Dd and her bf am I being too sensitive

I did. I've spoke to my MIL about this after reading it and she laughed and said she'd have found it weird if I'd behaved how OP was expecting the boyfriend to behave. I think their behaviour is totally normal and personally if someone's coming to visit someone else in my home I don't expect them to spend any time with me and I let them have their limited time together.

We'll have to agree to disagree then won't we! Like I said opinions are personal. Yours differ from mine. That's perfectly fine. Funnily enough I remember my teens quite well, not bad for someone who's had a brain injury, and sometimes can't remember what I did last week!

No food upstairs, not allowed to cook at midnight, have to eat at rhe table, habe to have a family wide conversation. Can you not remember being young?

Not really. I don't call being polite and considerate, rules. Basic manners really. When I stayed over at my boyfriends house, I always thanked his parents for letting me stay. As for not eating upstairs, that's my personal opinion, doesn't make it right or wrong. Eating at a table, isn't that just manners? Like I said, personal opinion. People can do what they like in their own home. As my son is only 13, I'm not in a position of having to deal with him having a girlfriend stay over! It's all to come!!

goodness you’ve a lot of rules.

I would definitely have some ground rules. Personally, for me, taking food and eating upstairs is a no. My son is only 13, and I won't allow food to be taken upstairs. Meals are eaten at the table. I would ask your daughter if next time, they could eat downstairs, they don't necessarily need to eat at the same time as you, but it should be at the table. I wouldn't have anyone cooking at midnight either! That's plain inconsiderate! It sounds as if perhaps the boyfriend is low on the self-awareness or simply doesn't understand the etiquette when you stay at the 'in-laws'. It's only polite to include everyone in conversations if you're eating together with the family, and you most certainly make sure you say goodbye properly, and say thank you for being allowed to stay. A calm, quiet word with your daughter is required! Don't make a big deal of it, but say there does need to be ground rules!

Then you were just as rude as the boyfriend in this instance. Of course you wanted to see your boyfriend and that was the reason you were there, but you were a guest in his family's home and should have behaved as one.

Just let them get on with it but I have rules no food upstairs. Let them cook together- it’s nice they want to do that. Maybe let them eat alone by going out of the kitchen/diner when they eat or letting on the odd occasion on lap trays in the front room. Or say could you cook me some too ? As you say you normally see her a lot so let them have time together. If you’re not careful she will go to his house more & that would be worse!

He was very rude.

Self excluding, not taking the time to talk to you, not bothering to thank you for your hospitality / say goodbye properly.

Whoever dragged him up has done a poor job. He should be able to manage the bare basics in terms of manners in someone else’s home. Hopefully your DD will see him for what he is before too much longer.

I think that there are two things to think about here: number 1) when a guest leaves your home you should not be crying in your room. That’s a strong physiological sign something is not right. Listen to that. Talk to DD. If he is possessive and controlling she needs to recognise signs and you need to have her back and help her see clearly. Don’t ignore your body. 2) Objectively, 19/20 year olds in love and spending a few days together are likely to be selfish and want to hunker down and be together. They are not thinking of you. They would rather be in their own space. You can react to this compassionately and let them have their time, or you can try to control it by ‘laying the ground rules’ etc etc. The latter is likely to push DD further away. Good luck OP. Sounds a tricky situation.x

I'm pretty sure I was the same at 19 tbh. I went to visit my boyfriend not his family who I felt awkward around. I'm not shy but at that point I wasn't really used to spending time with people so much older than me and after a month or so apart from each other we were only really interested in seeing each other. I also remember feeling awkward about staying in someone's house who I didn't really know and he was my first boyfriend as well. I married my uni boyfriend and me and his mum get on great now, I regularly go and visit her with our kids for a week or so at a time and just leave my husband at home and I'm pretty sire I call her more than he does. So basically I personally wouldn't worry it's probably just a mixture of it their age, new relationship, having g spent time apart etc.

I have just exactly the same experience with my 19 yo dd and her girlfriend! 4 days and I hardly saw either of them! Felt like I didn't really get a chance to get to know her. Other dd has a boyfriend who sits and chats, so it felt a bit off, but I guess everyone is different. Dd's girlfriend lives quite far away and they are a fairly new relationship and won't see each for a while, so I let them off. Young love and all that...

Hmm..

He does sound rude, and potentially controlling.

Whether that is because he is just horribly unsocialised and hasn't been taught how to interact appropriately, be a polite and easy going house guest, and your daughter is being a bit of a people pleaser, or there is something actually malicious in his behaviour, I don't know.

I think I'd have a quiet chat with her about him at some point - gently, and carefully. Probably remind her not to lose herself and her desires/feelings/personality in order to please or appease someone else.

I would certainly counter the 'he felt excluded' comment - he excluded himself from interacting with anyone at every opportunity he had! That was all his own work and she really does need to see that - put the ball back in her court, as her what she thinks you could have done differently - she'll not be able to come up with anything constructive, I bet!

It’s a tricky one. The behaviour doesn’t sound great so I would have a chat to DD about that, it’s kind of rude treating your home like a holiday let rather than a visit with family. She’s an adult now and that’s not ok. I’d be concerned about BFs feelings for DD long term if he’s not interested in getting to know her family. It feels like she wants the kind of commitment that visiting family suggests whereas he just wants a weekend of fun. That’s something for them to work out though!

I'd be upset too, you're not stupid for your feelings! Don't talk yourself out of them!

