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Original poster

Husband is demanding money

268 replies

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 12:11

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
ThistleWitch · 19/07/2024 13:49

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2024 12:20

I think the problem is you can’t claim your savings are “yours” if you’re expecting to share “his”. You’re married, so it is all ultimately joint/asset, your 3k isn’t truly yours just like his savings aren’t truly his, if you split it all gets put in a pot to split. What was the agreement on paying for cars? If you’ve both agreed that he pays all household and you pay for your own car out of your money then yes you’re unreasonable, but you should have joint access to all money in an ideal world

Well she doesnt have access to his savings though?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 19/07/2024 13:49

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 13:39

I explained childcare costs more than I earn so while I will earn less I will be better off. Do you think DH will be willing to pay for childcare when we split?

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Does he pay his half of childcare now??

ItsAlrightDarling · 19/07/2024 13:46

Cinocino · 19/07/2024 13:42

Childcare costs weren’t listed in all the things you totalled up as ‘your’ bills.

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Probably because she’s about to work school hours, term time only so there won’t be any childcare bills. She will be doing it all.

RedToothBrush · 19/07/2024 13:45

This is not a marriage.

This is financial abuse.

RJnomore1 · 19/07/2024 13:45

Short term pragmatism here while you sort the rest - do you need the car more than the cash right now or vice Versa? If you don’t give him the money for the car and you do need it, will he leave it in the garage?

Cinocino · 19/07/2024 13:42

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 13:39

I explained childcare costs more than I earn so while I will earn less I will be better off. Do you think DH will be willing to pay for childcare when we split?

Show quote history

Childcare costs weren’t listed in all the things you totalled up as ‘your’ bills.

ruethewhirl · 19/07/2024 13:40

Lampslights · 19/07/2024 12:49

And what if he then sends her a bill for her half of rhe mortgage and all bills?

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That's when she gets to laugh in his face. Like most of the people on this thread would probably like to do to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2024 13:40

Lampslights · 19/07/2024 12:19

Thing is op even with marriage you’re not just entitled to his earnings, and as awful as he is, you’re not entitled to make him pay for your car, the roof over your head, the food in your belly etc.

Oh FFS. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.

Op, I recommend you see a solicitor as soon as humanly possibly to get advice. You need to figure out your husband's financials before he has a chance to really hide money from you, if he hasn't already.

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 13:39

Cinocino · 19/07/2024 13:31

I don’t understand why you are in the process of reducing your hours and therefore earnings if your plan is to split from your husband.

I explained childcare costs more than I earn so while I will earn less I will be better off. Do you think DH will be willing to pay for childcare when we split?

OP posts:
WarrenSpeck · 19/07/2024 13:32

It's really hard to understand, supporting each other in a relationship should be a priority.

Cinocino · 19/07/2024 13:31

I don’t understand why you are in the process of reducing your hours and therefore earnings if your plan is to split from your husband.

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 13:30

Cherry8809 · 19/07/2024 13:21

It’s financial abuse that he pays all the household bills, and has an expectation that she covers the cost of her car (that he paid the deposit on) repairs now that she’s working?

He’s not allowed to keep his savings as his own, but you’ll encourage her to hide her savings and be dishonest about them while still expecting him to pick up the tab….?

She has full transparency of his finances, but clearly it doesn’t work the other way….

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He is well aware I earn £12 ph and work 27.5h weeks, he often mocks me for earning so little

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 19/07/2024 13:30

Cherry8809 · 19/07/2024 13:21

It’s financial abuse that he pays all the household bills, and has an expectation that she covers the cost of her car (that he paid the deposit on) repairs now that she’s working?

He’s not allowed to keep his savings as his own, but you’ll encourage her to hide her savings and be dishonest about them while still expecting him to pick up the tab….?

She has full transparency of his finances, but clearly it doesn’t work the other way….

Show quote history

She has to ask him for every penny he needs to contribute to food etc. she wasn't allowed to pick the cat, it's in his name. She can't work full time to look after the kids because he won't help so can't build savings and he gatekeeps all money. If he didn't want to contribute to a home and a family he shouldn't have bothered to have one. If this was a gender flip I'd feel the same. There is no respect here or support

cupcaske123 · 19/07/2024 13:29

Cherry8809 · 19/07/2024 13:21

It’s financial abuse that he pays all the household bills, and has an expectation that she covers the cost of her car (that he paid the deposit on) repairs now that she’s working?

