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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go into the office everyday?

105 replies

GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 13:27

My H is now off work for 2 months (teacher).

We have DC6 (who will go to summer clubs) and DC3 (no clubs available for their age).

People think I'm barmy for paying for clubs when I have an H at home all summer.

My DC3 and H are at home every day for the next 2 months. H does look after DC, but often PJs all day, he watches loads of telly, often is in garden by himself, they don't DO anything. Maybe H will do one load of washing and then say "I would take DC out but so much to do round house". H spends a lot of time on his phone on the sofa. DC is actually quite self-contained, loves building, colouring, but he's left to own devices or telly watching really.

I work in a shed in the garden but v close to house and can see all this from my window

I find it v frustrating and upsetting to watch sometimes. I've been dreading summer hoidays for weeks.

Is it unreasonable for me to start going to the office full time? I feel bad as I'm abandoning my 3 year old and i worry perhaps if will be even worse if i'm not here - i give him loads of cuddles and play with him on my breaks.

But also it's not working on me or H to have me here - H feels 'watched' and judged, I feel so frustrated that our 3 year old is going to spend nearly 2 months in PJs watching telly.

AIBU just to leave them to it? Or should I stay and help out - not for sake of H of course, but for my DC?

OP posts:
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LemongrassLollipop · 26/10/2024 10:48

It's hard isn't it but you have to do what you think is best even if it's staying with him for now. As your kids grow, things change so hopefully they change for the better for you.

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 26/10/2024 09:10

Thanks @LemongrassLollipop @Tiddlywinkly for checking in

Still unhappy. H hasn't been falling asleep on the sofa as much though. He'd taking the kids to his parents again this half term. They are old and chronically unwell and he just turns up to their house without warning and they don't say anything but I know they find it exhausting. I just think he's v thoughtless.

I'm not going to change him though. So this is it for us. I'm so scared for the DC if we split so it doesn't feel like option

OP posts:
Tiddlywinkly · 26/10/2024 07:13

Yes, I was wondering how it's panned out. I feel for you op.

LemongrassLollipop · 26/10/2024 06:47

I know this is an old thread but @GiveMeAFriggingBreak how did your summer pan out and what happened when schools started again?

It's half term here next week .... How will you manage or do you have time off?

Plmnki · 02/08/2024 13:33

Ffs, he is a lazy, entitled disgrace.

  1. go into the office
  2. as you leave, change the password on the router at home, he won’t be able to use the internet and hopefully he’ll run out of mobile data, then he’ll have to DO something around the house
  3. leave a list of things that need to be done before you get home to that end
  4. If he doesn’t agree to marriage counselling and a massive change of behaviour, you’ll need to start considering an exit plan. He’s basically a cocklodger.

good luck, this is horrible for you but he’s a waste of oxygen right now and if he doesn’t change, well, then it’s up to you to change things for yourself and children.

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 02/08/2024 13:10

@DisgruntledPelican yes! Same here!

If I take the kids away he is like "oh I hate it here without you" messaging me "how are the kids. I miss them". He's going on a lads holiday later this month and is saying "I'm not looking forward to it, I don't know why I'm going, I just want to be at home"

What??? When's he's at home he just naps and stares at the wall!!

I feel it's manipulative. It's also why I know he would want 5050.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's exhausting. I don't think it's good for me to live like this though. I just can't see a way out!

OP posts:
Icannoteven · 02/08/2024 13:02

Yanbu to go to the office if your other half is at home.

His parenting sounds absolutely fine though. There really is something to be said for low demand parenting and for letting children entertain themselves! Well done on having a 3 year old who is able to occupy themselves. They will go far!

DisgruntledPelican · 02/08/2024 13:02

Oh @GiveMeAFriggingBreak i really feel for you. I am in a similar situation and it‘s that relief feeling mixed with guilt.

whenever I go away to my parents or friends with the kids, all H does is sadface about how much he misses us. But it doesn’t inspire him to behave differently when we are actually there. I said in the past he wants a team of live-in nannies so that he can “parent” when he wants to show effort, then hand over as soon as he wants to do his own thing or have another fucking nap.

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 02/08/2024 12:52

H has taken the kids to PIL place for a couple of days. I needed to work so have stayed at home. It is bloody glorious. I miss the kids but good god it's easier without H. If I knew the kids wouldn't suffer, I would love to split so much. I have to join them today and I don't want to go!

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 31/07/2024 09:30

He really needs to shape up or ship out.
You and your children deserve better.

LolaJ87 · 31/07/2024 09:29

This makes me sad for you and for your children @GiveMeAFriggingBreak.

It doesn't sound like anything is going to change unless you make a change. Carrying on with that feeling constantly in the pit of your stomach is no way to live.

berksandbeyond · 30/07/2024 09:02

and this man is a teacher? He sounds absolutely useless

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 30/07/2024 09:00

Hello @ByUmberCrow - thanks for checking in.

