What on earth is my mother doing??

Dear OP, an abused wife on a coercive control relationship has no choice. Can't see any options, can see a light at the end of the tunnel, Can't see the hand extended for help...
So many women don't report their men to the police, many report just to retract it later and many go back to the abuser even after a prosecution .
This is coercive control, a form of madness to any sane person looking from the outside but a super secure prison for the one inside

OP I feel you need to grieve the parents you always wanted/deserved. As they are not here.
Sorry if this is harsh however, it would actually be easier if your parents were deceased as then you could move on. Honestly the best thing is to block and move on. You were physically and emotionally abused. You owe them nothing. You know who you can count on - your DH and DD’s.
Actions have consequences, they do not get to abuse you and still have you in their life.
Your DD’s deserve to have the whole of you.

I think she's weak but loves you very much. She doesn't have to send you those messages, she does it because she does love you so much.

OP, Imagine you are your daughter's fairy godmother (instead of her mother). Imagine your parents are actually your"god child's" parents. Your god child grows up craving her parents' love but not receiving it. Imagine she is now an adult and still desperately wanting her mother's affection, although she managed to break free from her dad. You watch the mother text daily with the same sentence and you watch your Godchild and all the pain it is causing her. You see the Godchild with her children and the parents. You see everything but you can only soak to the God child. With all the love you have for your Godchild what do you feel she should do in order to become truly happy?
Could you write a letter from the fairy Godmother to the child with everything you want to tell her and when you finish it swap back to the child and read what your fairy godmother has said.

I have 2 adopted daughters and neither of them wants anything to do with their birth parents. They are both mid 20s now and will not budge. This is not my doing. Maybe some behaviour can't be forgiven.

Totally agree with this. Your mother's only priority is herself, she will expect you to take over doing/paying for everything when your dad dies 'to the moon and back' she will expect you to sacrifice yourself again because she was such a good mother. Only her needs matter to her.

she was the only one standing in the way between me and that monster. Or at least that is how it felt.

I think you know this but really the above should read she was the only one standing in the way OF ME BEING SAFE FROM that monster

She might have been thoroughly toxic, but she didn't hit me as often as he did, or totally lose her self control

also I think you know this as well but the fact that you have to say that her beatings and temper were not as bad as those of your father just screams again don’t bother with her. She is not a person you should be putting any of your energy into. Make your piece with the fact that your childhood was utter shit but you are still here and have your own DC’s that you are trying to protect. What doesn’t kill you (even though almost did) makes you stronger. But you need to take control and set yourself free from the shackles of your mother.

@Hummingbird75 do not let her line you up to look after her. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks (if family spouts lies etc), you know the truth, your conscience is clear and you don’t have to entertain this toxic stuff following you down the generations, at least on your side. You have made massive steps already.

This ^^
Save yourself and your children from further damage, block them, set yourself free.
Your mum had a choice she chose to allow your pig of a father to abuse you, she is his enabler.
I am the adult child of violent mother, both parents were alcoholics. Best thing I ever did was go no contact.

Your missing the fact that your mother allowed your father to be abusive towards her children. She has always put her husbands needs before her children and is continuing to do so.
You mention your feelings towards your father because of his behaviour yet you ignore your mothers behaviour in all of this.
Personally I would cut all contact with both of them. They have both let their children down as parents and continue to do so towards their grandchildren.
Protect your own children from these awful people.

My recommendation is that you move a long way away, so that when your mother is frail, you are simply not available geographically. Other posters are right, it's always the scapegoats who are expected to step up. Stand your ground and refuse to do anything, except that which you're comfortable with on your own terms.

I would just sent the odd text and then be more in contact when he passes away.

Cut them both off !How she feels or doesn’t is immaterial it is you that is being hurt and your own family. As for your father, sad excuse for a human being. People gloss over things as they get old and pretend things were different and invent a better version that is what Mum is doing. Mine did the same and I hid my feelings for years she used to hit us break our toys over small incidents she was vicious when in a rage. When I lived with her for a while I realised she didn’t really like me despite her hugs and my darling daughter comments. Sadly I let her have the truth and put her right about what really happened in the past which made me feel really bad. You don’t need them don’t feel bad protect your future and leave the past and them behind. Block your phone delete them and move forward don’t go back

You know, it is always the scapegoat child that ends up in the thankless carer role when the abusive parent is old and needs care. The golden child and others don’t step up, the abuse continues.

This is very much the case with my mum and gran. She never escaped and became the carer.

The “primary victim” stuff is bollocks. My gran was a narcissist well before she met her abusive husband. Then she enabled, covered up and made it all about her. My mum was the scapegoat.

As one generation further on, the one thing I wish my mum would do is have some therapy. She is still trapped by the abuse even though both her abusers are dead now. But the cycle of abuse has ended. As her child I am free from it.

I just read this and want to echo that. I fully appreciate that there are women that are victims of domestic situations, no question about that.

But that doesn’t give one a free out of jail card.

