Page 4 | What on earth is my mother doing??

Hummingbird75 · 2024-07-18T07:05:48+00:00

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB. My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper. He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened. Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning. Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age. Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health. My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world. There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done) Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care. What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly. I don't FEEL remotely loved by her. The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time. I am so confused. What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me? It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it ^seems^ like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all. I have no idea what I should do about this now. What am I missing about this situation?

FreeRider · 20/07/2024 19:04

It is like she only knows two lanes in life. The victim mentality - her favourite place, where everyone has to feel sorry for her and she can revel in the poor me. Or the lane of anger when she is challenged or questioned, she goes on the attack trying to defend and deflect her position. There is no lane of self reflection, consideration or personal responsibility at all. It is completely missing.

Also sums my mother up...and it's because it's true. My mother is a narc, comes from the fact that she was one of the last children of 9, born when her mother was in her early 40s. My grandmother was also Catholic, my mother was born in 1941, so fair to say she wasn't exactly a welcome addition to a already large family.

However, years of therapy has made me realise that is not my problem. That background may explain why my mother is like she is, but she had no 'right', if you like, to 'take it out' on myself and my brothers - which is exactly what she did. One of my mother's favourite sayings is 'I had to suffer that, why shouldn't you'. The idea that she should want BETTER for her children is a totally foreign concept to my mother. And god help us if we did do/have it better than her...she makes no effort to conceal her anger or jealousy. Being the only girl also meant I really got it in spades, especially when I made it clear from a very young age that I didn't want children.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 18:59

I don't know about you, but when my dc say you have upset me Mum with x,y and z. I immediately listen, ask for more details, look at what has happened, as objectively as possible decide if they have a point or not, and talk it through.

If I feel it was something I have done wrong, I apologise to them and learn from it. I sometimes make mistakes. I sometimes mess up, and as long as I can put it right with an apology or some repair action there is usually no harm done. This part is entirely missing and never happens with my mother or father. The part where we look at ourselves and our own behaviour. There is zero capacity to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 18:55

Beth216 · 20/07/2024 18:00

Yeah OP it sounds like your mother has a lot of narcissistic traits. She probably had a traumatic childhood in one way or another that started it all. She then married an abusive man so was again a victim herself, but making the world think it was a happy marriage was probably the most important thing (due to her rock bottom self esteem).

She then watched the abuse pass on to you, she was absolved while your brother was more protected as the 'higher value' (for whatever misguided reason) child. Maybe because your father slightly preferred him, or internalised misogyny, or because he was more malleable and more willing to pretend that everything was fine.

What you've had your whole life is 'you will be loved if you play my game' and she was your heroine because she could say 'that's enough' at times. And those bread crumbs were more than your father ever gave you. That wasn't love, there was no empathy, she just knew she couldn't let things go too far for risk of someone finding out the truth about her happy family. Now she is trying to manipulate you back into the game with the constant love bombing because firstly she won't like to feel rejection from you and secondly because how would she explain it if you weren't at the funeral? How would she keep the happy family facade up then?

You feel no love because there is no love, there never was. Oh she could make you feel like there was if it suited her, many narcissists can be very charming and come across as lovely people. But it's all a performance dependent on you playing by their rules - and they will cut you out without a second thought if you're not fulfilling that role.

She's a victim and she had no control over the narcissism, it would have been a survival thing - but you need to see her for what she is IMO. When your father dies you may become very useful to her again and it might feel like she really loves you and everything is good (back to the performance again). Or she might blame and resent you, rewrite your whole history making everything your fault (she probably already has to some extent) and never speak to you again.

You need to have very low expectations and look after yourself OP. You need to recognise this for what it is and protect yourself. This is someone who hasn't been able to make themselves happy their whole life, all they have to cling onto is their superficial facade. She can't give you what you really want.

The facade was always more important. I can't understand it myself, why a pretend life is better than the well being of your actual children. Or the superficial is the only level that they can operate on, when a more meaningful relationship is on offer.

The constant deflection is really annoying. Every time I say you are hurting me, she immediately turns it around to her and says I am the one hurting her because I am drawing attention to something she would rather not talk about.

I looked up DAVRO and that was enlightening -

Deny, attack, reverse victim & offender

Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers

It is precisely what she does whenever you merely raise the prospect that things are far from ideal, and you are feeling hurt or upset. Instead of asking about it, talking it through, consider what can be done if anything - she becomes instantly extremely animated and aggressive and does the whole DAVRO thing.

It is like she only knows two lanes in life. The victim mentality - her favourite place, where everyone has to feel sorry for her and she can revel in the poor me. Or the lane of anger when she is challenged or questioned, she goes on the attack trying to defend and deflect her position. There is no lane of self reflection, consideration or personal responsibility at all. It is completely missing.

OP posts:

Ivymom · 20/07/2024 18:01

It is often said that the enabler is worse than the abuser. It is because they are insidious. On the surface, when compared to the abuser, they come across as the better or safer person. Sometimes, they can seem like another victim of the abuser. They may have started as the victim, but at some point they became a volunteer and then another abuser. They usually don’t abuse you directly, but serve you up to the abuser. This way, you are still abused, but they appear innocent.

I see a lot of similarities between your mother and mine. The abuse I experienced was different from yours, but the fundamentals are the same. Your mother may have started as a victim of your father, but at some point, she morphed into an abuser. She should have moved heaven and earth to protect her children. Instead, she used them as meat shields. At some point, she started to get something out of you being abused. Personally, my mother seemed to enjoy seeing my confidence destroyed. Her narrative was that since I didn’t want to settle for a series of crap husbands and wanted to further my education so I could have a well paying career, then I was stuck up, thought too highly of myself and needed to be brought down.

