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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go into the office everyday?

105 replies

GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 13:27

My H is now off work for 2 months (teacher).

We have DC6 (who will go to summer clubs) and DC3 (no clubs available for their age).

People think I'm barmy for paying for clubs when I have an H at home all summer.

My DC3 and H are at home every day for the next 2 months. H does look after DC, but often PJs all day, he watches loads of telly, often is in garden by himself, they don't DO anything. Maybe H will do one load of washing and then say "I would take DC out but so much to do round house". H spends a lot of time on his phone on the sofa. DC is actually quite self-contained, loves building, colouring, but he's left to own devices or telly watching really.

I work in a shed in the garden but v close to house and can see all this from my window

I find it v frustrating and upsetting to watch sometimes. I've been dreading summer hoidays for weeks.

Is it unreasonable for me to start going to the office full time? I feel bad as I'm abandoning my 3 year old and i worry perhaps if will be even worse if i'm not here - i give him loads of cuddles and play with him on my breaks.

But also it's not working on me or H to have me here - H feels 'watched' and judged, I feel so frustrated that our 3 year old is going to spend nearly 2 months in PJs watching telly.

AIBU just to leave them to it? Or should I stay and help out - not for sake of H of course, but for my DC?

OP posts:
Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 15:29

he says about the sleeping that he is only napping and he has the DC on his chest on his phone so he would wake up if DC got off.

i feel frustrated about the nap as it's dangerous but also H is sleeping a solid 9 hours a night, we have 1 DC in camp, and the other DC is on a phone/watching telly. He does not need to be napping!

I have said this to him and he says i'm being a total nightmare.

@Heronwatcher - but how will H ever learn if I'm always at home checking in?

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 18/07/2024 15:14

Sorry just to say that I agree that sleeping when your 3 yr old is in his care is obviously not just relaxed parenting- I hadn’t read that bit. If that’s something he can’t sort out then I think he should be paying for a childminder every day for a couple of hours if he “needs” a nap. But again I don’t think you going into the office would help.

As others have said what does he say when you point out how dangerous it is? Next time he does it could you disappear off with your DC for a couple of hours so he gets a real fright?

Heronwatcher · 18/07/2024 15:08

Sorry I do think you are being U- you are basically employing the “out of sight out of mind” approach to the welfare of your kids! At least if you’re there if things really do go tits up you’ll be on hand if you’re at home. Would you not be worried about what’s going on at home even if you can’t see it?

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with spending the day at home either if the child and your DH are both happy- would you say this is the case or not? Again DC being in PJs over the summer holidays is not necessarily an issue if they change them before bed. I don’t like this sitting on the phone all the time but I am a bit guilty of it at home, but not when we’re out and about. I can’t really work out whether your DH is utterly useless or just has much more relaxed ideas on childcare.

Overall though is it not possible for you to work out a plan- maybe he does a few activities during the day and tries to sort his phone use out (could he put it in a drawer between 10 and 12) and you try to finish early and take them out somewhere?

AdoraBell · 18/07/2024 14:56

Go to the office and leave your H be an actual parent

roundspongecake · 18/07/2024 14:56

VestPantsandSocks · 18/07/2024 14:07

I would point out to him that it is ironic that he is a teacher but can't make the effort to parent his own child.

Edited

This. I would class it as borderline abusive to just sit on your phone when there's a child there wanting to play

LolaJ87 · 18/07/2024 14:53

@GiveMeAFriggingBreak No you tell him to go to a doctor if he can't stay awake to care for a toddler who needs full supervision. You sit down and have a serious chat together about your parenting goals and standards, about how this is making you feel about him. You ask why he can't get his head out of his phone, and why he can work a full day with other people's children but can't seem to devote the same to his own? You can tell him how hurtful that is, how you feel solely responsible for your children despite him being the one off work. You have frank, open and honest conversations and you tell him what needs to change. You tell him instead of Mumsnet.

Do you still love him? Can this be salvaged do you think?

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:50

"Remaining in the house just in case your DH fancies a nap is enabling him to continue to behave this way"

Is pretty much what is going on I guess. I just don't know what to do about it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:40

@DinnaeFashYersel I get all of that. Of course you're right. What do you mean you wouldn't put up with it? You'd leave him? So he can ignore and sleep while looking after his kids 50% of their lives instead of only during the summer?

