What on earth is my mother doing??

I read once that no matter how much damage our parents have done towards us, we will always forgive them and seek their love.

OP I have no real advice, just want to reach out and hug you. I have a similar situation to yours, though less extreme. I’m so so sorry for what you’ve been through. And I’m even more sorry for you having to discover who your mother truly is. I know I wasn’t ok for a long long time after I worked that out.

Take it from someone who can resonate with so much of what you are experiencing, you’ve done a bloody amazing job choosing to protect your children. I know it really hurts that the cost of this is your relationship with your mum, but look forwards now not back, and keep choosing to make your dds lives safe and loving in a way you never had, and in doing so you will hopefully heal some of your wounds too.

And- she was never going to be the Mum I wanted. She just didn't have the capacity.
I had to stop going back because it was always the same outcome- pain.

What a powerful statement. I'm so sorry this happened to you but glad that you realised how a relationship like this can't be sustained without causing huge damage @FofB

@Hummingbird75 Please read the above and I hope it resonates with you. It's not something you can rush but the fact that you have posted here signifies that you don't want things to stay as they are and cause this ongoing distress.

I suggest you get some therapy to properly explore what happened to you in your family. What you are dealing with is huge.

You might also want to read up on narcissistic parents as I think this will resonate with you. Often one parent is narcissistic but the partner goes along with it for their own reasons.

My mother was the culprit but my dad did nothing and seems to believe that she was the perfect mum. Hm. My brother and I just say nothing but really?!! She would sulk for weeks on end and not speak to any of us and we mostly had no idea why.

It's hard having tricky parents. Sending you hugs.

OP, I am no contact with my Mother. I had a genuine moment of clarity when I was mid-20's.

I realised: I could not shed another tear for this woman as it was only hurting me, not her
And- she was never going to be the Mum I wanted. She just didn't have the capacity.

I had to stop going back because it was always the same outcome- pain.

I needed to live my life without her. I 'grieved' for about 6 months- and then that was it. I don't think about her from one end of the week to the other.

I wish you the best OP, it's a hard decision, and only one you can make.

I really hope OP you find some peace. My mother was horribly abused by her mother and stepfather. When we were little she tried to have a relationship with her mother, but her mother wouldn't agree to not allowing our step father to see us. My mother took the decision like you to protect her children and go completely nc and I am immensely proud of her that she did this as will your children be of you.

This.
You have been very brave in facing up to the abuse from both parents well done . Cutting the apron strings will in the end be liberating as you will no longer be in the grip of this abuse and can start value yourself more. You do not need this birth family you have built another life for yourself. Do go back to therapy and start to live your abuse free life.

I too was determined it would stop with me, and I cut off contact. But I do get why OP is finding it hard. It's beyond rational.
I cannot tidy up or throw out, and one day it came to me why: as long as the piles of books stay there, my good mother may be hidden behind them, and after all these years I may yet find her. And now I'm crying...

I would go no contact with my mother if she was like this. The fact she never protected you or your children says it all. She doesn’t deserve you

I'm so sorry OP. Your mother has enabled your abuser. In fact, she has chosen your abuser over you. No mother should ever do that. She is equally as awful as your father, just in a different way. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

To answer your question, why is she doing what she's doing? In my humble opinion, it's self serving, insincere. She's trying to keep you on her "side". She's trying to save face. I think I'd be NC with both of them if I were in your shoes.

Could your mum be trying to manipulate you to get you to change your mind, and for her to have her ‘happy family’? Broadcasting the msg to you and messing with your emotions, rather than engaging in two way communication (she ignores your requests/doesn’t call). Sounds like emotional blackmail, poss encouraged by/learned through the dysfunctional relationship (and communication style too?) she has with your father.

I can’t advise anything. I’m so sorry you are going through this, and clearly have been for many, many years.

I have only massive respect for you - you’ve protected your children. You have (mostly) protected yourself.
Flowers too 💐 but mostly respect xx

I am so sorry you had two shit parents. It’s not your fault.
My mum used to say ‘I’ve stopped the rot’. She had her issues from her own terrible childhood and did her best. Died young from alcohol abuse but at least she tried.
You sound lovely OP. Your own children are just luckier than you were. You should be proud and you owe your parents nothing.