Those victims once they cross the line to be a perpetrator automatically lose any defense. Your mother may be a victim but it was her responsibility to protect her children and to try to seek out help. That’s all on her. Not you. Her. You didn’t ask to be born. It is not your responsibility to empathise with her and feel sorry for her. If she was reaching out to someone that are not her children (ideally a professional) and wanted to face her demons that’s different. She deserves some sympathy and help from there but not from you. You owe her nothing, zero, null. Literally nothing.

Look at it this way, it is your responsibility OP to protect your children. You are a victim of your upbringing. However it is your responsibility to protect your children. I don’t know how old your DC’s are but imagine they become teenagers if not already and become a bit difficult. Maybe they make choices you don’t approve of. Maybe they start blaming you for not being 100% there for them because you were consumed by the issues from your childhood. Maybe you will start feeling that they had nice life, they had it easy, they ought to understand you more and see your point of view.

The above is not meant to be harsh. But as some people said you need to be ok to be ok for your children. Forget about your mother. I get some random messages from mine similar to what the poster said above. I find them annoying, bewildering and never respond to them or address them - because I don’t understand them, don’t see the point and they are unwanted. I think someone else said imagine it was stranger, you wouldn’t tolerate any unwanted behaviour. Even less so is unwanted behaviour acceptable from one’s own mother.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I needed to stop and comment because I was seeing a lot of messages suggesting your mother is abused/innocent and I had to say something. I don’t believe this is true. I really relate to your situation and it took me years and much therapy to realise how much of a problem my mother is. She is a covert narcissist who enabled my father’s behaviour. It could be worth you reading up about narcissism too.

The messages your mother sends you are familiar to me too. My mother doesn’t know how to have a normal relationship - her attempts are a facsimile. She knows, because she lives in the world, what ‘normal’ relationships are meant to look like, but she has no understanding of how to make genuine connection. I’ve had plenty or situations where, on the one hand, she is clearly being manipulative, abusive, and hideous, but then she will send me a stock meme/gif/copy and paste of something sickly sweet about the connection of mothers and daughters. We have no genuine connection. And this isn’t her attempt to gain one - it’s her shallow ‘understanding’ of how relationships work. She is incapable of accepting who I am as a person, my autonomy, or my choices in life. She refused to protect me from my father and she chose to act like she was the victim, with a lot of parentification thrown in for good measure.

You’re not mad, OP, you have an abusive family dynamic. Your instincts to protect your children are correct and that’s where your focus should lie.

I think you are incredibly perceptive. I’m sure your mother thinks you will step in and become her carer or otherwise look after her once your father dies. Do not accept this role.

You know, it is always the scapegoat child that ends up in the thankless carer role when the abusive parent is old and needs care. The golden child and others don’t step up, the abuse continues.

Be very mindful of this. I am sure the messages are intended to line you up for the future. Remember that your duty is to your children, not to an abusive parent. She would happily take your time and care from your children who actually need you.

I completely understand an adult child who has had a wonderful or even good enough parent wanting to care for that elderly parent. But funnily enough, those kinds of parents aren’t often the ones who expect it.

wishing you all the very best @Hummingbird75

Very insightful update OP, the book sounds like it's really helping.
I'm glad you are seeing things clearly now and you can put in place the plan for when the inevitable happens with you mum

I think she is simply trying to absolve herself of her own guilt and choices.
She knows she has chosen him but wants to kid herself that she hasn’t done wrong by you and these messages are a crutch she can use to justify it in her mind.
“I’m not a bad mum as I send her messages everyday telling her I love her”.
Unfortunately, it is action, not words that you need.
Sorry you are going through this.

OP I haven’t read the whole thread but I did read all of your updates.

Reading it made me really angry.

I could start to imagine what you feel like and glad you have seen a therapist and are going to see another again. It sound like these threads are helping you as well.

No need to answer if you don’t want, byt is the father of your children with you? If so do you get any family support from that side?

I haven’t experienced anything like you but I have pretty much the opposite relationship with my mother in that I just don’t want to have anything to do with her. Once she dies I expect I will feel some sadness but I don’t expect anything from her and equally don’t give anything. I don’t fully understand myself why I feel that way apart from that she didn’t like our father (he was never abusive towards us and there was no physical abuse towards her either, maybe some people would say now that he was controlling, though). But she never split up from him even though she clearly disliked him and instead was training us to not like him or his family. She would make up names for him same for his family and make us use them for example. They were both very young when they got together. I moved very far away and basically keep very low contact never talking about anything important or personal with then as I just have zero respect for my mother, maybe a tiny bit of respect for my father. I can imagine ever situation where I would sit down with them and talk about the things and work through them.

Primary victim? I think 'collaborator' is more appropriate. As an adult she had, and continues, to have a choice. A child does not have that choice.

No, the child is the primary victim. The mother didn’t protect her own child, at all, and is still prioritising the abuser.

She is being abused and coerced.
She is the primary victim, she can't contact you and love you the way you want.
Those messages are all the rebellion she can muster. She is a prisoner in her mind.
She will come back to you when he is dead.
I hope you will be able to forgive her and heal together when this happens.