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 18/07/2024 14:34

GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:29

How can I go to the office if he's sleeping during the day??? with a three year old (only just turned 3!)

You wake him up and tell him your going out and then you go.

Do you seriously think he will sleep when you are out of the house? Is he really that neglectful? Cause you need to rethink this relationship if he isn't actually capable of safe parenting.

Remaining in the house just in case your DH fancies a nap is enabling him to continue to behave this way.

(All of his behaviour sounds completely shit btw - I personally wouldn't put up with any of it)

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:29

How can I go to the office if he's sleeping during the day??? with a three year old (only just turned 3!)

OP posts:
Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:29

ActualChips · 18/07/2024 14:26

Are you happy to stay married to a deadbeat? Find him and his behaviour attractive? Life enhancing?

What room you work in sounds like the least of your problems.

No, I'm not.

But splitting turns a summer-time problem into a year-round problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:28

I just went into make a cup of tea. H is fast asleep on the sofa. DC is lying on his chest watching his phone. H has slept in the afternoon every day this week. WTAF. He isn't doing anything. I say this to him and he says "i'm looking after DC" but he isn't doing that!! the house is a mess. honestly. it's so frustrating.

OP posts:
ActualChips · 18/07/2024 14:26

Are you happy to stay married to a deadbeat? Find him and his behaviour attractive? Life enhancing?

What room you work in sounds like the least of your problems.

Davros · 18/07/2024 14:24

Why don't you try it?
He does need a kick up the arse though

DinnaeFashYersel · 18/07/2024 14:21

First three replies on the thread nailed it.

Yousaidwhatagain · 18/07/2024 14:19

I would feel even worse going into the office knowing that poor ds is left alone like this. Can you book a few things for your ds so that he knows he has to take him to them. How is he a teacher when he can't organise his personal life.

TokyoSushi · 18/07/2024 14:15

Can you compromise and go to the office maybe 3 days per week?

DH needs to shape up though!

LolaJ87 · 18/07/2024 14:14

I don't think going into the office is the answer, your DH needs a massive kick up the arse. It's also not good for a 3 year old to see someone glued to their phone all day (and I say this as someone who has to make an effort to use mine less). 3 year olds love "helping" with chores, there's absolutely no reason why they couldn't get some stuff done in the morning and then head out after lunch or the other way around. Your husband doesn't seem to function well with such an unstructured break from work!

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:10

@greenwoodentablelegs being in the office would save my sanity for sure. i would love to get up early and just be out the door first thing. better for my brain, better for my career.

But i feel guilty about DC

OP posts:
greenwoodentablelegs · 18/07/2024 14:08

Yeah office, I would, it will save your sanity.

your DH sounds a massive arse

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 14:08

@Cinocino I have talked to him. He gets pretty irritated, i can't see it changing a huge deal. He does intend to do things, like go to park or take DS swimming - but the day disappears v quickly if you're absorbed by your phone. and then older DC needs to be picked up from school or summer club, at 3pm, then i will try to stop work by 4.30 and do more when the kids are in bed. He also uses the whole 'stuff to do round the house'. he basically thinks its impossible to take kids out and put a wash on. he's a one thing a day kinda guy.

OP posts:
VestPantsandSocks · 18/07/2024 14:07

I would point out to him that it is ironic that he is a teacher but can't make the effort to parent his own child.

Yousaidwhatagain · 18/07/2024 14:07

I would be upset at this. No need for a full on activity schedule but a walk to the park, library, kids events around the area? Also setting up stuff at home or even playing with him in the garden all perfectly fine for that age. He's being utterly pathetic ignoring the poor child the entire day.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 18/07/2024 14:05

Cinocino · 18/07/2024 13:57

Or maybe you could tell your husband it’s not okay to be a shit lazy parent? He doesn’t get to just make no effort when it’s to the detriment of your child.

I agree.

He's being completely useless, and then has the nerve to get annoyed because he "feels judged". He should be judged.

I'm not someone who thinks children need to be out all day every day with umpteen various activities. But a 6 week summer holiday of doing nothing at all except being ignored at home is not on.

DisgruntledPelican · 18/07/2024 14:02

Not unreasonable. I did this so I didn’t have to watch or listen DH be rubbish on the days he was off work looking after DS.