I haven't really made any headway. H has made an effort a couple of times but is very passive and they keep staying indoors all day. DS holiday club starts in 2 minutes and they are all still in pyjamas.

In the mornings, he keeps doing this thing when when the kids come in at 7.30am (perfectly reasonable time) - he lies awake but with his eyes closed for about 20 minutes heavy breathing - it gives me such rage.

I have this knotty horrible feeling in my stomach the whole time. I was dreading the summer holiday and I was right to do so! I woke up many times last night with this sick feeling in my stomach, and it won't go away.

OP posts:
ByUmberCrow · 26/07/2024 00:17

How’s it going, OP? Made any headway?

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 19/07/2024 09:00

@neverbeenskiing yes that's my fear. He's not honest or self aware enough. He will go for 5050 because that is his right and he loves his kids. That will be his thinking. Doesn't matter in reality he just gives them YouTube and ignores them

@ThePoetsWife of course!

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 19/07/2024 08:19

Without this lazy man child, it sounds like you will have less laundry, cooking, tidying and clearing up to do.

And stop having more DC with him.

neverbeenskiing · 19/07/2024 08:12

outdamnedspots · 18/07/2024 22:30

Never ever going to go for 50-50 OP. He can't be arsed. He's too lazy.

I work with children and families and I have come across SO many Dad's who had absolutely no interest whatsoever in parenting their DC, until their wives left and then all of a sudden they were willing to fight tooth and nail for 50:50. Not because they desperately wanted to be with the kids, but because it was their 'right' and they didn't want to give their ex the satisfaction of 'winning'. Sad but happens all the time.

neverbeenskiing · 19/07/2024 08:07

bluegreygreen · 18/07/2024 16:18

Alternative viewpoint: we have spent weeks hearing from teachers here how exhausted they are and just about hanging on to the end of term.

Does your husband just need a week or two of down time to recover?

(Of course, if he is always like this...)

Edited

I work in a school and can confirm I am currently exhausted. But I will be making every effort to do things with my own DC over the holidays, and I want to. Same with every Teacher Mum I know.

We could probably all do with a couple of weeks to chill, but so could every parent of small children regardless of what they do for work. That's not life though. He needs to get on with it.

Isthisreasonable · 19/07/2024 08:00

It might be worth trying a mother's help for a short period. If only because he might suddenly start being more energetic to impress the mother's help...

Isthisreasonable · 19/07/2024 07:57

GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 18/07/2024 21:08

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing no, paid for by me, organised by me.

The older one is hyper! The days ends in tears if he doesn't go out or have structure. Its best for the older one to be in clubs 3 or 4 days a week throughout the summer. H agrees.

I'd put the 3 year old in too but there are no clubs round here for nursery aged children. I could possibly find a childminder but that really would feel like madness, paying for our child to be in someone else's house.

I find term time so much easier. I'm going to give it a few more days next week and then have a proper talk.

DS3 is so easy! Builds stuff, waters the plants, always smiling. And H acts likes he bloody exhausted. Especially frustrating when he's getting full night sleep and I'm often woken by kids or sometimes work late.

@helpout I'm 36. H is 42.

I was in my late 40s, working FT and a single parent when my dc was a toddler. Your DH has no excuse at only 42. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself. It would kill any attraction to him if I was in your shoes. He is contributing very little to any of your lives.

Original poster
GiveMeAFriggingBreak · 19/07/2024 07:35

@Setyoufree honestly, not much. He's deluded or defensive or something. This morning the kids got up at 7am, and I'd just started my period so was in the bathroom and asked H to get up with them (he was lying in bed pretending not to hear them) and he said "I always get up with them"

Which is crazy. I don't think he's got up first with the kids for 2 months! And the last time it will be because I asked him to.

It's like he has no self awareness! I actually think he thinks he's pulling his weight

Last time I tried to talk to him about it all, he said he was "angry and hurt" at what I was saying and that I was talking "absolute shit".

Ahhhhh

It's a predicament though. It really is. As splitting may make everything worse for me and DC.

OP posts:
Setyoufree · 19/07/2024 07:26

I'm no expert but there's no way he'd go for 50:50 because that sounds like effort. He wouldn't want all holidays because again, effort. Disney weekend dad at best.

I feel your predicament OP it's awful.

What does DH bring to your relationship for you? Doesn't sound like he pulls his weight generally either? Are there any redeeming features??

RedHelenB · 19/07/2024 07:15

Where does 3 year old go when dh works. I'd send him there if dh isn't caring fir him as well. I can see both pov.

ThePoshUns · 19/07/2024 07:00

Accidentally take his phone to the office with you

FrangipaniBlue · 18/07/2024 23:05

HiGunny · 18/07/2024 22:43

Maybe you should hide DH's phone?

Better still, DS3 accidentally breaks it when he isn't being supervised properly.....