I think you're reacting to being a close and social family and his refusal to engage. I think his personality chatty/social didn't match his behavior not chatty to you or your son. I would feel this and respond to it as well.

Also first meeting I'd be really grateful to be able to stay, maybe a present and make an effort. He did the opposite and isolated.

I'd worry that if they got serious and moved in together they'd not visit because she's not a family person. Don't get me wrong some people don't have strong attachments to family, and that's ok but what you've got is someone with a different dynamic and I'm the future they might not see you much because she wants her to herself.

That's a catastrophising response but a realistic one to when taken to extreme (and happened to my friend who is so close) it's only after they broken up she realized how much she was isolated by him and how she wanted someone to join in, not separate.
So I get that underlying fear of losing her.

Maybe he was just nervous and he's not done it, and hes not close to his family like that, before but I completely understand your reaction and hopefully it'll improve next time and future times. :)

Our gut instincts are there for a reason OP. I don't like the sound of this fella and you need to keep an eye on him. Tricky though if they're at uni.

I have two DDs (early 20s) and none of their partners have behaved like this. Oh thinking about it, one was a dick, and we banned him from the house. Thankfully DD saw the light eventually, let's hope yours does.

I don't expect to hang out with them all the time, but they need to be polite and gracious. This one is just bloody rude and weird.

When you say you didn't hear from your DD for weeks after she met him. Presumably you messaged/rang her occasionally did you? She just didn't reply much?

Totally agree! And the whole taking good up yo the bedroom to eat it alone together is weird

I really don’t think you’re being over sensitive here OP. I think it’s very rude to make no effort to get to know you, you and your daughter must be fairly close so he should know you are important to her and WANT to ingratiate himself to you. That being said, if it’s his first serious relationship he might just be emotionally immature and not realise he’s being rude, plus no doubt caught up in the excitement of a new girlfriend and indeed wanting her to himself.
I would go easy on yourself, and them on this occasion, but definitely keep an eye on him as this could be a red flag if it continues.

(Also I think it’s fair to insist on a shared meal in the evening, they are in your house after all and it’s reasonable to want to get to know him better!)

You’re upset because you’re her mum and your gut is telling you that this boy’s behaviour is concerning. His sole focus might be on visiting your dd but he is a guest in YOUR home which includes you and your ds. At best he has awful basic manners in every aspect and at worst he is controlling and divisive. Or something inbetween. If you don’t want to say anything this time you can only keep as careful an eye as you can at a distance. If she keeps seeing him and he is going to stay again, that would be the time to tell dd that you and ds weren’t very comfortable with their arrangements last time so this time it needs to be x y and z instead. She who pays the bills makes the rules!

His behaviour does seem a bit odd. As a teen, young twenty something I would never have been bold enough in a partners parents home to say, on numerous occasions, right let's go, let's take the coffee upstairs etc. Seems strange. I'd have a chat with your daughter and just ask how things are going, say you noticed a couple of odd things but you don't want to make an issue of it but does he always do things like that? Is there a reason he was stand offish. To not say thanks or bye properly before he left too is weird. Hopefully it's just that he was a bit shy/awkward being at your home for the first time and hopefully he will warm up to you guys. But I'd keep an eye on it.

I don't think it's that he's purposely pulling her away from you as such, it's just that HE has absolutely no interest in you or her family and isn't polite enough or caring about your daughter enough to pretend he does which is really off putting in a potential partner of your child

I think there is a bit more to it than that. When people haven't been brought up properly they can be resentful at normal family life and try to make their partner pick a side, ie him.

I don't think it's that he's purposely pulling her away from you as such, it's just that HE has absolutely no interest in you or her family and isn't polite enough or caring about your daughter enough to pretend he does which is really off putting in a potential partner of your child. Id feel like if someone really loved my child they'd be keen to make an effort with their family . I suppose in the future this could impact your relationship with her if they live together and he isn't keen on spending time with you all, I would feel really gutted if my child's partner lacked effort with us, and it's not that I want attention from them or want attention from my child even, I'd just hope they'd meet a lovely person who cares about their family and will become part of it because it's part of my child's life and shows care and willing to make them happy.

I think that's the norm, who wants to sit with their girlfriends or boyfriends mum !
I'm going to face it one day and it won't be nice, but I'm going to remember I wrote this and take my own advice 💋
I mean it would take much to sit for Free minutes before leaving

With my daughter's boyfriends, I could always tell who was brought up well and had a reasonable relationship with their own mum and equally I could tell who hadn't.

My heart used to sink with the latter - they were more controlling, insecure, had no real manners and basically thought I should fuck off out of my own house and leave them alone. It definitely affected how often my daughter was in touch.

Most didn't last long but one was around for a couple of years and it did so much damage.

I wish I'd spoken to my daughter about it and that's what I'd advise you to do now. You run the risk of her telling him and making it worse, that's the problem, so you'll have to phrase it carefully, but these will be things she's noticed herself. I think now I would say, "It's nice that you have your boyfriend staying but I think with him - compared to (other boyfriends) - I feel like he wishes I wasn't here. It's not a student flat, you know - this is my home and you're both here receiving my hospitality, but you have to know that it's not nice for me when someone does X, Y, Z in my home. I know BF doesn't get on with his own mum, but make sure his experiences don't damage our relationship. You're everything to me and I would hate to lose you to anyone."

I’d find that quite rude. When DS’s GF comes to stay they have a good balance of time in his room and time with me / dog / his sister. They are happy to come for family meals or just sit and chat. She’s very considerate actually and very polite too and they’d never take their dinner (which i always cook) to their room.