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Original poster

Husband is demanding money

268 replies

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 12:11

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
VividQuoter · 20/07/2024 20:20

This is quite hard because once a family started and the husband is the main earner and he never agreed to give you access to all his bank accounts, what do you do???

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 20/07/2024 20:06

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 19/07/2024 12:23

Can never understand the mentality of a spouse earning so much more than the other but happily watching the smaller earner struggle. Esp where kids are involved. It's a disgusting mentality to have and so unattractive. I hope you leave him soon and are happier x

I agree with this.
He sounds awful op.

Louisa791 · 20/07/2024 20:01

As someone that left a narcissist - keep saving, keep your cards close to your chest and don't tell him anything. As for the bills, keep telling him you haven't got the money - make up a lie if you have to

CardiffD · 20/07/2024 19:57

Keep saving and leave as soon as you can.

Milliemoo6 · 20/07/2024 19:49

Get out. Now.

NellieJean · 20/07/2024 19:37

We are very old fashioned. DH has always earned more than me but we have had one joint account since we got married. Never had an argument about money and don’t spend any significant amount without discussing it first. Lots of our friends have similar arrangements to yours OP, but without the aggression, and we just don’t understand it. If it works fine but clearly in your case it isn’t. Let’s be honest in the majority of cases it’s the women who is in the inferior position.

DiduAye · 20/07/2024 19:08

Glad you're planning to leave him he's an emotional and financial abuser!

SuchiRolls · 20/07/2024 18:57

Coercive control and financial abuse. To all those saying that she seems like she expects her husband to pay for everything, get a grip. Can you imagine how much disposable income he has a month to himself, even after paying the rest of the household bills? 55k in savings and doesn’t think it reasonable that he foot the bill for the car that his children are driven around in daily, by his wife that earns pennies in comparison. Being so insular and seeing this as anything other than ridiculous is insane to me. I don’t get these relationships where money isn't shared. I get having your own funds to do as you choose, but for one person to take on the caring and doing roll and the other able to earn so big, and in essence hoard the majority of the money. 55k in savings! This man is an utter disgrace and clearly never really wanted to share his life with anyone or have a family. Get your ducks in a row and leave him when you are able. Imagine spending the rest of your life feeling like the hired help? You are worth so much more than that and your children deserve to not be in such a toxic environment. I really hope you are able to get away from that.

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 20/07/2024 06:53

@tothelefttotheleft he is PAYE

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 19/07/2024 23:20

This is financial abuse
Get your ducks in a row
You'll be better off without this miserly, controlling bastard

tothelefttotheleft · 19/07/2024 20:48

If he's self employed you will probably not get maintenance because he can make his salary look small and take dividends etc.

Any savings you have would have to be declared on your form e if you divorce. Unless if you keep them in cash.....

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 19:37

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:25

I suppose having an autistic child somewhat changed the well made plans....

Show quote history

When we met DH was earning a little better than me, both worker FT
when he moved in with me we were paying bills split % in line with earnings and DH would sometimes pay for our holidays entirely. ( because I couldn’t afford to)
My oldest dc from first marriage was 9 when when our dc 2 was born & I was working ft
(DH first child) we agreed I’ll stay home until dc is in nursery and work pt while children are at school.
DH role changed and he was now earning much more We bought our first home, I went back to working PT , DH paid for everything and I paid for groceries and my personal bills, haircuts etc then we had our youngest, covid hit so plan was that again I will go back to work when dc goes to nursery at 2yo. That’s when we realised dc is autistic and we relocated to another part of the country for bigger house. I went back to work pt last year. We didn’t discuss money really there is no way Dc can be in wrap around care there isn’t a provision anyway and DH travels for up to a week away Youngest dc is in mainstream school with time 1:1 support , non verbal, abilities of 18-24monts old. dc is absolutely wonderful but full on hard work

OP posts:
Ontobetterthings · 19/07/2024 19:29

Gcsunnyside23 · 19/07/2024 12:39

Is send him a bill for his split of all the 'childcare' hours 'cleaning' hours etc you do and tell him to take it off what you're owed the last however many years you've had kids

Why does someone always say this???? So ridiculous 🙄 She's not going to invoice him and him actually pay.

