Husband is demanding money

It’s not even about the money really, it’s about the fact hi does not respect you and belittles you.Your children are watching and learning.

DFriend dad was similar. When his parents divorced the dad managed to screw his mum financially ( house and business where only in his name for ‘tax reasons’ etc ) and for a very long time DFriend believed the dad’s narrative that he’d work hard, the mum contributed nothing, the mum was money grabbing and all that. The mum instigated the divorce despite having little
income and 3 young kids, knowing that the dad’s clever lawyers were going to hide his income and assets.

its taken my friend 30 odd years to admit that his dad was/is financially and emotionally abusive, that he screwed the mum and kids over
and left the mum struggling financially even though she got to keep ‘his’ house til the kids were 18, that actually he’s not some self made success story but rather a bitter, nasty man who put money before everyone.

Op youre already planning on leaving him so I doubt you need anyone's advice here. Yes he sounds awful but to plot to leave him like this is only something you know is right or wrong. A man who won't even pay for his wife's car is a disgrace... but again I'm sure you know this or you wouldn't he planning to leave. Good luck regardless and I hope it all works out.

I think the issue here is not whether the financial set up is correct and how other people order their affairs.

OP has described a situation which rings alarm bells for financial abuse. She has saved up an escape fund and the question is should she use some of that or try to find a way to get her husband to pay. He obviously doesn't know about the escape fund because it is in place because OP perceives him as abusive and a risk to her safety.

I would try to get him to pay if at all possible. If you can't get him to pay then you will need to use some of your money but try to find a way to explain this without telling him about the escape fund so you are still protecting yourself.

Yep.

I’m really sorry OP for the situation you’re in you need to get out as soon as you can .

He sounds awful. You’d be better off in your own. Divorce him, you’ll need a forensic accountant as he will try to lie etc. but ultimately the only thing a court will care about is that your children have similar roofs over their heads if possible. And a similar lifestyle in each home.

By the same token he should wish to look after his wife properly just as she a. Looks after him and the children and b. Saves him a shit ton of money on domestic services and childcare.

Nannies start at 40k per year and he’d still have to cover cleaning and cooking.

Work out how much savings he should have op. Over the years. He's hiding some somewhere. Find that out before you mention anything to him. Either that or a pension. Which goes towards the assets. And don't just accept cetv value either, there's lots of ways of doing it.

He has full transparency of her fiances. She earns £12,500k

He KNOWS what she can afford and can't afford.

The relationship has a hierachy where the OP is not her husbands equal. He has all the power. She can't afford to do x, y or z unless he authorises it. Including leaving him.

In this situation, an escape fund is a wise idea. Because its not actually about money, its about the imbalance of power in the relationship and because he is using money to control and demand the OP, especially in situations he knows she can't.

The husband isn't placing a value on the labour the OP provides to the household for things like childcare. Again this is relevant. The OP is providing the childcare which comes out of the household income - that should be both him and her. He SHOULD be paying bills, because he's providing for his children. Or is he dividing everything and only charging the OP for her usage.

If the OP was living separately she would be financially more independent and potentially better off as an individual albiet with a smaller house, if she had the majority of the custody.

Thats why its abusive.

Its about the control of money being used to affect the power dynamics in the relationship and to press home the point that the OP isn't in a relationship that respects the other party. Its a relationship where one party seeks to asset dominance over the other rather than work together.

Thats not a marriage that is going to last. Its abusive.

His savings aren't very big compared to his earnings even if you take into account that he earns more (but is higher rate tax). Unless you have a big mortgage then I would guess he has a decent whack in his pension if you are looking to leave.

To be fair though if you are paying a lease on the care aren't the car expenses included? If not wad the agreement that you would cover outgoings for the car if he covers everything he is. If so then YABU if not then YANBU.

I don't understand men like him. Does he actually even like you? It sounds like he actually wanted a servant/child bearer rather than a partner/wife. Anyway, you and the kids will be much better off without him. Leave, and don't look back.

He should have a lot more savings than 35k if he's on that sort of money or he's having a very good time! Or you have a massive mortgage.

Regardless, I'd be off. Better to be poor than unhappy.

Try to access his tax return if possible. CSA payments should be about £1400+ on his income plus you would get child benefit, tax credits and help with childcare. I would honestly leave ASAP.

Op, when a woman is with one of these kind of men, she is ALWAYS better off alone than with him, both financially and otherwise. Always .He will never have your back. You will never be safe financially. You will never be "protected" finacially. You will ALWAYS be vulnerable, unless you take measures to financially protect yourself.

I think he is financially abusive and you are very very sensible to leave him. What a wanker. You deserve better Best of luck op xxxx

AH, he's one of THOSE men.

He chose your car, it's in his name. Tell him it's all his and get your own. If you need a car

I hope you get shot of him soon. He sounds like a reet knob and there are some very strange people on this thread who think financial abuse is ok

I wouldn’t wait until you pass probation op. Clean break. Take at least 50%. You should as you say be entitled to a lot more. He sounds awful getting you to pay for his flashy car and leaving you with an old banger. Can you stop paying that and divert your funds to your car?

He's financially abusive and also dim as he can't be nice enough to you to stop you leaving him.

With his job he isn't going to do much childcare so he will have a harsh shock when he realises that legally he now has to share his assets.

OP he mocks you for having a low paid job so you can take care of his children?

What a prize cunt. I hope you can leave sooner rather than later. And ignore the trolls on this thread.

OP just a note on working and childcare costs after you split - you will get 80% of childcare costs covered as you will get universal credit. So it actually will be possible to work more hours and work in school holidays if that's better for you. Good luck

Sure, but her current work set up since March isn’t term time only but childcare wasn’t mentioned in the bills.