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Original poster

Husband is demanding money

268 replies

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 12:11

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
LondonFox · 19/07/2024 15:22

Two letters about him:
EW

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 15:20

He can be verbally abusive but tends to storm out if we have a disagreement. I started therapy last autumn and this made me realise what situation I'm in.
He is clearly triggered when I set my boundaries- this is new to him. He often gives me silent treatment especially if I say no to him or refuse to have sex.

I called DV helpline a month ago when DH grabbed my son aggressively,
I didn't see what happened, I just heard slapping sound and my dc said DH hit him so that what I believed and kicked him out immediately. DH came back few hours later banging on the door so lady on DV helpline told me to hung up and call police. I asked DH to come back next day and we agreed.
I called police and officers came round and after woke up DC, they spoke to DC alone and they decided this wasn't enough to do anything. Officer made me feel stupid.
DH spent night away and next day he came home acted like he was the victim and angry with me for calling police, when I told him to he apologised to dc , made promises of change and going to therapy, weeks now passed and of course
not much has changed- well he stopped drinking he was very heavy wine drinker but had health problems and has not drank for c4 weeks now.
DH gets up once I've gone out to take kids to school & work
If he isn't travelling he works, eats, puts his one plate away and goes to living room to sit on his own, on his mobile, with door closed. at 8 he does dc bath time, (this is a joke too, he sticks him in a bath, then sits on the stairs with back turned to bathroom, on his phone, for 5 minutes and takes him out) and calls me to tuck kids in. These days once kids are asleep I stay in my bedroom and DH sleeps in guest bedroom.

I don't have anywhere to go nearby.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 19/07/2024 15:18

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2024 15:11

And then when you go for divorce and they see you’ve also been essentially “hiding” money, just as he apparently has, prepare to have every penny of that taken account in the split as well. Honestly some of the advice on here baffles me and is clearly from people who don’t have day in day out exposure to people going through exactly this, which I do. If you both “squirrel away” money all that happens is you’re both in the wrong and it’s all taken into account for settlement figure. You cannot do the “oh he’s awful for hiding money” while also saying “oh yes hide as much money as you can”.

Show quote history

The advice to bank money is to be able to finance leaving the relationship.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2024 15:11

Notthatcatagain · 19/07/2024 15:08

You need to start a squirrel campaign. So gradually add as much as you can to your savings, get some cash back when you pay for food shopping, buy gift vouchers in the supermarket, get the next couple of sizes up clothes for the kids. If you are happy to wear supermarket undies then chuck some of those in the trolley. Don't go mad all at once just a modest amount every shop. It's unlikely he checks receipts or actually knows what stuff costs.

And then when you go for divorce and they see you’ve also been essentially “hiding” money, just as he apparently has, prepare to have every penny of that taken account in the split as well. Honestly some of the advice on here baffles me and is clearly from people who don’t have day in day out exposure to people going through exactly this, which I do. If you both “squirrel away” money all that happens is you’re both in the wrong and it’s all taken into account for settlement figure. You cannot do the “oh he’s awful for hiding money” while also saying “oh yes hide as much money as you can”.

Notthatcatagain · 19/07/2024 15:08

You need to start a squirrel campaign. So gradually add as much as you can to your savings, get some cash back when you pay for food shopping, buy gift vouchers in the supermarket, get the next couple of sizes up clothes for the kids. If you are happy to wear supermarket undies then chuck some of those in the trolley. Don't go mad all at once just a modest amount every shop. It's unlikely he checks receipts or actually knows what stuff costs.

GingerPirate · 19/07/2024 15:07

Your husband?
How fucking shocking and awful.
Sorry.

RedToothBrush · 19/07/2024 15:00

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 14:28

Thank you I think he will a pay for the MOT and repair today and harass me for money, DH is texting now asking how much is in my savings, he said I'm stashing money away and not willing to help out.

Show quote history

You use the word harass here.

Why?

What do you mean? How will he harass you?

I'm trying to establish what is going on here and the extent to which he is abusing you, hence me asking the question.

Everydayimhuffling · 19/07/2024 15:00

I don't think you've got until February. Be careful and get out as fast as you can. If he's aware you are on your way out (as he seems to be) then the abuse is likely to escalate.

gamerchick · 19/07/2024 14:56

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 14:28

Thank you I think he will a pay for the MOT and repair today and harass me for money, DH is texting now asking how much is in my savings, he said I'm stashing money away and not willing to help out.

Show quote history

Ask him how much is in his savings.

He really wants to keep you skint. Say nothing.

Normallynumb · 19/07/2024 14:52

After seeing your update, please look after yourself He's really angry and shows absolute contempt for you
His behaviour may escalate if he suspects you plan to leave

Teddybearpicniccelebration · 19/07/2024 14:47

Do you have somewhere save to go if he gets out of hand. You shouldn't live like this he is abusing you.

IVbumble · 19/07/2024 14:46

he said I'm stashing money away and not willing to help out.

He means he is stashing money away & unwilling to help out.

DrBlackbird · 19/07/2024 14:45

Lampslights · 19/07/2024 12:19

Thing is op even with marriage you’re not just entitled to his earnings, and as awful as he is, you’re not entitled to make him pay for your car, the roof over your head, the food in your belly etc.

Jesus. How does entitlement come into it? What happened to marriage is a partnership? She’s looked after 3 kids and the house. Enabling him to have a family and still earn shitloads of money. It wouldn’t be a long shot to guess that he’s never had to stay home looking after a sick child or take them to a doctors appointment or see the school, organise playdates, figure out costumes for book day, buy birthday presents etc etc etc

If it’s about entitlement, then the OP is entitled to a housekeeper’s salary circa £35k pa and she’d be able to pay for her cars repairs then.

