Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude to tell someone they look tired?

115 replies

Edasseri · 18/07/2024 16:39

As a casual comment. For example, you meet up with someone, say hi etc and then you tell them they look really tired

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 19/07/2024 02:50

phoenixrosehere · 18/07/2024 19:48

Or, both.

There are ways to say it without being rude even if one is being honest.

Show quote history

Agree

Dweetfidilove · 18/07/2024 20:38

Not something I'm bothered by, but it's usually hard to offend me, so I'm probably biased. Your response was also a good one though 😊.

Tgjjl · 18/07/2024 20:34

Unless you plan to help them with their tiredness, by doing something to make their life easier, then no, it’s rude.

Littleguggi · 18/07/2024 20:33

It's super rude! I usually get told I look tired by my MIL if I don't wear makeup

Summertimer · 18/07/2024 20:31

Never acceptable

EricHebbornInItaly · 18/07/2024 20:30

doyoulikemyyams · 18/07/2024 20:20

I was always taught that if someone can't remedy something in 30 seconds or less, you don't mention it.

So spinach in teeth: fine. T-shirt on inside-out, tell 'em. Toilet paper on shoe, go for it.

Looking 'tired'? Keep your mouth shut.

Snap, you beat me to it, yes this exactly!

EricHebbornInItaly · 18/07/2024 20:29

Yes this is something my mother in law would do, comment on my appearance. My mother taught me it was rude to comment on someone’s appearance unless it was something they could fix in 5 mins, spinach in their teeth etc, whether you think it a compliment or not. Obviously my mil never got the memo.

When I was pregnant people made so many comments about how great it wS I was so skinny, I had hyperemisis and was at deaths door and very worried about the impact of this on the baby. Insane people thought I looked great from literally eating nothing. Now I’m a normal size s/m size 10, I’m sure those people would think I’m enormous now 🙄

doyoulikemyyams · 18/07/2024 20:20

I was always taught that if someone can't remedy something in 30 seconds or less, you don't mention it.

So spinach in teeth: fine. T-shirt on inside-out, tell 'em. Toilet paper on shoe, go for it.

Looking 'tired'? Keep your mouth shut.

LightSpeeds · 18/07/2024 20:12

Yes, I think it's rude.

What is the person going to do with that information - other than feel like a pile of crap about it!?

Xmasbaby11 · 18/07/2024 19:59

It depends on the context. I don’t mind when close friends and family say it as it comes from a place of concern.

betterangels · 18/07/2024 19:57

LookItsMeAgain · 18/07/2024 19:55

IMO, the only person that can get away with saying “Don’t you think she looks tired?” Is David Tennant.

If you know, you know.

Yes. Fair.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/07/2024 19:55

IMO, the only person that can get away with saying “Don’t you think she looks tired?” Is David Tennant.

If you know, you know.

betterangels · 18/07/2024 19:53

LiterallyOnFire · 18/07/2024 17:07

This. You told your FIL he "looked like shit"?! Wow.

Show quote history

Perhaps he'll remember not to be rude now. He's also not her FIL if the boyfriend is just that. Some men think they can get away with saying all kinds of shit. Guess this one fucked around and found out.

Jumpingthruhoops · 18/07/2024 19:50

Well, yes, I would say it's rude. You're basically telling them they look like shit! 🤷‍♀️

Pointynoseowner · 18/07/2024 19:48

Yes

phoenixrosehere · 18/07/2024 19:48

savethatkitty · 18/07/2024 19:23

Yeah. Kind of.

It can be rude or honest depending on who is saying it.

Or, both.

There are ways to say it without being rude even if one is being honest.

TheYoungestSibling · 18/07/2024 19:46

One person says it to me, but only when I've put effort into a nice outfit and a bright lipstick. It's to bring me down a peg.

savethatkitty · 18/07/2024 19:23

Yeah. Kind of.

It can be rude or honest depending on who is saying it.

PerkyMintDeer · 18/07/2024 19:20

Daisy12Maisie · 18/07/2024 18:52

I've said you look tired, do you want to give tonight a miss? Fine with me if you do.
Said to a friend with ME who really struggles so I wanted to make sure she knew I was fine if she needed/ wanted to cancel.
It is annoying when people say it when you are absolutely fine and aren't offering anything helpful. Eg you look tired I'll go to the bar and get our drinks- fine. Just you look tired - not helpful to say that.

I hope you don't mind me saying but, as someone with chronic illness that causes the same sort of bone crushing fatigue as ME, as well meaning as "you look tired, shall we give tonight a miss?" is, it has an impact on my self esteem. I can't hide that I'm ill...even when I'm trying. I'm in support groups and we've all had similar experiences.

"I understand if your energy is low today,
if you need to cancel we can always change to another day" is similar but doesn't have to bring physical appearance into it and helps shitty days feel less shit, if you see what I mean.

You sound like a kind friend, I hope you understand why I've mentioned it. And your friend might not mind as much as some of us do.

CaptainCabinets · 18/07/2024 19:20

Fucking grates on me! I have one colleague in particular who loves to tell me I look tired/ill. I don’t think I do, but it sets me in a sour mood every time!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 18/07/2024 19:18

Someone I used to work with used to say this to me repeatedly I understand it as code for "you look like shit" and it used to really piss me off

Lemonademoney · 18/07/2024 19:18

Yes it’s rude. It’s my MILs go to passive aggressive comment when she’s feeling snippy.

FictionalCharacter · 18/07/2024 19:14

God yes, it’s very rude. A family member send to say this to me constantly in a faux-concerned way. Basically it seems I look tired even when I’m not. It’s just my appearance and I can’t do anything about it, so it’s hurtful for someone to keep rubbing it in. If there was a way to look better, I’d be doing it!

phoenixrosehere · 18/07/2024 19:12

Yes!

MartinsSpareCalculator · 18/07/2024 19:09

Unless you're saying it in a concerned way then of course it's rude.

Swipe left for the next trending thread