Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

I'm not surprised you were upset. He was really rude to you in your home. The odd coffee upstairs is fine, but just walking off with food when you are a guest in someone's house is rude.

What kind of response is that? So unhelpful and why does everything have to be about poor mental health… never heard of an instinct about something?!

Personally I do think this is a little bit concerning OP. Especially if you’ve said he’s not shy… you’ve clearly got a gut feeling about it so I’d just keep an eye. I probably wouldn’t mention anything to your daughter yet though as you don’t want to push her away if he does end up having controlling tendencies .. that might sound dramatic but in my experience with people like that you get a gut feeling and usually correct.

When I was 19, I done exactly this, never crossed my mind it was rude. You are in your own bubble and used to being in a house share situation at uni and having your bedroomas your only personal space. I wouldn't take it personally, you get stuck in your rut

You are minimising your own feelings when you use the words needy, clingy and silly. He’s a guest in your house, and his manners are dreadful saying ‘will we take our coffee upstairs?’ leaving you feel like a lemon in your own house! They’ve had lots of private time with you out and about; he is not behaving like a good guest towards his host. Mi casa es mi casa.

I think it sounds normal. I remember when I brought my 19 year old boyfriend home. We never hung out with my parents! We'd always be in my room. It didn't occur to me that my parents might actually find this hurtful.

He’s rude and got no right to dictate where they eat

I don't think you're overreacting. He sounds rude & arrogant. His behaviour is also controlling & possessive which is concerning. Would it be possible to talk to her on your own to find out how he behaves towards her?
If future visits occur, set out your house rules & pull him up on his rudeness if necessary, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

I'm thinking with my 19yo first-relationship head on.

I don't think they were that out of order, and I think your reaction could be a bit overbearing for your daughter.

When I was visiting my ILs at that age I was a lovestruck teenager who, no, did not want to join with the trip to Sainsbury's etc, or spend lots of time hanging out with his siblings. They're teens dating, not getting married. (Though come to think of it, DH did propose on that trip).

What puts us off is the overbearing "my baaaaaaaby is going" stuff. With my family it's easy-come-easy-go and we do some stuff together, some apart.

Whereas MIL actually locked us out of a shared villa so that we'd have to come out to join them one year on holiday.

I don't think this is the crime of the century. Set some ground rules if you must, maybe about the food. But if you make a big deal, what you fear might come to pass.

OP he was very rude. Nobody likes being treated rudely in their own home, so that's why you were upset!

I'd take DD aside and say, he seems nice and I'm pleased to have met him but a) certain behaviours the two of you did were rude - next time, all meals downstairs and don't exclude your brother from group conversations. b) he seems a bit controlling, make sure he doesn't tread all over you DD and stand up for your wishes.

At 19 they're likely immature and lusting after one another so I wouldn't worry that she's be like this forever, but also you don't want to turn her against you, so don't be too heavy handed or weepy with her - just lay down the ground rules calmly and say you expect to be treated with more respect next time.

This relationship is very unlikely to last - I hope for your sake it ends sooner rather than later, but don't let DD know you think that way!

You’re not over reacting .He sounds rude and possessive.You need to find a way of communicating ground rules to your DD before your home becomes his playground.Sadly I sadly I speak from experience .

Basically he has no manners.

But your DD hasn't covered herself in glory either

You need to set out your expectations to her and she can enforce them with B/F

Meals downstairs. A couple of them with you. No late night cooking. When you're all together then conversations should be general

A proper Goodbye and Thank You

They’re young adults in the early stages of a relationship and they want a bit of privacy rather than family time. That’s normal.

Some people might think it’s rude that they ate upstairs etc but it sounds to me as if you just had really different expectations of the visit than they did. I don’t think that, at 19, my then boyfriend and I sat downstairs with my parents every evening when he came to stay. I think in your mind you are the one ‘hosting’ a guest, but in your DD’s mind, she is the one ‘hosting’ her boyfriend in the home she lives in, much like she would if she lived with a flatmate rather than her mother.

Either way, I think crying and being upset and thinking he’s taking her away from you is quite an extreme reaction. Unless you genuinely think he’s somehow abusive, but nothing you’ve said in your first post suggests that’s the case.

Absolutely - I don't know if it was spidey senses, but I felt like side-eyeing this bloke just reading OP's first post.

Really? Disappointed to not spend much time with her child is a mental disorder? That's completely ridiculous.

I would mention it.

Id be very careful to seem sympathetic though. So to broach it as in ‘poor boy, does he not have family dinners? I felt really bad for him at dinner when he didn’t know how to have a group conversation. Maybe if we do it a bit more we can show him how to do it. Must have been a bit awkward for you.’ Or whatever comes naturally and see how the conversation goes.
He does sound rude. And I’d want to keep an eye on it in terms of him isolating her. You want to be careful not to get her feeling conflicted and stuck in the middle.

Don't overthink it, just nip (some) of it in the bud.

If he's only here for 4 days and she's living at home for the summer I wouldn't have really been upset that the coffee catch up was interrupted, you do have weeks more time with her.

The food in the room and eating at midnight thing not on though and I would address that with her very lightly if he comes back: hey dd, hate this eating in your room thing, I'd rather we all ate together at the table like normal people and just be aware if you're coming in late you can't start cooking a whole meal, you woke the whole house up.

The rudeness thing you just need to persevere through with a patented tinkly MN laugh.

I have a uni age DD and I wouldn't like this. Although the one rule I've had is no food upstairs only water, we all eat and drink downstairs.

I think it is the lack of manners of someone staying in your house. At the least I would expect a hello and goodbye and perhaps a 5 min chat over a coffee. I think having a conversation over dinner that excludes you and your DS is poor form too. I do think some YP are on their phones so much that they don't understand basic manners and perhaps come from a house that don't eat together so it might not be controlling behaviourfrom the BF. My approach would be to have a casual chat to your DD and say that whilst her BF seems nice you would prefer a little more interaction whilst he is a guest in your home.

And so does her dd? She is just as rude, if not more because she is gladly allowing this.

Why are you pinning it all on him? Is your dd incapable of speaking up or having respect for you ? I would be annoyed if anyone took their dinner to the room to eat, bad habit. It's your dd home so she allowed this, surely your upset needs to be with her.

I think its OK to say is boyfriend shy he didn't seem to like sitting having his coffee etc. just let's her know you noticed and you are open to talk about it, you are not saying you don't like him or anything just noticing his behaviour seemed a bit rude.

You have every right to be upset, he sounds very rude. I can understand them wanting to spend time alone together but it's ill mannered of him not to make the effort to chat to you and your ds and to not even say a proper goodbye to you both and thank you for your hospitality. He sounds controlling, it's not as if you think he's shy and if he was, then that behavior would be excusable from a younger person, but he's at an age where he should know better. If he's coming to stay again, I'd have a quiet word with dd and just say, in future, you'd prefer all meals to be eaten downstairs etc You can't force him to be friendly towards you but you can set the rules in your own house and not allow him to have so much control when he's under your roof. Hopefully, the relationship won't last.

4 days is a long time for a first visit. He should be making much more effort to get to know the family if he wants to live under your roof for nearly a week!

You've every right to set some boundaries.