Husband is demanding money

as 1:1 childcare for summer holidays is costing more than I earn.

this logic only holds up when you are pooling your resources and it’s about family income and expenditure. Do you earn less than half the cost which you are responsible for?

I used to work FT but my DH travels a lot for work, mostly abroad,

if he was a single parent he would have to pay childcare costs when he is travelling, or rethink his work conditions. In a shared financial it might make sense for you to reduce your current and potential earnings, and pension in order to facilitate his career, and earnings. But if you’re not benefitting from the arrangement you have to weigh up your decisions differently.

Would you be better off (now and in your old age) to have a 50:50 residency, paying 3/4 days childcare so you can work ft? Given his better financial position you could argue for weekends so it would be 1/2 days.

I’m not suggesting ltb should be your first step. I think that both of you need to think about what equity means in relationship.

And what if he then sends her a bill for her half of rhe mortgage and all bills?*

She won't pay it, will she?

So what does he do then? Evict her? Divorce her?

He's a prize arse, stop sticking up for him! It's sickening!

He's in the wrong but this is also partly down to you about not setting the boundaries and agreements properly from the off - he clearly thinks one thing, you clearly think another - thats the root of the friction - you should have had a financial agreement / understading in place from earlier in the relationship surely?

Have you ever talked about money?

My husband pays for everything.

I see the MRAs are out in full force here.

Does he pay childcare costs in the proportion of his salary?

@Despair1 DH seems to be saving a lot more money than OP

How does he plan on finding wrap around childcare for HIS children then while you go and find a full time job? Does he realise that when you get said job hecwill then be responsible for 50% of all childcare and housework.

Hi OP, I think your husband is reasonable to ask. He pays for all household bills and food which makes you extremely 'fortunate'. I appreciate that you earn considerably less. However, you are putting away money into non essential funds. I don't know the way forward except some frank discussion

Let's see what her divorce solicitor says

Her looking after the children (and him) has facilitated his career progression at the expense of hers.

He certainly won't get to keep it all to himself

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays get yourself to a Shit Hot Lawyer

He is a cunt, Im very , very glad that you are making plans to leave op. Do you have support in RL ?

I'm glad people have told you about coercive control and financial abuse. If you are married, then most of your assets are joint.

I hope you will also total up all the services you provide, that he would have to outsource:
Child care
Cooking
Cleaning
House and life admin

Cost these up at what it would be for someone to work 35 hours per week in the house, plus a nightly take-away, plus a part-time secretary, plus childcare fees.

I'd wager it'll come to a tidy amount.

OP.

The advice is NOT to mention financial abuse or coercive control if you are in a situation like this for various reasons.

Does he ever monitor your social media?

I would be mindful of this if he is starting to believe you may be considering leaving.

OP I would formally separate asap. Tell him you want a divorce and it's not working. See a solicitor. You are already sleeping separately. You can apply for Universal Credit even if you are still living with him as long as you can prove you aren't still acting like a couple i.e. stop cooking for him, close down any joint accounts, separate shopping etc. Essentially you need to financially unlink and live like flatmates. This may help you in the short-term. If he becomes abusive call the police and get HIM to leave. Stay in the marital home if you can.

Have you actually looked up coercive control?

Does he let you go anywhere without him?

You are now putting out red flag bunting on this thread.

I hope the people who said there wasn't a problem and you were being unreasonable are starting to take notes...

I couldn't get past this. I literally could not stay married to someone who was prepared to treat me like this. I think you'd be far better off financially - and psychologically - if you divorced him.

It's hard to describe just how bad this advice is especially given the OPs update about physical abuse straight afterwards.

The advice for domestic abuse is to form an escape plan. An escape plan includes some financial means if possible, to enable the actual escape.

This doesn't mean the OP 'is as bad as each other'. The purpose of hiding the money for her is to escape domestic abuse. The purpose of him hiding the money is for his own self desires and so he can carry out domestic abuse.

The false equivalence being drawn here to trap someone in a domestic abuse situation for longer than is necessary is appalling.

Gosh doesn’t sound like there’s much to save here.

See a solicitor.

I hope you are free of him soon.

It is highly possible your husband has more than £30k in savings.

Some terrible "advice" on here.

See a solicitor. You both have to fill in a Form E which declares all your money, investments, assets, etc. You will NOT have to give him half your 3k as there has to be equity so it will be taken into account but like this - you have 3, he has 51. He has to give you 27k so that there is equality. The children will be taken into account if under 18. Don't let him bully you but get help ASAP.