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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's IBS

32 replies

JayJayJay87 · 18/07/2024 19:20

AIBU to be struggling with my husbands IBS?

Burner as dont want to share medical info on my account!

Since a few years into our relationship my husband has suffered with IBS. He has had regular flare ups and periods of 'remission' over the last 10+ years, with multiple drs appointments. We have tried lots of different approaches to managing his IBS. please dont give advice for miracle cures!

He is currently in the middle of a 12 month long flare up which has been particularly bad, and he is really suffering. He is taking medication which has improved things slightly, but the impact on his life has been more significant than ever before.

I need somewhere to vent because I am also finding supporting him really hard, and have noone I can talk to about it without sounding like an awful human! The only person I really want to talk to about it is him, but I dont want him to feel like a burden, or create extra pressure and stress.

Since this recent flare up I have ended up taking on more and more of the stress of running a household with two young children so that he can avoid aggravating symptoms. I do all drop off and pick ups so that he doesn't have to rush to and from work. I take DD1 and DD2 to all their clubs and parties so that he doesnt have to worry about toilet access. I plan and cook food to try and manage symptoms, and plan family day trips around toilets, flexible timings and taking 2 cars so that he can leave at short notice if he needs to.

Its got to the point that, even if he feels up to taking the kids I have to be on standby. He recently had to leave DD1s school play half way through as he was unwell. I couldnt leave work at short notice so she ended up without someone in the audience. The kids are starting to notice that he doesnt come with us on day trips etc and i just find it so upsetting that he's missing so much special time with our family.

I am happy to do these things. I want to be supportive and he is working really hard to feel better too. Im just finding it so relentless, on top of feeling worried about him and hating seeing him in pain. I dont know how much longer we can keep going like this.

So, AIBU to feel down and upset? Do I need to suck it up and count my blessings?

OP posts:
ToxicChristmas · 18/07/2024 19:45

I feel sorry for you both. I really do. Sounds miserable for him and difficult for you.
Like others have said, I think you need a rethink around certain areas to make it work better for you. He can surely take on meal prep and handle some gentle housework?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/07/2024 19:42

Also you mention he can't rush too and from work...couldn't he get up earlier so isn't rushing in the morning? Or request a change of hours or more wfh as reasonable adjustments to his symptoms? What is he doing to try and help himself and minimise the impact on everyone else?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/07/2024 19:40

I understand he might not be able to do stuff out the house in case he needs emergency toilet access etc

But what is stopping him planning meals and doing an online shop for example - why are you doing all the meal planning and cooking to manage symptoms?

Do you feel like he is using this as an excuse in some circumstances or is he trying his absolute best to do what he can when he can?

LostTheMarble · 18/07/2024 19:37

Living with something so disabling must be awful for him. However, is there a reason why all his care management falls to you? Does he not meal prep/cook? Does he ever research and arrange trips specifically for his needs? Is there no breakfast clubs the children can go to so he doesn’t feel rushed getting to work? It reads like you’ve essentially become his carer and a single parent, your wellbeing matters as well.

Maryamlouise · 18/07/2024 19:32

Or even drop a day at work?

Maryamlouise · 18/07/2024 19:31

Sounds really stressful and a lot to be in charge of. Are there any changes you could make to help it be more manageable for you (outsource stuff like cleaning, would meal kits like gusto work for your DH to reduce food planning, drop any DC hobbies, get friends to have the kids for playdates and do something just for you...)?

Sunshineafterthehail · 18/07/2024 19:26

Surely he needs further investigations? My adult dd was told ibs for over 15 years. She actually has Crohn's disease...