Normallynumb · 19/07/2024 19:14

Op My third post but I just wanted to reassure you, you and your DC will be so much better off in your smaller house without him in so many ways. Financially because everything will be your decision, emotionally because he's grinding you down by his abuse, your confidence will soar and your DC will thrive
Obviously he will have to contribute too
Take great care until it's time to leave

newnamethanks · 19/07/2024 18:58

He's bloody lucky someone's willing to share the same roof as him, never mind their income. OP, your husbands a pig, one among many. Leave him as soon as you can.

ShirtyCollar · 19/07/2024 18:53

He is not a good person OP. I am sorry. The funeral story is so sad.

BirthdayRainbow · 19/07/2024 18:49

I stayed at home for 23 years. H paid for everything. I did most of the child care and household jobs and he did stuff in the evening and at weekends.

I'm divorcing him and it really isn't a case of waiting until one can afford to split. H moved to his mothers, I filed for divorce, got a solicitor and h had to give me a load of money. I'm getting more than half the house and more than 3/4 of his pension.

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/07/2024 18:46

Sorry commenting again . Op
you are with an abuser . Financially and emotionally .

Can you go back to life where your family are ?
If you go to women’s aid they can help support you .
I wouldn’t be staying in family home . Break away and have a fresh start and make him sell the house and take your half .
These men think women will never stand up or ever leave .
Please keep us updated on how your get on .

Thelittleweasel · 19/07/2024 18:43

@Lampslights

I wonder what happened to "with all my worldly goods I thee endow"

Despair1 · 19/07/2024 18:29

ladyjanegrey123 · 19/07/2024 17:13

It's interesting to read how married couples manage finances these days.
I WFH full time, minimum wage, 2 kids at primary school. Husband also WFH and earns like 10x more. I did almost 100% of childcare until they started school when they were not at their childminder/nursery (that was part-time). I still do laundry and 90% of cleaning and cooking. We have a common account where both of us pay our nearly full monthly wages - minus 200 quid each for our personal monthly expenses. We have one 5 year old SUV that mainly my DH drives (I am a terrible driver anyway). We hardly ever eat out or go out in the evenings. BUT we do go abroad like 3 times a year and that costs a lot. We have a 3-bed house and a mortgage. Children at state school, hoping to get them to a good grammar. Groceries, clothes for kids, household expenses, etc. all goes out from our common account. We don't count or divide who pays for what, it doesn't make any sense to argue about that after 10+ years of marriage and 2 kids (we did argue about that at the beginning our our relationships, but that seems like ages ago now). We live rather sparingly overall and save for our kids' futures and our pensions. I can't imagine me or him wasting big sums for expensive, useless stuff. All major financial decisions are taken together. We probaby sound rather old-fashioned and boring, LOL.

Sounds a great set up for all😀

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/07/2024 18:28

How to get to dump him soon

adviceneeded1990 · 19/07/2024 18:28

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:25

I suppose having an autistic child somewhat changed the well made plans....

Show quote history

Possibly, that’s why I’m asking. I’ve taught autistic children who live a fairly normal life with adjustments. Those children’s parents could absolutely work a 9-5 job. I’ve also taught autistic kids in specialist provision who will probably never function as independent adults, need frequent early collection or to follow a part time timetable and have co-morbidities requiring a parent to attend medical appointments frequently. Those parents would need to access carers allowance or work part time.

californiaisdreaming · 19/07/2024 18:25

He earns 10x more than you. Get divorced and take what should already be yours.

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:25

adviceneeded1990 · 19/07/2024 18:20

Was it a joint decision for you not to work full time? Or did you decide that and expect him to provide? I think the answer to that is important. If it’s a family decision for you to earn less then he 100% needs to provide and you need joint savings that you have access to. If you have chosen not to work fully and just expected him to provide everything then I think he’s got more of a leg to stand regarding the expectation he will pay for your car repairs. To be honest it wouldn’t occur to me to ask DH to pay for my car. But then to be fair to you, he also wouldn’t have 35k savings that I couldn’t access. This whole situation is why women need to stay financially independent really.

Edited

I suppose having an autistic child somewhat changed the well made plans....

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/07/2024 18:24

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 12:11

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays are you safe you sound scared of him ?
He will be angry whether you give him cash or not . Keep your cash safe as you nee it to leave .
leave asap though. Find a rental and go to lawyer for divorce papers to be sent as soon as you are out and safe. .

I got can get proof of the family savings he is squirrelling away do so .