Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

Your not stupid. You're her mum and of course you miss and want to spend time with her. He's probably feeling shy and awkward being in your home. He may come out of his shell more next time.

He is coming into your home and setting the rules. You need to nip this in the bud. If you’re having coffee / chatting with her and he looks to go upstairs you say to him she’ll be up shortly Young people often don’t consider how bringing partners to stay can affect family members or that it might be disruptive to other family members. He’s quite cheeky to come to your home and make you feel like that If he can dish it out he is well able to get it back.

They may be young and immature, but this is rude behaviour and needs to be called out.

Hopefully your DD will chuck this one back. He sounds very possessive and bad mannered and really should not be upsetting the balance in your home.

It’s not “normal” behaviour to not want to ensure you get along well with those people close to the person you love. We are social animals and social connections are what drive us. His behaviour in avoiding you and not going out all guns to engage with you and ds (especially given dd said you were much loved by her) is not “normal”.

Ok teeenagers are pants at emotional intelligence, and their brains don’t stop developing until 22-24 we now know- but that last bit of development is more impulse control type stuff. but even so, most younger adults will still be driven to try to make a good impression and get along with partners parents especially on first few meetings - may fade if they decide once they know you that they hate you 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣.

its difficult to know what to say or not say to dd, she will get defensive at any hint of criticism. What I would say to her in a very casual way, before he visits agian, that you don want any guest she has eating in her room, that meals in your home are social affairs and unless going out you eat together. she and any guest can cook for you all f they want to eat their choice, but it is not a house of multiple occupancy . Tell her you didn’t say anything at time when bf stayed, as you were taken aback by it and didn’t expect you’d need to explain…but you’re now saying it is a house rule for any visitor staying with her in your home going forward. Will apply to ds as well.

id then be checking up on her regularly about what her social life is like. What has she been up to on her own, as opposed to stuff with bf. Look particularly carefully at accommodation next year - raise real concerns if she’s moving in with just him. She needs to be in house with a range of other friends to ensure she has a balanced social life. Now is not time to start “making home” with a love of her life.

If you get any indication he is monopolising her attention and affection, raise that as a concern in a relaxed way. There’s ways of doing that where you can be less than obvious. It may be harmless fixation stage of relationship by young man who doesn’t have a lot of xperiencenwithcrelationships and hall calm down over time. On the other hand there’s a few little red flutters that could indicate he is controlling.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. My 19 yo son doesn't act like this with girlfriends. He knows when he's a guest in another person's house that he needs to be respectful. He'd never suggest taking dinner to his girlfriends room!

When they both come back to my place after a night out they always come upstairs (bedroom on ground floor) to tell me they are home and they make some polite chat before going to his room.

I'd certainly be wary if you feel uncomfortable, he sounds controlling and rude to me.

I've read most of this post and I can't shake why all this is on him and not your daughter (your feelings that is). Does she know you'd have wanted to be involved in the way you describe? She's the one who brought a guest?

I think it's ok to have some concern but I wonder if when you do speak up, you risk alienating her because you've already seen him as competition

Hi OP

Having read your updates such as "He talked to her directly at the meal about people me and dad don't know and if I tried to join in he just kinda ignored what I said. Like I say it's hard to work out why I'm upset"

And the fact that he sees your daughter having coffee with you but interrupts it to suggest taking it upstairs.

I do think this is more than 'being in love and wanting to spend all your time together'. Most people want to impress or get along with their partners family, not display some kind of dominance or make it into a competition about who spends most time alone together.

If he is like this at uni, she is in danger of being isolated from her friends, if he is like this there

I think I would speak to her. Not about house ground rules etc as I don't think that's the important thing here. It's the fact that she seems to defer to him on a lot of minor decisions and he doesn't seem happy about her interacting in a normal way with family that is a bit concerning. So I'd check in with her that she is OK and just comment that he didn't seem to want her to spend any time with you and give examples of him suggesting that they eat in their room, they take coffees upstairs, they walk instead of give lifts, not joining in with polite small talk. Lie and say you like him, and you're happy if she is happy, and you're fine with her not having lifts or coffee or whatever but it is a change in behaviour for her compared to what she has been like in other relationships and you just want to check in that she is happy, and she doesn't feel like she can't see family or friends if she wants

Did your boyfriend refuse to talk to your parents or eat meals with them when a guest in their house?

thought the perspective of someone his own age might help so here's my (20yo) take on it: honestly my bf acted like that when we first got together (3 years ago, i was 17 and he was 19)
set some ground rules with your daughter, but let teens be teens. (but please go over the safe sex talk again since she will very likely be doing it soon if she hasn't already)

Sounds like he's treating OP's house as a rent-free dosshouse and I'm getting nasty vibes of him starting to isolate her daughter.

At 19 I could get on with my boyfriends family and I always liked them more than my own family. He sounds rude.

Yes, why was eating upstairs even an option?
Your daughter was unbelievably rude and disrespectful so I am not sure why you think it was his fault.

He literally has no clue how to behave. It’s not you, it’s him.

I would tell your daughter how you feel, no need to keep it bottled up.

Hmm, that is rude and he's probably put your daughter in an awkward position as he is the guest.
I don't know, I think you need to tread carefully as your daughter may feel torn between you, but maybe have a gentle word when he leaves?

A very wise post ^

I’m with you op. Trust your instincts. He doesn’t seem polite or very mature.

He is a guest in your home,which you pay for and maintain and you live there, and for which you provide heat, warmth, food etc, and yet he wanders in and cuts you out of the equation, except for the first night, like you don’t exist.

If they wanted a holiday where they were exclusively in one another’s company, then they should have gone back-packing together or something.

Your dd is partly to blame because she should have said something like, “no we usually eat together as a family a couple of nights a week” and “no mum is running us to the station”. It’s a bit concerning that she follows his lead so readily.

If he was well brought up then he would express gratitude for having somewhere to stay, include you in their plans at least a couple of times (and as you say, you had no wish to muscle in all of the time) offer to shop and cook one night, and take you and your dd out one time, even if he could only afford to buy both a cup of coffee.

Of course the difficulty is knowing whether he is just immature and will improve with age or not? Many young men do. Dramatically so in some cases. Or if he is someone who is permanently focused on his own wishes?

And yes he should have turned up with something; even if it’s a packet of his favourite biscuits or a pkt of posh coffee.

Well he doesn't sound like a good'un, does he?

No manners, no job. What a catch.

Wow you’re really filling your boots now on judging this young lad.

He’s a uni student.

No job and no money?!
Is he a young cocklodger in the making?

I think you need to educate your daughter on a few things pronto, before he moves into her house share.

My kids (young adults) have great manners and can be taken anywhere, they are extremely polite.

Nothing miraculous happens to people when they turn 18, social graces and manners have to be learned and built over time, including having exactly those awkward encounters and figuring out how to manage them. And it's not all about one set of peoples feelings (I.e the children). I have expectations of a certain standard of what for most of human civilisation would have been considered perfectly normal behaviour, if people are guests in my home, I expect those to be filled to at least a degree. I wouldn't like anyone to feel dreadfully awkward obviously but neither would I assume that was the default.