Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

My kids always said they hated eating with the parents of their mid-teen friends, it was always awkward and I remember feeling the same at their age. (It was always a bit Kevin and Perry, ‘yes Mrs Pattinson’). As they were at my home to ‘hang out’ with my kids the eating arrangements were very informal.

I know this scenario is a bit different but is it more his lack of manners that’s upset you rather than lack of you spending time with them?

You're not stupid op, he sounds rude. No one wants to feel excluded in their own home. He may be fine or your gut instinct could be onto something, too early to tell.

I think if she mentions the visit I'd comment that he was a bit rude and its a family home not a hotel. Wouldn't have killed him to be a bit more sociable.

Sounds rude and suffocating.

Surely they can eat in the communal area at least.

I know it can be harder when you’re on your own, no one to bounce off if you’re feeling a bit alone or unsure of something. I hope the lad proves to be nice though and not a jerk if she continues to see him 🤞

@hammering I agree with this. You got upset because you could sense something was off and were probably shocked someone could be so rude to you in your own home, so you couldn't make sense of it. My dad would have hit the roof if I brought a boyfriend home who acted like that!

Also agree about going for a long walk, dinner etc and let DD open up. She's young and navigating this kind of relationship is hard. Let her feel she can always come to you. The visit is done, leave that be so DD isn't anxious about bringing him home again.

He sounds like a bellend all round OP, I would be keeping everything crossed that he doesn't last 😁. You are absolutely not being over sensitive or silly and don't minimise your feelings. I think lots of single parents are prone to being endlessly understanding and flexible and tolerant of their children, sometimes maybe because there isnt another adult there to say 'well that was a bit off' or 'show more respect to your mum/dad'. There is a gender dimension to it too, I wonder would he have been as rude and somewhat domineering if there was another man in the house? I'm a single mother myself so I recognise some of the dynamics, indeed I had a bit of it with my own son when he was about 14 but I shut that shit down very fast.

He could be just rude, or he could be controlling.

Try and get your dd out on a walk/drive to have a good general chat about things, I find they open up more when they don't feel they're being grilled.

Agreed. That's why I've said to talk to her. But he should also know that's not how you behave, and he's the guest so I expect him to behave better.

I think it’s probably more to do with his upbringing. My kids know how to behave in other people’s houses as I have brought them up to know this. Such as if you are invited to stay somewhere for the weekend you take a gift. Always talk to your host, eat with your host if invited to. Thank host when leaving and follow up with thank you letter. We have a rule in this house of no eating in bedrooms.

I wouldn’t over-react on this occasion as he is young and has been brought up with different values. But I’d probably speak to your DD in advance of him visiting again. So she can train him a little bit.

He sounds rude as shit and you sound very, very meek.

It’s your house. Lay some ground rules with your daughter.

Some teenagers are more mature than others. I was an immature teenager and I remember hating every minute of having to talk to my boyfriend's parents at that age. It just felt so awkward. Couldn't wait until we were alone. I was definitely not controlling, just quite shy and found it hard to make small talk, so this wouldn't bother me.

I remember when my daughter brought her first boyfriend home, I gave them the choice of eating upstairs or with us and they chose upstairs. It was just more relaxed. As we got to know him they would eat with us more. They're married now and I couldn't ask for a nicer son in law.

@spanieleyes22 You are not being overly sensitive. Sure they're young, but even kids younger than that have basic manners when they visit someone's home. Chatting, offering to help out, saying thank you etc..

Don't say anything to dd, but keep your connection with her strong. I agree that bf might be controlling and manipulative for her attention. A good partner embraces ALL of you. They will ask your family for funny stories about you, or try and impress your mun/brother so that you can see them fitting into your life.
A healthy partner does not want to isolate you from everyone else.

He was rude and lacking in basic life skills. It’s your house too and good manners are essential for everyone to be comfortable, not just the precious young people.

Nah, that's bad manners. You speak to everyone at a table. You also make effort with anyone you meet for the first time, especially if they're hosting you in their home. it doesn't matter if it is your girlfriends parents or someone random seated beside you at a dinner party.
I honestly wouldn't feel "he's taking her away from us" That's neither here nor there ( and yes, immature thinking, sorry op - children moving on is part of life- and a good thing). I expect basic manner from anyone entering my home

I had this with my daughters uni BF . I think they were living like semi adults away and found it strange to be back in childhood home adhering to previous routines . BF was a bit awkward, later found out he felt intimidated by our different standard of living , my way of speaking directly I think. They did retreat to the room a lot too. I did comment on it to my daughter privately and she begged for me to give him a chance .

Happy to say , 6 years later , he is a very welcome visitor in our home , huge part of our lives and turned out to be a kind loving partner to our daughter.

I disagree, how low is the bar? If they are adults with everything that is associated with the freedoms of that, then they need to meet some basic standards of civilised behaviour. My children are mid teens, peak age for cringe but if friends are here at meal times now then they are eaten as normal family meals together. I would feel I had raised my children poorly if they got to 19 or 20 and behaved as the Op's daughters boyfriend (and daughter herself) had behaved.

I’m a single parent too but to be honest I can’t relate. It’s easy come easy go in my house. I’ve always had an open door policy with my kids friends/gfs they can come and go as they please.

Ask them to eat at the table.
Nothing u healthy about keeping a good repore with your daughter over a coffee.
He needs to be polite and considerate while in your home.
If I was 19 I would want to take off and snuggle up with my bf or hang out together as I did back then myself.
It is part of them growing up and having a life independent of parents.

I think you are being hard on yourself and frankly too easy on your daughter. I would consider not contacting you for weeks to be very very poor and I certainly would have said something about that. And then the antics with this clown? Fuck that, you don't need to be so much the cool mum, you sound like a great and very understanding person but that shouldn't segue into being a walkover.

Communal meals can be absolutely cringe and awkward at that age. As teens my kids were allowed to eat in their rooms with friends and sort their own meals if they wished. Relaxed and informal were very much the vibe at home.

Yes some basic manners should be expected but no more than a cheery hello/goodbye.

I’m sure if he comes over more often they’ll relax a bit more around you.

I agree with @ErickBroch . You aren't overreacting at all, she's gone to Uni and had other boyfriends so you're clearly not smothering her, but this young man comes into your home and makes a concerted effort to reject you from your daughter's time and attention.

No matter what my level of intimacy with someone, whether friend, partner or colleague, to go to somebody's family home and ignore their family members, deliberately take my food and drink away into another room where they couldn't follow, then not say goodbye to them: these are extremely rude and unusual behaviours! You aren't being silly, you're trying to bury your very reasonable issues with this to be nice to your daughter (understandable). See if she's able to have a casual chat with you about how she felt about him and the visit.

Good luck, OP.

Fuck that, they are staying in the OP's home and behaving very rudely and creating an odd and awkward atmosphere, the OP has every right to put in ground rules if she wishes. As to the 'well I you say anything, you'll push them together more' angle, I agree that's a risk in these kind of scenarios but if she doesn't say anything, the daughter may not wake up and smell the coffee and think his behaviour is OK and normal or worse, a sign of just how much he loves her.