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AIBU?

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Original poster

What to do about the weekend

91 replies

DancingQueen2018 · 19/07/2024 10:34

I’m away next weekend on a much needed solo trip so I really can’t move it.

the same weekend we (DH, I, DD13 and DD8) were invited to a bbq. Old work friends of DH, lovely people but no kids (and not likely to be any there), plus 90 minutes away.

DH would really like to go and says the kids will just need to suck it up, whereas I do agree on some level that they can’t always get their way I feel this is a recipe for disaster. We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

I feel if he wants to go he should, but leave the kids home - my mum who they adore will happily come and babysit. Or he should decline and do something with the kids they’ll all enjoy.

i’ve been far too much of a people pleaser in the past but am trying to be a stronger advocate for my daughter who’s had a really tough year, WIBU to put my foot down and say he needs to pick from the options above of the kids don’t want to go?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 19/07/2024 11:02

It's the end of the school year, your DD needs a couple of very low demand days of doing nothing if she is likely to have ASD to help her recharge and transition to holiday mode.

If your husband is abusive then I wouldn't be going a way at all certainly not leaving him in sole care.

I would agree with your mum that the children can go to hers for the weekend and frame it to your DH that it means you both get to have a 'grown ups' weekend, if DD won't go to grandmas then suggest to DH that he gets a Premier Inn for some much needed R&R and frame it as his idea.

And then, you make plans to leave him. If I was in a relationship where social services were involved due to the behaviour of the other parent I would not be sticking around. Your older daughter is old enough to decide how much she wants to see him, it may help their relationship massively if it was in short bursts.

longdistanceclaraclara · 19/07/2024 11:01

I can't get past you leaving her with him full stop.

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 10:59

op

this is bad. really bad. you are leaving your young teen daughter with her father with whom she has a diabolical relationship

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 10:58

DancingQueen2018 · 19/07/2024 10:55

How CAhMS have framed it to me is that early help will enable us to access support and courses around the best ways to parent and support our daughter. There’s been no suggestion of abuse, only that she doesn’t enjoy spending time with him.

i think it’s fair to say that I’ve tried to please a lot of people in the past (mostly my husband but a lot of others), but I recognise that a lot better now and am trying much harder to speak up when I think something is unacceptable but it doesn’t come easily to me and I do second guess myself a lot.

who referred?

Original poster
DancingQueen2018 · 19/07/2024 10:57

He’s always struggled with putting the children first and I’ve always endeavoured to make for his apparent lack of interest by doing more, what this means is though that they live being with me and not so much with him. but it’s all been magnified by the ASD and the extra care that you have to take with her.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 19/07/2024 10:56

I think your solution for your mum to babysit is good

Original poster
DancingQueen2018 · 19/07/2024 10:55

How CAhMS have framed it to me is that early help will enable us to access support and courses around the best ways to parent and support our daughter. There’s been no suggestion of abuse, only that she doesn’t enjoy spending time with him.

i think it’s fair to say that I’ve tried to please a lot of people in the past (mostly my husband but a lot of others), but I recognise that a lot better now and am trying much harder to speak up when I think something is unacceptable but it doesn’t come easily to me and I do second guess myself a lot.

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 10:52

CeruleanDive · 19/07/2024 10:49

I'm assuming emotional/verbal abuse. Why else would SS introduce Early Help, @AntiHop? The bar is pretty high. They don't refer because a father can't plan appropriate weekend activities for his children.

exactly

this will be serious

CeruleanDive · 19/07/2024 10:49

I'm assuming emotional/verbal abuse. Why else would SS introduce Early Help, @AntiHop? The bar is pretty high. They don't refer because a father can't plan appropriate weekend activities for his children.

CeruleanDive · 19/07/2024 10:46

The way you are framing this is really concerning, OP.

You haven't been a people pleaser, have you? You've been a husband pleaser. Presumably because you're scared of him?

You say "DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times" but a 13-year-old isn't responsible for her relationship with her father when things have got so bad that social services are involved. You mean that your husband is abusive towards your DD.

AntiHop · 19/07/2024 10:45

CeruleanDive · 19/07/2024 10:38

If SS are involved, presumably he is actively abusive, as any neglect by him would have been remedied by you.

And yet he still expects his wants to come above all, and the kids to suck it up.

Do you really need to ask if yabu?

Edited

They've been referred to Early Help. That's for families that need support, not for families where there's abuse.

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 10:42

my daughter who’s had a really tough year

a huge understatement i suspect

NervousSubject · 19/07/2024 10:41

Unless he’s planning to stay indefinitely at the barbecue, I see no reason why he shouldn’t involve the kids in finding something fun to do in the vicinity or on the way (if it’s 90 minutes away), and they make a day of it in a way that means everyone has some fun.

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 10:41

We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

WTAF

SS?

I would NOT be leaving the children with his man

how the HELL would you even consider going?! i wouldn’t sleep let alone relax

Yousaidwhatagain · 19/07/2024 10:41

He needs to leave them at home with your mum. He can't expect them to go especially as they have no kids. Why does he want them there, to show how great he is?

CeruleanDive · 19/07/2024 10:38

If SS are involved, presumably he is actively abusive, as any neglect by him would have been remedied by you.

And yet he still expects his wants to come above all, and the kids to suck it up.

Do you really need to ask if yabu?