What on earth is my mother doing??

Just a thought OP, ignore if inappropriate but, could you run with that "I'm the parent, she's the child" narrative and take it to it's logical conclusion of "OK well you're not a child anymore so off you go on your own now" and use that to 'release' from her? As I say, just a thought.

The referenced post was deleted.

This. Absolutely. I know of a similar circumstance where someone made a choice which meant they severed a relationship with their child for their own hapoiness. They send messages like this. I believe its so that they can turn around to people and say ‘but I TRIED to make things right, I really did’.
It is the ultimate in selfishness. She wants YOU to make HER feel better for her shitty choices.
Thats not love. Thats victim mentality.

Absolutely. Focus on your children and let both of them be.

OP, I keep coming back to this thread. You say that you are trying to understand your mother. But you never will. You are a totally different person and trying to examine your mother through the lens of your own thoughts, values, behaviour will not result in anything useful. Frankly, I'm amazed and admiring that you are as articulate and caring as you clearly are, given that you grew up with. You deserve a bright future.

I’m so sorry for what you have experienced. Something you said really chimed with me - about your inner little girl looking to your mother still for the parenting she so desperately wanted. I really resonate with that and I wanted to just share with you something that helped me a lot.

I realised that I was looking for a parent and mother that never existed and also never COULD exist. Because while we all carry our younger selves, we can never return to the time when we needed that parenting. Even if now suddenly a miracle happened and the absent or abusive parent changed that younger self really would not get the benefit of it.

But what I realised was I did have a parent, just like you did and do and that was me. And that like you id taken great pains to ensure the cycle was broken and mothered my child in all the ways I never was. But I also realised as I was doing it I was parenting myself, and that the inner little girl in me just needed to trust ME to keep her safe. And part of that was not allowing her to be triggered each day. And to give her a rest, just keep her safe and away from the abuse. She also needed telling, kindly, that the mother she wanted so much was not there for her and never would be but I was there and i’d never leave her.

And so I did all that and I have had a few years distance now, mostly NC, occasionally LC when boundaries are pushed. And i’ve healed so much and trust myself so much, and more importantly the inner little girl in me trusts me too, cause she knows I got her back. That’s been incredibly healing.

I think your mum loves you but her desire to please him is greater which is often the case with abuse. Your mum cannot give you more and it’s terribly hurtful. Yes she is a victim but then by default so are you still.
I think you have 2 choices. Either accept this is all she can/will give or go no contact to protect yourself so sorry OP.

Who made you the playground supervisor ?

Given the awful situation the OP has endured her entire life, I think 3 swear words in 8 lines is extremely reticent.

Swear away @JMSA and anyone else for that matter

I think your Mum’s messages are from a place of extreme guilt and regret

I dont agree with this at all. I think OP's mother is a fcking monster. She doesnt feel guilt or regret. She acted jealous when OP was sexually abused. There is no regret there at all, let alone guilt. Guilt implies there is a conscience there in the first place.

This is much darker and more sinister than her feeling guilty and regretful. This is deliberately abusive on her part (in addition to your father's abuse).

sorry after reading this i dont know why you want any relationship with her

she chose you to receive abuse and for some reason you an forgive her but not your brother?

This 👏🏻

She might well be. I was saying the father was one.

@Ilikeadrink14 If you feel for the OP's family you are the one who should be ashamed.
Get a grip.

I wonder if this comes down to money. The OP’s mother is happy to ‘manage’ her beastly husband in exchange for a new car, patio etc. She won’t risk the relationship because she fears having to split the family monies and start over on a diminished budget? OP you don’t owe her anything. She knows where you live if she needs you and you have siblings etc. I would cut contact with her, explaining why and try to move on

I think your Mum’s messages are from a place of extreme guilt and regret. She knows that your relationship is probably damaged beyond repair due to her staying with your father, a position from which she can’t/won’t extricate herself. She is probably desperately sad and unhappy, but torn between justifying the situation to herself - I was being a loyal wife/didn’t want to break up the family/it wasn’t that bad, was it?/can’t we forgive and forget/all families have problems etc. etc.- and the dreadful realisation of what she and your father have actually done to you, because she was probably too scared to upset the status quo and leave. The ott declarations of love are to try and compensate for her inability to demonstrate it to you irl, for whatever reason…

Far too easy for people to excuse women in this scenario that they are without a shred of responsibility for their children as they allowed them to be abused.
How come some women leave with the clothes on their backs to save their children and others carry on cooking dinner and ignore the screams?

