a pay cut and discuss with your husband about your new financial situation. If he says you cannot live on that then what does he plan to do to change it.

The current situation is not fair on you

The car that you use to drive him around, right? He gets double benefit from the car. He uses it for his transport, and he gets a free driver to boot and never has to think had about the route, timing, parking, fuel, maintenance. Nor does he ever have to be designated driver. He should definitely be contributing even if he doesn’t drive it. Or does he never expect you to ferry him around?

Who pays for the holidays? Does he pay 1/3? Maybe if you’re feeling under financial pressure for to paying 80% of the increase to your mortgage cost, he needs to pay 50/50 for holidays. If he can’t afford that, then it’s either cheaper or less holidays.

I think he is getting a lot more benefit from this relationship than you are. He is not willing to make any sacrifices to improve your life, but expects you to make all the sacrifices for him to have a good life. Is this truly a partnership?

Best of luck, I think you are giving your all to this relationship.

I think the most unhealthy relationship is the one that you have with your employer. Closely followed by your parents!

Finding a new job would be a good idea because the change of scene would enable you to set new boundaries in the workplace.

In terms of your marital relationship, people don’t often change and you probably knew who he was a long time ago. He works, but apart from that is pretty laid-back. Did those relaxed, laid back elements of his personality appeal at one point? Or, putting it another way, if you wanted a high-energy, dynamic, career-minded man then surely you would have married one? But if you had, then you might have found yourself with different problems…

The only question is whether you can change anything about your own life to make yourself feel happier. This might be changing jobs, taking time off or separating from your husband, but only you can do it.

Change job.. Stop discussing it with him. Your life will have to alter and he can like it or leave.