This is becoming more obvious to me as I type. I have been sacrificed, this was her choice and continues to be her choice and he can do anything he likes to any of us, and she will never stop him.

This made me so sad to read. Sending you lots of love @Hummingbird75 . You never deserved any of this and I hope and pray for peace for you.

Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine. As an adult any contact I had with my parents was upsetting and draining. When I had children I realized I didn’t have the energy for them. I have no contact with my father but I send the odd text to my mother with photographs of the children and little else.
My advice to you is this, you have one job to do, bring up your own children. Your parents are damaged and not your responsibility. Do whatever you need to do to minimize their toxicity in your life. Most importantly, feel no guilt. You won’t change your parents, they likely have no insight into their own behaviour and none of their corrosive actions are your fault or your responsibility. Look after yourself and take whatever action best suits you.

She’s enabled him with her ignorance.

Do everyone a favour and walk away, the best you can do in this situation is learn from their mistakes and be a better parent than you experienced. Please don’t allow your children to become victims for the sake of you wanting a relationship with them.

I grew up in a similar situation but it was a step- father, not my own father, and I was repeatedly sexually abused rather than physically (although that is still physical), as well as verbally and mentally.
I've tried speaking to my mother through the years, but she would hear none of it from me, and supported him all along.
I stayed in the family home longer than I should have because I have a younger sister and was terrified he would turn his attentions onto her if I left, but I did eventually go, felt terrible for doing so and leaving her behind, although I did stay in contact with her and regularly asked how things were with him now I'd gone. She said he was verbally abusive towards her, but it always came with a knock at me, telling her she was 'as bad as your sister'.
That was 35-40yrs ago. My mother still won't have anything said against him, so I blocked her from my life about 10yrs ago.
She wrote to me about 4 yrs ago, saying he'd died, with dementia and cancer (they couldn't have happened to a more deserving monster!), but I was still wary of seeing her. I did see her, and she told me her tale of woe about how hard it had been on her caring for him through his illnesses, and all I could think was that it was some small amount of payback for her total lack of compassion towards me.
I reinstated my block on her, then heard on the grapevine she'd remarried, and that this new man wanted us to build bridges, although she still vehemently denied what had halogens to me as a teenager.
I have absolutely no contact with her now.
It's only been very recently that my sister had asked for details of my 'allegations', and she listened to what I had to say and asked questions, although she wasn't able to say whether she believed what is said or not. At least she asked and listened to my experiences.
My sister regularly says that our mother wants contact, but she (sister) also thinks I'm waiting for an apology from her (mother). I know I'll never get an apology because she doesn't think she or her husband ever did anything wrong. In my head, as previous posters have said, by doing nothing, she enabled him to do (and get away with) what he did. So, until she's prepared to acknowledge what I was subjected to, I'm prepared for us both to go to our graves without ever speaking again.
I do, occasionally, wonder what it would be like to have a normal relationship with my mother, similar to the lovely one I have with my son, but I know the difference, I love my child, she's clearly never loved me, so I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm better off without her.

@Hummingbird75 i am so sorry for all you have experienced from your parents. Your father’s behaviour is disgusting, which
I am sure you know. Your mother isn’t much better. He stopped physically abusing her when he transferred that to you? She did nothing to stop that? She didn’t leave him? was she just relieved to throw you to the wolves and save herself? What kind of mother uses her child as a scapegoat and bunching bag for her husband’s rage and sadistic behaviour?

Take a minute to think of how you have reacted to his abuse. You protected your children and removed him from their lives. You should be applauded for ending this cycle of abuse. You are a far better mother than your own.

Please look up Rebecca C Mandeville, Jay Reid and Heidi Priebe. All have fantastic You Tube channels on Scapegoating abuse in family systems.

My advice would be to focus on your own family and have no contact with your parents. Block your mother on your phone so she can’t send these very gas lighting messages. It’s confusing to receive these gushing expressions of love while her actions show the opposite. You have told her to stop and she doesn’t respect your boundaries so make them firmer.

Your gut reaction is telling you something. You need to listen. I also think your illness is a result of this abuse from both your parents. You should do some research on this.

You are a very strong person to protect your children the way you have. You are also clearly empathetic and kind. It’s time to use the qualities for yourself and to take care of you. No one has the right to abuse you, whatever their title may be.

