Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

I might have misread this, did you say she's been home 3-4 weeks from uni? Have they seen each other at all in that time? Because if they haven't seen each other much, I'm not surprised they didn't want to eat with the family every night. Tbh me and my partner have a great relationship with my parents but in the early days there is no way we would have eaten every dinner with them during visits.

Yep this

I agree completely. She's only 19 now! How old was she when she started inviting boyfriends home and having them stay over?

They’re 19, it won’t last anyway - try not to let it bother you too much !
I’m guessing he’s emotionally immature or has a different kind of parent / child relationship than you are fortunate enough to share with your DD.
In his eyes he’s in love and probably thinking he has little time, and wants to spend every last drop of it with DD, after all he isn’t dating her family. If he was a little more adult in his outlook, he might realise he needs to bend a bit, be a little more sociable with everyone else he is sharing space with and maybe even try to impress them for future SIL points ! But he’s not in that mindset yet, which you probably should be grateful for lol. Also, your daughter may start to see his family morals don’t align with hers, and it will fizzle out. In the meantime, make a few respectful ground rules and let her work it all out for herself, just be there for her and you’ll never lose her - she’s probably already way more like you than you realise !

The bad manners is less important than him keeping her away from her family. The real issue is not manners. The real issue is he is controlling the daughter, isolating her from her family, even in the home, and probably from friends, too. I agree with the poster who says , he’ll be telling her , he loves her so much, he wants her to himself. These guys..and there are women like it , too, …are dangerous. Controlling, domineering, abusive, toxic, often violent.

The daughter won’t listen. We never do. She thinks she’s in love with the man of her dreams as he love bombs her. For now. To tell her that he is a monster behind a mask is a waste of time but her mother needs to try and be about, know where she is, for when it all goes bad. He will try to ensure she is trapped with him.

Hum be careful with this, I had a boyfriend like this around this age and he became VERY controlling, under the guise of ‘loving me so much he wanted me to himself’ rubbish. I’d agree with what others say, set rules at your house as that would have helped me a lot, my parents were very relaxed so I just got carried away basically as a typical person pleaser! It took me about 18 months to realise he was cutting me off from everyone/everything

There IS something substantial to complain about. He ignored you and your husband during dinner while being a guest in your house. He didn't say bye to your son while being a guest in your house. Eating "upstairs" is not a thing in my house and never will be, for him to assume he can eat his food in the bedroom of someone else's house is unacceptable. So yes, there is plenty to talk about with your daughter. Unfortunately you seem to focus on completely the wrong thing and avoid the real issue that your daughter is dating someone who needs to be taught some manners

I think he sounds very rude, clingy and controlling.
He was a guest in your home, ignored you and your son and made it clear he wanted your daughters company only.
He has a shit relationship with his mother and you have noticed that you have less contact with her.
I absolutely would be having a conversation with her about controlling relationships and the boiled frog analogy and how these things can creep up upon you.

An excellent book is Gavin de Beckers The gift of fear, would be worth gifting her

Your gut is telling you something is off. Trust it.

Definitely have a calm conversation where you tell her he seemed very clingy and controlling. You just want her to know that you are available at any time to talk and support her if she ever feels she needs you.
That is all parents can do I think, let them know you ALWAYS have their back.

A few things stand out to me here, the first when you say "other boyfriends have sat down and had dinner with you" then it's "this is the first time you've met this boyfriend and he stayed 4 nights"

I'm sorry but until my daughter (or son) had been with their partner for quite a while and I had met them enough times previously to know that they were OK, they would not be staying overnight however old my kids were!!

You need to read the OP’s posts. She said that when her daughter got together with this guy she stopped contacting her mother who then didn’t hear from her for weeks and she was worried.

I don’t get the sense she doesn’t hear from her regularly? I barely go a couple hours without my daughter texting or calling me 🤣

I’ve read the other posts and you are not being over sensitive. You need to keep watch as it looks as though he is trying to isolate her and that’s a sign of controlling behaviour and a potentially toxic and abusive relationship. His behaviour was rude and the previous boyfriends are more typical of a healthy relationship. Personally, I think she is in trouble and doesn’t know it yet. Trust your gut. It’s there for a reason.

