What to do about the weekend

The fact that he is a poor parent who can't adapt for the children is concerning and means that more consnideration to the children's needs/wants are needed than perhaps is standard.

Obviously, this is WITHOUT any issues in either me/DH's relationship with the DC but a similar situation recently came up when DH was working and I wanted to visit a friend about 90 minutes away. I took the Dc with me, and each brought a friend. It was helped by the fact that my friend lives near a beach so we all went to the beach (with my friend and her DH) then went back to their (lovely, and frankly very big) house for a BBQ and the DC lolled around on their ipads, chatting etc The boys played a bit of casual football in the garden.

For anyone who missed it:

We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

OP describes her husband's relationship with their teenage DD as "terrible" and referral to Early Help is to address this. No suggestion that DD's behaviour is unmanageable or even challenging.

i think it’s fair to say that I’ve tried to please a lot of people in the past (mostly my husband but a lot of others), but I recognise that a lot better now and am trying much harder to speak up when I think something is unacceptable but it doesn’t come easily to me and I do second guess myself a lot.

Obviously, it takes time to trust one's own judgement when you're accustomed to acquiescing, but a good test is to ask yourself whether you would drag your DC to that event to see your friends without a second adult if they desperately didn't want to go and you could just leave them with your mum instead.

Obviously atm SS support is voluntary (probably as they recognise that you are protecting your DC), but learning to stand up to DH when it comes to putting the DC's welfare first is an important step in being able to protect the DC, because if he is making questionable decisions and you are going along with them against your own better judgement, then it's a sign that you're potentially unable to protect them from his poor judgement.

In your situation, I would err on the side of caution, especially until you've had more input and advice on the SEN and support needs from CAMHS (and SS).

I’m sorry @DancingQueen2018 you may well need a break but you can’t just go off and leave your 13 yr old with her dad considering the referral to SS , that is not a normal outcome from CAMHS. Can you not arrange for the children to go to their grandmother for the weekend otherwise I think you need to stay home or take her with you

But we also have it because we need help handling DS.
If we were handling him perfectly we would (hopefully) not have problems with his behaviour.

has anyone said abuse?

We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times,

yes - but you can be referred to help with a parent manage relationship with child

I'm not in any way suggesting that the father is not at fault or his behaviour is a concern.

But - you cannot extrapolate that there is suspected abuse because of a referral to early help - that isn't how it works.

OP states in her OP that Early Help is involved specifically to improve DH relationship with DD. It doesn't mention the DD having explosive meltdowns, not everyone with autism does, so there is no reason to think (given the information available) that this is anything to do with offering support with challenging child behaviour.

and another one 🙄

Hey some serious misunderstanding about SS early help here!!

If you have a child with additional needs EARLY HELP is to BENEFIT the family - it is NOT linked to abuse.

We self referred to early help! was not in the slightest useful tbh - but it has NOTHING to do with abuse.

what you have done @Raveonette is plough in with your size 10s without reading the thread properly

the OP, the OP!, said they had been referred because of her husband’s relationship and handling of his daughter

as long as you get your much needed solo trip thats all that matters ay?

But that's not the situation here, @Raveonette, @drspouse. As was clear from OP’s first post.

This family have it because of the fathers relationship with his daughter

so a touch different

SS involvement doesn’t always mean abuse or neglect. They also help families in need of support. I’m not suggesting OP’s husband is dad of the year, but SS doesn’t automatically equal abuse or neglect.

OP - if your mum is happy to babysit it’s an obvious solution. If your DH is digging in and insisting they come despite having that option then he is being completely unreasonable and needs to recognise that his relationship with your daughter isn’t going to improve if he forced her to spend time with him against her will in a situation that’s likely to be miserable for her.

I hope your family is able to get the help it needs for this situation to be resolved.

The bar for statutory is higher than most people would imagine or be remotely comfortable with, @Notmydaughteryoubitch.

The idea that OP can sit down and successfully talk this through with her husband, given how he has been described, is optimistic at best.

There's some really damaging misinformation on this thread. Early Help does NOT necessarily mean abuse. We are working with Early Help because we're struggling with DS who has ADHD/ODD/anxiety and likely ASD. He has huge raging meltdowns where people get hurt. I (more than my husband) struggle with how to handle him and our reationship needs work. We are not abusive and there has never been any suggestion that we are.

Back to the OP - simce your mum has offered, that seems like the best solution. If you didn't have anyone to babysit then I'd say no harm in taking them, but take stuff for them to do (even if it means they sit playing on their devices, it won't hurt for an afternoon) and be prepared to potentially leave early if things do get difficult.

We have Early Help and a family worker due to DS behaviour/difficulties. It's not an indicator of abuse and yes it has helped us to get additional support.
And yes, both DH and I need support in how we deal with DS but I've left him with the DCs this week while I've been away for work, and everyone is still alive.

The OP said early help - this is not statutory social care, it's voluntary support to help them as a family. It does not mean the father is abusive but it does sound like he struggles to prioritize and understand the needs of his children. I would absolutely sit down with him and think this through together, in fact it may be helpful to have this discussion together with your early help worker too.

And now you're shifting the focus from your husband's treatment of your DD to the impact of her ASD. Poor kid.

From what you've said, OP, it seems that your DC:

• are under a great deal of stress

• likely have SEN

• are recognised by SS as needing some additional support to foster their wellbeing

• don't want to go to a boring long-haul event for their dad's sole benefit (especially without you there to ensure their needs are met while he's off socialising); and

• already have alternative childcare available.

The only reason he could possibly have for wanting to drag the DC to the event against their will under these circumstances is through selfishly wanting to show off his family, but they are children, not fashion accessories.

Plus, the fact that he's even considering putting his wants before their needs in taking them to the event illustrates what a nightmare situation this is going to be for them once he gets there and needs them to 'suck it up' and not bother him while he's socialising.

YWNBU to tell him the DC's wellbeing comes first and that you have made arrangements for them to stay with your DM. He can still do what he wants, so it's a win-win situation.

All this fuss over a bbq? Your dh needs to grow up!

"Sorry mate can't make it this time, maybe next time!"

10 simple words that solve this whole issue!

If your mum is happy to have them then I'd definitely leave the kids with her. Even if there wasn't the strained father / daughter relationship, an adult BBQ with people you don't know isn't much fun when you're that age.