This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on here. I want to give you the biggest hug @Hummingbird75. You have been so open and eloquent despite how painful it is for you to talk about all of this.

I know you don't want to ruminate too much on the past but given the extensive trauma you have experienced, I really would urge you to explore therapy as I think it would be a huge benefit to you. It won't be easy necessarily but with a good therapist you should be able to find a place of peace.

I think you have come to the realisation yourself that it's not just your father who is the abuser, your Mum is too. And I realise how painful a proposition it is to look back at your life with your mother with a different lens but she has all the traits of a narcissist and being parented by a narcissist is just as damaging as being beaten to a pulp, often moreso.

You need to cut ties with your mother but attending therapy to prepare you for this is imperative. Or you may not wish to but rather use it to come to terms with not having the mother/daughter bond that you had thought you may have.

For now, I would take control of the situation by blocking her number. She is triggering you and re-traumatising you by not just ignoring your express wishes, but actively going against them with verbose and meaningless slush. Actions speak louder than words and given your mother's track record I imagine the texts are a mechanism she can use to protest her innocence in her shoddy treatment of you, i.e. but I'm a great Mum, I text her every day to tell her how much I love her.

For your own peace of mind, block her, find a good therapist and then when you've talked it out and really got to the root of everything, you will feel stronger and be able to make a decision on how you wish to go forward in your relationship with her, which may not be any at all. People pleasing and the wish to 'do the right thing' by others while ignoring one's own needs is common in people with complex backgrounds so you'll be able to thrash this out too. Therapy will will help you make the decision that is right for you and your own wellbeing.

Sending you so much love and healing xx

In effect you never had a mother. Not a proper one as she was complicit in your abuse. Let yourself grieve that, it’s incredibly hard to come to terms with. Grieve that and that your children missed out on grandparents. It’s very sad. You did nothing wrong. You were a child and I think you should be incredibly proud at breaking the cycle and prioritizing yourself and your children. Look for the love you seek in them, yourself, your friends and all the good you do in the world. You deserve it and you are unlikely to find it in your parents.

Not rtft.

Some of the early comments on here are shocking.

Your mum has failed you.
Your dad has failed you.
They are both abusive. I have been through similar with my parents and I have difficulty recognising the abuse from my mother as it takes place in a different form now. It's not the typical controlling and physical abuse that my father did.

Anyway OP I'd block her. FWIW my mother sends similar messages. I think she genuinely believes she's a good mother and believes what she says. It's bats it. Her messages to you are to try and convince herself and absolve herself of any wrongdoing as much as anything.

When your mum says these things, do you think she knows what love is? Consider her abusive marital relationship, the obvious lack of love her husband has for her children, her choosing that man over you. I don’t think she does and she’s sending you words that are hollow because they aren’t backed by actions. Your words to her need to be louder. She needs to STOP sending daily messages that are a traumatising reminder of an appalling lack of love and care as a child. Tell her that’s what they are.

I know it is extremely difficult, but you need to cut them both off completely.

I really feel for you OP. Your mum can’t cut ties with your abusive dad. You can’t cut ties with your abusive mum. You’re both trapped. You are cut off from one another. But. You should be incredibly proud that you’ve survived this. So many of us don’t, through no fault of our own. And you’ve broken the cycle by protecting your own kids. You owe it to them to go that but further. Don’t be gaslit by your mother. This is her choice, not your guilt. If she expects you to put up with abuse from
your father as the price of her love, you have to walk away. What she’s offering isn’t love, which is unconditional, it’s just emotional blackmail. You won’t get her love by giving in, just more and more blackmail, that’s how blackmail works. I’m so sorry but you will have to look for love from other people. You will find it because unlike your parents, you know how to love. I’m so sorry - nothing makes up for not having a good loving family and all you can do is limit the damage. It’s unfair, I’m afraid. All good wishes from someone who’s been there.

Narc 101 - Cut them out and don’t look back. The mother that you want a relationship with doesn’t exists and facing that hurts too much. You don’t owe anyone anything and you don’t have to put up with anyone or anything including the flying monkeys. You don’t need to explain or justify. Once you have made peace with that, the rest becomes easy. You are not in control of their outcome, only your own. No matter how much you want things to be different, these people are selfish and all about themselves. I’m so sorry 🫂