Women are so screwed over by this expectation that they’re responsible for the majority of the unpaid work inside the home and still be expected to do full time paid work outside the home. Then about aged 50’ish the ‘D’H leaves them for someone else because the DH deserve to be happy and in doing so they utterly financially screw over the DW. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this.

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 14:44

TemuSpecialBuy · 19/07/2024 14:34

Continue to stash it.

If you can do in person ships and get cashback on the shop

I hope you leave this sad excuse for a husband sooner rather than later. He is abusive and you deserve better

Id rather just save portion of my earnings, what Dh puts on for groceries covers just that & wouldn't be enough to ''stash'' anything with cash back.

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 19/07/2024 14:37

Ok so spend money on a forensic accountant and divorce this piece of shit. New, happier life for you and your dc. You will be SO much happier... do it. Flowers

arethereanyleftatall · 19/07/2024 14:36

Absolutely what @RedToothBrush is saying. He knows where every penny you earn is going. Strange double standards here. It isn't about that he won't pay for your car, it's about the fact that he cannot control whether you divorce him or not. You are right that he is a narcissist. Buckle up op, but you're doing the right thing.

AquaFurball · 19/07/2024 14:35

Lampslights · 19/07/2024 12:19

Thing is op even with marriage you’re not just entitled to his earnings, and as awful as he is, you’re not entitled to make him pay for your car, the roof over your head, the food in your belly etc.

Good job solicitors disagree with you.

TemuSpecialBuy · 19/07/2024 14:34

Continue to stash it.

If you can do in person ships and get cashback on the shop

I hope you leave this sad excuse for a husband sooner rather than later. He is abusive and you deserve better

perfectlyimperfectt · 19/07/2024 14:33

StormingNorman · 19/07/2024 12:35

He’s not demanding money from you, he quite reasonably asked you to pay for repairs to your car.

You are married so marital assets and all that. But you don’t pool incomes and don’t even have a proper joint account. He takes care of bills, the mortgage, helps buy your car and you are each financially independent from that point on.

He offered to pay £200 of the repair bill and asked you for the other £500. You probably did sound a bit entitled just saying no as it is outside the norm in your relationship for him to pay your personal expenses.

This 👏🏻👏🏻 I don’t think he is being unrealistic.

RedToothBrush · 19/07/2024 14:30

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 14:28

Thank you I think he will a pay for the MOT and repair today and harass me for money, DH is texting now asking how much is in my savings, he said I'm stashing money away and not willing to help out.

Show quote history

Cos he knows its a potentially an exit fund. He doesn't want to allow that.

Its not about the money. He could pay tomorrow if he wanted to. Its about the power and control.

RedToothBrush · 19/07/2024 14:29

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 13:30

He is well aware I earn £12 ph and work 27.5h weeks, he often mocks me for earning so little

Show quote history

Thats emotional abuse.

Does he put you down a lot OP?

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 14:28

humberlumber · 19/07/2024 14:21

I think the issue here is not whether the financial set up is correct and how other people order their affairs.

OP has described a situation which rings alarm bells for financial abuse. She has saved up an escape fund and the question is should she use some of that or try to find a way to get her husband to pay. He obviously doesn't know about the escape fund because it is in place because OP perceives him as abusive and a risk to her safety.

I would try to get him to pay if at all possible. If you can't get him to pay then you will need to use some of your money but try to find a way to explain this without telling him about the escape fund so you are still protecting yourself.

Thank you I think he will a pay for the MOT and repair today and harass me for money, DH is texting now asking how much is in my savings, he said I'm stashing money away and not willing to help out.

OP posts:
Whatachliche · 19/07/2024 14:28

this is financial abuse.

you had a consultation with a lawyer, and to me it looks you would he financially better off if you split up now?

Also, please be aware if he is lying and deflecting and deceiving on the money you know about - there will be more hidden saving pots. ISAs, bonds etc.

I really hope you will take him to the cleaners and get what you deserve for all your unpaid labour and childcare

Willyoushutthefrontdoor · 19/07/2024 14:27

In my first marriage I worked pt and brought up 3 kids while my then husband worked away from home. He sent me 1k every month. I just don't understand your husbands mentality at all except for liking to be in control. This marriage we earn about the same so all is split between us but by God if I had nothing he would be there with his wallet or bank card whether I asked or not.

RedToothBrush · 19/07/2024 14:26

What is financial abuse?
Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse and is a way of having power over you. It involves someone else controlling your spending or access to cash, assets and finances. This can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped.

Sometimes (but not always) financial abuse will be recognised by the police as coercive or controlling behaviour, which is also a criminal offence.
You do not have to be living with the person for the coercive or controlling behaviour offence to apply. Financial abuse can continue, or even start, after separation.

Financial abuse can take different forms and can happen to anyone of any age. Abusers can be partners, ex-partners, family members or others, such as carers.

Financial abuse is often part of wider economic abuse.

Economic abuse can include:
stopping you from going to work, college or university,
causing you to lose out on benefits by not letting you go to appointments at the Jobcentre or apply for jobs, and
controlling your access to essential things, such as food, clothing or transport.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

There is further reading and access to support on the thread above.

The OPs first post includes a number of points which match the criteria above.

One of the key things it says as part of this is to make an exit plan. A small supply of money to facilitate leaving would be appropriate as part of this in a situation relating to financial abuse.

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