He’s not allowed to keep his savings as his own, but you’ll encourage her to hide her savings and be dishonest about them while still expecting him to pick up the tab….?

She has full transparency of his finances, but clearly it doesn’t work the other way….

Show quote history

The OPs husband doesn't discuss large financial purchases and treats his money as his own. The OP can only have a part time job that doesn't cover term time as she takes full responsibility for the house and children. When you marry, money is legally both spouses.

She says that he refused to give her money towards a funeral and is not transparent on how much he earns.

The OP was forced to ask for every penny towards shopping - why? He screamed at her when she asked for help towards her car. He earns ten times as much as her, why can't he pay towards the car?

She is planning on leaving him and her savings are to go towards that, which is why I advised her to keep it secret.

willWillSmithsmith · 19/07/2024 13:28

What a horrible man. My ex earned a lot more than me and he never discussed or shared money info (I never knew what he earned or what his bonuses were etc). I hated it. I didn’t want his money for the sake of it but it felt so wrong to be left out of decisions. Glad, very very glad, he’s ex.

SanctusInDistress · 19/07/2024 13:25

Lampslights · 19/07/2024 12:19

Thing is op even with marriage you’re not just entitled to his earnings, and as awful as he is, you’re not entitled to make him pay for your car, the roof over your head, the food in your belly etc.

I’m sure however he thinks he is entitled to stick his d into her.
What’s the point of marriage if not mutual support and help?

greenpolarbear · 19/07/2024 13:22

Is your DH autistic as well (or could he be)?

Cherry8809 · 19/07/2024 13:21

cupcaske123 · 19/07/2024 12:29

This is obviously financial abuse. Have you been in contact with a domestic abuse organisation?

Keep your savings hidden and gather as much financial information as you can get: wages, savings, pension, investment, mortgage etc Get legal advice from a family lawyer. You may even need a forensic accountant as he's probably hiding money away.

It’s financial abuse that he pays all the household bills, and has an expectation that she covers the cost of her car (that he paid the deposit on) repairs now that she’s working?

He’s not allowed to keep his savings as his own, but you’ll encourage her to hide her savings and be dishonest about them while still expecting him to pick up the tab….?

She has full transparency of his finances, but clearly it doesn’t work the other way….

arethereanyleftatall · 19/07/2024 13:18

The sooner you can divorce him the better for you op. The ages of your children will be taken in to account, and the more there needs are, the more you will be awarded.

He is a financially abusive cunt of a man, and I'm glad courts exist in England to make things fair for care givers.

StormingNorman · 19/07/2024 13:16

OP he sounds awful. The funeral thing is the biggest red flag of all.

For me that tips this situation from financial independence to financial abuse. He is using the money to control you which explains the drip feed into your joint account and the need to have you ask for money.

He’ll turn nasty when you leave so it might be worth speaking to Women’s Aid to help you plan and make sure you are fully informed about your rights when you are ready to leave.

HopSkipJump24 · 19/07/2024 13:14

Get as much as you can out of the divorce. Don't take any Spousal maintenance. Clean break. On £200k there will be a limit I believe on maintenance so you'd have to get maintenance agreed through a court, not CMS.

Normallynumb · 19/07/2024 13:13

There is no I in team His attitude is disgusting He doesn't value you or the work you do
He's in for a rude awakening when he realises you will be entitled to at least half of everything on divorce
You will find it easier on your own as your expectations of him will change.

Gcsunnyside23 · 19/07/2024 13:12

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2024 12:45

I mean… he’s paying for all household bills and food shopping, so he already is “paying” for those things. We also don’t know if OP chose to work less?

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Not really no. He's able to progress and succeed in his job because the op covers everything else and he is not acting like they are in a partnership but can't see that. She contributes lot and sacrifices earning potential to care for their children , one who has additional needs. He is financially controlling and financially abusive

Goslingsforlife · 19/07/2024 13:12

This is financial abuse, OP. He will not change. You would be much better of divorced and receiving maintainance from him.

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 13:12

lastgreat · 19/07/2024 12:16

He sounds awful.

Do you have a timeline for leaving? You may need to forget the term time only job and go for something with more hours/money to make life work financially alone. He certainly won't pay for things once you are separated.

I was hoping in February once I pass probation period in new job,
FT is out of the question, DH is unreliable when it comes to childcare his job always comes first,
my family is 4h away

OP posts:
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