OP, both of your parents abused you and as you age, you will realise this and accept it.

If your father goes first you can expect her to expect you to fall into line.
She knew EXACTLY what she was doing.
She was an utterly shit mother, you owe her nothing.
Block her and focus your energy on continuing to be the good mother you are.
You are going to be happily surprised at the relief you feel when they are both dead.
They are not and never were, good people.
They were both abusers of you.
You deserve some peace.
Take it now and block her self serving texts that make a mockery of genuinely loving motherhood.

@Ilikeadrink14 ODFOD

You are still looking to your mother for something that wasn't, isn't and never will be there.

For me personally, that's the worst part of it. I keep returning to a well that has never had water in it. It's an instinctive thing to do, to look to your parents for support, and beyond difficult to accept that you will never ever get it.

If it was anyone else in our life acting like they do, we'd cut them off without hesitation. I went full no contact with my father 35 years ago. I doubt there is a day since when I've not thought about it. Sometimes those thoughts are very painful, but then I remember what happened and I know that I've done the right thing. I'm not even certain now that my father is still alive, and I can quite honestly say that it makes no difference either way. He is a complete stranger to me now.

I've given up trying. I either got told that I was extremely difficult and therefore it was all my fault, or I got the whole crying and 'how can you say those things to me' emotional response designed to shut me down.

The only thing you can do is have a really superficial relationship with them. I have in the past beaten myself up wondering why I can't have a good relationship with my mum when in all other aspects of my life, relationships come easily to me. I have loads of friends and although my marriage didn't work out long term, we're still friends. But the thing is, it's not me - it's her. She doesn't want any more than a superficial relationship with me. I can't make her be the mum I want, so there it is.

I am stunned to tears that your childhood was so full of dread & hurt.
Your Mother has played the professional victim. Yes she was abused too, but whatever happened it was better that you took the brunt of it than her.
She allowed sexual abuse, because better you than her.
Fawning to her husband.
I expect he has used the lessons of a lifetime of abuse techniques to hurt her in some way if she sees you or contacts you other than by his rules, Like a vampire, he wants his supply of control & gets off on it.
She is still Fawning to him. You have offered her an alternative, she has refused.

This is all so so wrong.

You must not allow her to hurt you further. I would send a last message & block her on every platform. (She can write a letter in extremis, she know where you live.) I would say something on the lines of:
"I refute any declaration of Love from you, you have only loved yourself, you let me suffer for X years in multiple ways.
I will never set foot in that house again, I will never speak to my abuser again & I am blocking you now.
I'm done."

I love my children, and I would never treat them the way your dad or mum has treated you. She didn't protect you then and she's not protecting you now. It's sickening. The text is merely to appease her own inadequate guilt.

Because there is nothing there. She gives you just enough to keep hanging on because she knows if she was her true self with you 24/7, you'd go no contact and then she'd lose control of you. So her actions are vile but she throws out some syrupy words now and then to keep you hoping and clinging to the belief she might change. Unfortunately, that is the real her and its the fake niceness that is the mask, not the other way around.

It is baffling because most of us (thankfully) arent like that so it seems unfathomable and baffling to us. You are looking at being a parent through a completely different lens to her so you will never fully understand why she does it. You are looking at one view and she is looking at something entirely different which is why you cannot understand it.

@AnonymousBleep I agree totally with your post.

I've have tried on so many occasions over the last 30 years to tell my mother how badly I was/have been affected by my childhood. She will just not listen to or accept any of it. Even if I really push, all I will get is a rant blaming my father for it all, or she will turn around and be personally abusive.

My older brother told his wife that he has no happy childhood memories...unfortunately my sister in law (not realising my mother is a narc) then told my mother that. My mother became extremely angry, and made cracks of the 'oh yes we had him walking 10 miles a day to work down the mines' type. She now loathes my sister in law.

My mother has rewritten the past in a way that Stalin would have been proud of.

Yep. You can't argue with that, it's pointless even trying. If you're having a hard time yourself, she'll just ignore you (as mine did when I separated from my husband - not one single visit) or minimise it so it can't be as bad as anything she's been through ('but you're such a coper.' 'But your husband wasn't anywhere near as difficult as mine, you're so lucky.' 'But you're much better off than me and don't need help' etc etc).

Low contact really is the only way forward if you can't break off completely (and I can't either - for much the same reasons as you, because I don't want to cause WW3 within the family, which the narcissistic members would actively enjoy but I'd hate!).