What to do about the weekend

Early Help is not SS. Early Help is usually run by local councils and is when a support worker meets with the family and contacts other agencies to support the family, such as support agencies for ASD. They liaise with the school, healthcare etc and help with parenting skills. It can be stepped up to SS, but this is rare. I know all this because I used to chair TAFs (Team Around the Familly) meetings for Early Help.

Pretty tough but a people pleaser? SS involved but nothing to worry about?

You'll explain it all as us not understanding "context", ie it's all fine and we're just thick, but dear Lord, there's clearly more going on here.

Early Help is not the same as SS involvement. Early Help can be self referred.

If there was abuse or neglect suspected, it wouldn't be dealt with via voluntary Early Help.

I think the husband sounds really bad btw, especially with OP's updates, but struggling to parent does not mean you are abusive, and I think it's bad on a parenting website to insinuate that.

If mum can babysit then that seems like a good option. Overall though, you need to be able to trust that DD will do as her father says and that her father's expectations will be ok. I mean if you have to micro manage every because you can't trust them to work together at all, then you shouldn't go.

If you're "pretty tough", @DancingQueen2018, how have you allowed your husband's behaviour towards his particularly vulnerable daughter to continue to this point?

@DancingQueen2018 He’s always struggled with putting the children first . Bloody hell! what part of being a parent does he not get?? He sounds like a selfish asshole!! there will be other bbq's you can all go to! does he think they will just spoil his fun? is he intent on just getting drunk or something?? is he deliberately trying to sabotage YOUR weekend away which sounds like something you do not do very often??

A parent can have a difficult relationship with a child without it being abusive.

Say what you want, but kids' behaviour can result in tension between them and parents. Obviously.

Mum helping out I think is the best option.

Thank you to the person who pointed out how high the bar is for social services involvement and why.

The bar for SS to actually get involved is high, to do more than just signpost and close the care. As you have seen yourself, @SilverDoe

The bar for Early Help is not high.

You can refer yourself and it is entirely voluntary.

If you went to the school, for example, and said DD is struggling at home, there's friction between her dad, also possibility of ND for both of them, their response would be very likely to refer to Early Help, who will likely just provide them a list of potential resources and charities they can in turn refer the family to.

I have a situation with an insane neighbour terrorising my children; I phoned SS myself and all they could do was ask school to do Early Help assessment and closed the case. The result of that has been I've been advised of a charity who can help with advocacy for us with applications etc.

Just posting to illustrate for people who have never been involved with EH, that it is absolutely not for cases where abuse is actively suspected.

It seems quite straightforward. You go away, he goes to BBQ, children stay at home with gran. Just because he needs to improve his relationship with his children doesn't mean he has to do that ALL the time. If an arrangement makes everyone happy that's very satisfactory unless I'm missing something.

Is your husband being assessed for ASD? If not, would he consider it?

Do SS know he has suspected ASD? Does he even know?

Surely your DM babysitting is the ideal solution.
DH gets to go to the BBQ and socialise without bored children in tow.
Children have a good time with their grand mother.
Sounds like a win win to me. What's the problem with this?

Don’t be a prick, @Tricho

Are you suggesting that OP should cancel her booked holiday to attend DH's ex-colleague's barbecue instead?

Her DM can babysit so her going on the trip without the DC isn't the issue at all - it's her DH insisting on taking the DC to an event they don't want to go to.

OP, I don't know if DH is controlling/petty, but is there a possibility that DH is insisting on taking the DC to cause issues that prevent you from going away or to deter you from making solo plans in the future? If so, id definitely just arrange for DM to babysit from the outset in future.

Honestly in the situation you describe I wouldn’t be leaving my husband with our children at all

No, @Shielehdie. I'm going on what OP said in her posts, which is not reflected in yours.

Far from trying liven up my day (that is such a tasteless comment) I've worked in conjunction with SS, and seen the bar to their involvement. The vast majority of the public have no idea what is required for SS to accept a referral.

There is no indication that it is the daughter's behaviour that has triggered the referral (beyond her distress), only the husband's behaviour.

(OP, it's always a mistake to post anything of this nature on AIBU. Relationships perhaps.)

Op - my daughter is autistic and would not cope in a situation you describe re. BBQ - and if dad is struggling to cope / support her then he needs to be told.

Make an arrangement for her at least to stay with your mum.

On the contrary - they sound very similar though my DH doesn't have ASD, he's had panic attacks induced by DS behaviour, and like the OP, early help is working on our mental health, both our interactions with him etc etc.
It can be very hard to admit you need help in your relationship with your DC and also that you need a break from parenting, and this may well be what the OP's DH is struggling with.

I would not leave my DD for a weekend with her dad if their relationship had broken down to a point that SS are involved and trying to help.

But if you're going to go ahead with your weekend away regardless then yes absolutely let your DDs stay with their grandma instead of 3 hours stuck in a car for a BBQ with their dads friends. How shit for them.

This thread isn't about your situation, @drspouse. And it sounds like the reasons for your referral have little relevance to OP's.

Just stress to him that he'll have a much better time/catch up on his own than having to make sure the kids are ok.

All these people smugly saying that posters talking about early help haven’t read the thread properly or have misunderstood are honestly astounding.

The fact that the help in this situation is to improve the father’s relationship with his daughter STILL doesn’t mean abuse is happening. It might mean he doesn’t know how to handle her when she’s struggling with her emotions, or that he isn’t active and engaged with her, or that her behaviour is triggering shut downs in him and making things worse.

Lots of people are imperfect parents without being abusive and can, with help, overcome their issues and be much better. Social services regularly help in situations such as these.

I know it’s thrilling for some of you to liven up your day by imagining a dramatic scenario and then taking the moral high ground over anyone not willing to plunge headfirst into your fantasies but you’re talking to a real person doing her best in a real situation, and however much you’ve decided you must be absolutely right about this, none of you actually know anything about what is actually happening with this family.