What to do about the weekend

this has shit show for the children stamped all over it

the op will get her weekend away

but will return to a horror

* she doesn’t enjoy spending time with him.*

he doesn’t put the children first

he has been referred to SS for support re his relationship with this young teen who has a very serious mental health history

the OP is happy for the children to be at home,

you think the OP is “happy” to leave them with the children given how she has described him?

No, the OP is happy for the children to be at home, just thinks they will hate the BBQ and thinks her DH is being stubborn about that.

And yes there's a high bar for child protection but that isn't what this is. There's a low bar for Early Help.

the OP doesn’t want her children with their father for the weekend because she feels very uncomfortable about it

sort of tells me all i need to know about how serious the issue is between him and his children.

have you been you referred to SS early years because of tour DH’s relationship with his teen daughter? do you think your DH never “puts his children first”?

i hope not

"someone" is the other parent. My kids generally prefer being at my house with me than their dad's. He is impatient and shouty but not unsafe. They do go (they're teens..old enough to say if they don't want to) and i get a hugely needed break. Mummy martyrdom can go too far and some on here are far too quick to be keyboard warriors for unrealistic and extreme hyperbole. Dad's not perfect...quick, call the police.

my benchmark for leaving my children in someone’s care for the weekend is not simply that they are “not a danger” to my children

and given the entire thrust of the thread that Op has started…. i would say i am correct in thinking WTF how will you be able to relax

I think you're options of go alone or stay home are fine in this situation.

Normally I'd agree with him about sucking it up sometimes as a general principle but he seems overly invested in making a power play to deliberately piss them off when there is a better solution for everyone. It would really really bother me in the context of your situation that he would rather force a situation than will upset him, his kids and ultimately the friend, just so he can say "I knew they would ruin it" and has an excuse to punish them.

@quickoffthemark well maybe the op knows her family dynamic better than we do and is confident that whilst their relationship needs work her DH is not a danger to his children. Maybe she also knows that if she doesn't get a breathing space she will also be unable to continue to cope. Perfectly fathomable.

i honestly can’t understand how you’d relax for a nano second

knowing your two young children are with someone who doesn’t put his children first and needs professional help in managing his relationship with his daughter

unfathomable actually

Just popping on to echo other pp about what EH actually do. I actually wish their existence and function was more widely known. So often as a parent we are flailing about hoping for the best, asking on here, going down internet rabbitholes and being told contradictory things, being blamed. My involvement with them gas comes about because one of my children is socially v vulnerable, made some bad choices and needs professional help...as to I to know how to help him. The Team around the Family meetings are just that. Some on here do seem to jump to the most extreme scenarios based on one word or phrase. AIBU isn't a court of law and forensically analysing language to try and "prove" something is not helping the op.

Those referrals were due to children being challenging, @Shielehdie. That's not the case here. How can my reference to a high bar be specific here? I'm hardly going to quote a case, and it wouldn't be helpful to OP anyway.

Why are you so determined that no one can be concerned at the situation OP describes for her DD, but just be motivated by a desire for drama? Such an odd response. I would rather not have seen cases of emotional abuse minimised and ignored by SS, only in one case for them to contact me later asking for further details as they were now trying to remove a baby. It's kept me awake at night many times and you can never feel you've done enough.

If the kids don't want to go, they should of course stay home with your mum. Tell him it makes more sense for everyone to be able to do what they like. He can socialise without having to parent 🙄, and kids can have a nice day with their nan. Surely if you phrase it like that he's not going to try and force them along?
Especially with SS involved he must know they shouldn't be dragged to places where there's no other kids and they'll be bored.
I hope he tries to seek help for his symptoms, which could indeed be ASD related. Though neglect is obviously not acceptable. I know you say it's not come to that which is good.

Your vague references to their being a ‘high bar’ for early help involvement are directly contradicted by the accounts of several posters on here who have actually had that involvement for reasons which have nothing to do with abuse.

You either don’t know what you’re talking about or you’re choosing to be deliberately obtuse for the sake of creating a dramatic soap opera narrative.

We were referred to early help because of school refusal and self harm - there is social services and social services………..

@DancingQueen2018 do you think your DD would be happier if your DH didn’t live with you?

I think it's clear from OP's post that her husband is emotionally abusive to their DH, @SilverDoe.Try getting SS to act on that. Impossible.

I don't understand why he won't take the MIL babysitting option? Far less stressful all round.

No kids/teens are going to enjoy that BBQ. For your daughter, it will probably be actively stressful. If he won't accept your DM coming cover, take the kids there when you leave. Enjoy your weekend.

That is a horrible thing to say, maybe the OP is at the end of her rope and needs a break, maybe it involves an obligation to someone other than immediate family. Or maybe as am individual in her own right she wants to just go and have fun for one fucking weekend.

Put your door down . Drop the kids at your mums before you go away . It’s the only way you will
have any inner peace all weekend.

Your husband is a bully

and not a people pleaser when it comes to her 13 year old daughter suffering from hellish mental heath issues