I am also hearing alarm bells - he sounds like my friend’s abusive ex.

As you can’t be sure and it may be a complete over reaction, just keep in touch with her and definitely tell them they should be eating in the kitchen next time. Family meals may be a bit uncomfortable for teens, but they are important as they help you all to get to know each other.

I think from what you’ve said that if it was me in the situation it would have been the lack of wanting to build any kind of relationship with you and your ds especially if he’s hoping his relationship with your dd is going pan out long term.

they don’t need to spend all the time with you but the times they did, it was the ignoring your attempts at conversation and not joining you for even 5 mins before disappearing with coffees. It just appears that he doesn’t want to build any relationship.

For me, that would make me uneasy and have a slight worry moving forward. Although it would be difficult to voice and I’d probs let have to watch and wait as it played out.

Hmmm, my spidey senses are telling me something is off about this. And I'm really mindful of how young he is and that just wanting to be with your daughter 24/7 has to be taken into account.

BUT, most young people will want to ingratiate themselves with their in-laws to some degree and I actually think he was hugely disrespectful to you and your home. It seems to me like he actively didn't want you to spend any time with your daughter and that's a red flag for me. That, coupled with the fact that you have a close relationship and yet didn't hear from her for weeks when she got together with him is worrying. It's ok to be caught up in the first flush of youthful infatuation but this is not what you are describing. It sounds controlling.

Does your daughter understand what a healthy relationship is? And the importance of maintaining familial and friendship ties? That it's not just normal to do so but healthy? I think you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter. Not about his visit necessarily but more about what their dynamic is and whether they isolate themselves to this degree when in Uni. I'd also insist on keeping the lines of communication open. It's imperative that she has you to turn to if things don't go well and I'm make a point of keeping in touch and ensuring that you have phone/facetime conversations when he is not there so she can confide in your if she is at all worried.

I hope she dumps him!

At first I thought you were being clingy and over-emotional but I think eating in her room is really weird and rude. Alright if it's a snack and they're watching something different on TV but every evening meal? Keep communicating with your DD, you don't need to wait for her to contact you. Try to involve both of them in conversations when you're all together.

He’s probably not had a very good example if he has a strained relationship with his own Mother. This personal experience could also be leading him to be wary of you.

He could be controlling and he might not even realise. They met when you weren’t around, so he’s used to a 121 dynamic with her.

I would gently and very kindly point some of this out to your daughter.
Ask her about his mother and then ask her ‘do you think why he wasn’t keen to get to know me very much?’ - This might even prompt her to encourage him to chat to you more!
Tell her that you’d love to know more about him and ask her what she likes/loves about him, that should give you some insight.

Next time ask what his favourite meal is and prepare it for a ‘family meal’

He sounds bloody rude.

I'm not surprised you were upset.

Some ground rules like meals are eaten downstairs are probably a good idea next time.

I think that sounds rude. He’s staying at your house having dinner together is an hour in their day.

I think it’s rude since he was staying with you. I understand if they went out and came home way past dinner time and then made their own, or wanted to go out for dinner as a couple. But for him to insist in holing up in her room for meals and coffees when the family is eating or made those coffees is strange and inappropriate.

If someone was a guest in my home (which he was) I would think it incredibly rude if he took his meals in the bedroom he was staying in. Mind you, when my young adult children are home they don't eat their meals in their bedrooms either, so it wouldn't occur to my daughter to do that if she was visiting with a friend.

I think he was rude, and so was she, and I would be having a serious conversation with her about it.

Listen to your instincts and always set spme ground rules going forward. Also ask dd to drop you a message at least once a week. Speaking from experience child at university got sick and ended up in A and E. So best to always habe some regular contact.

Anyone who eats in my house eats at the dining table, unless they are too ill to get out of bed.

I think comments about him being controlling are probably a bit strong. My daughter is same age and at uni and we have to remember that they are used to their own space and independence. Playing devils advocate it’s hard meeting new partners family and spending time with them? Maybe check in with her about how things are but also recognise that they are wanting to make the most of their time together.

He sounds rude AF tbh.

tell them no food upstairs and no late night cooking. They can do as they please and do all that stuff when they’re away at uni.

they both need to learn some respect for you and your home.