Your mother gets something out of abusing you by proxy. You don’t need to figure out what, you just need to protect yourself and your children. Your mother installed buttons in you. She would do something, you would respond, get abused and then she would reward you with a minimal amount of affection. She expected this cycle to continue with your children. She enjoys this cycle.

You broke that cycle. Not only did you remove yourself from the cycle of abuse, you broke it by protecting your children. Those daily messages are pure manipulation. They are meant to push the buttons she installed to get you and your children back in the cycle. She didn’t count on you loving your children more than yourself and protecting them, because she is selfish and loves herself more than her children.

If you aren’t ready to cut off, take an indefinite time out. Realize that you are creating your happy ending. You broke the cycle of generational abuse by protecting your children and getting therapy. You are teaching your children how to have healthy relationships and to not accept abuse. You are starting to see through the manipulation. The longer you are away from it, the more peace and happiness you will feel.

Beth216 · 20/07/2024 18:00

Yeah OP it sounds like your mother has a lot of narcissistic traits. She probably had a traumatic childhood in one way or another that started it all. She then married an abusive man so was again a victim herself, but making the world think it was a happy marriage was probably the most important thing (due to her rock bottom self esteem).

She then watched the abuse pass on to you, she was absolved while your brother was more protected as the 'higher value' (for whatever misguided reason) child. Maybe because your father slightly preferred him, or internalised misogyny, or because he was more malleable and more willing to pretend that everything was fine.

What you've had your whole life is 'you will be loved if you play my game' and she was your heroine because she could say 'that's enough' at times. And those bread crumbs were more than your father ever gave you. That wasn't love, there was no empathy, she just knew she couldn't let things go too far for risk of someone finding out the truth about her happy family. Now she is trying to manipulate you back into the game with the constant love bombing because firstly she won't like to feel rejection from you and secondly because how would she explain it if you weren't at the funeral? How would she keep the happy family facade up then?

You feel no love because there is no love, there never was. Oh she could make you feel like there was if it suited her, many narcissists can be very charming and come across as lovely people. But it's all a performance dependent on you playing by their rules - and they will cut you out without a second thought if you're not fulfilling that role.

She's a victim and she had no control over the narcissism, it would have been a survival thing - but you need to see her for what she is IMO. When your father dies you may become very useful to her again and it might feel like she really loves you and everything is good (back to the performance again). Or she might blame and resent you, rewrite your whole history making everything your fault (she probably already has to some extent) and never speak to you again.

You need to have very low expectations and look after yourself OP. You need to recognise this for what it is and protect yourself. This is someone who hasn't been able to make themselves happy their whole life, all they have to cling onto is their superficial facade. She can't give you what you really want.

DinaofCloud9 · 20/07/2024 17:32

Boomer55 · 20/07/2024 16:55

I agree. There are many threads on here laying out that abused women are not enablers - they are worn down and brainwashed.

It sounds as though this mother is the same.🤷‍♀️

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I couldn't disagree more.

The mother has been a participant in her children's abuse and still is.

FreeRider · 20/07/2024 17:20

@AutumnFroglets Fuck that shit.

DoreenonTill8 · 20/07/2024 17:06

Boomer55 · 20/07/2024 16:55

I agree. There are many threads on here laying out that abused women are not enablers - they are worn down and brainwashed.

It sounds as though this mother is the same.🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

This 'mother' who literally stood by and watched her child be emotionally, physically and sexually abused from a young age?
Acknowledges that it happened but tells op she needs to forget about it because it upsets her picture in her head of her perfect family?

Boomer55 · 20/07/2024 16:55

AutumnFroglets · 18/07/2024 08:28

Your mother does not have free will. if you don't have free will then you cannot choose. Your father doesn't need to physically do anything to your mother, just the mere threat of punishment or even a look can keep her in line. He's been training her over many years to do exactly what he wants. Coercive control is very real and very insidious and it will be him blocking her from seeing you, or doing it only at the house.

The texts to you are how she really feels about you. She loves you but she can't reach you. If he dies before her then you will see the real her. Don't block a broken woman, it is NOT her fault.

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I agree. There are many threads on here laying out that abused women are not enablers - they are worn down and brainwashed.

It sounds as though this mother is the same.🤷‍♀️

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/07/2024 16:52

Well done @Hummingbird75 You have so much to be proud of. As you say, you have your happy ending and a vision of a happy future.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 16:48

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2024 15:36

I'm after reading your last update @Hummingbird75 and you have to (for your own mental well-being as well as for that of your family - your kids particularly) walk away.
Mute or block her completely.
You can decide in time to remove that block or to unmute her but you cannot continue as you are.
Your parents, particularly your mother, well, they are treating you like something to be played with, toyed with at the end of a fishing line. Not yet ready to land their catch they let you have a little bit of what you think is freedom but it isn't really because you're still at the end of the fishing line.
Time to cut that line and be free.

You talk about how when you stand up for yourself your mother gives you the silent treatment. You should see that as the way that you want things to be - her quietly going about her business and not annoying or interfering with you. The silent treatment is the way forwards. When she realises that you're not playing ball with her, she antagonises you again and you react. Time to give her the silent treatment.

You could send one final message saying "Mum - I no longer think our relationship is healthy for anyone, so I'm doing the respectable thing here and walking away. If you can in time realise that I wasn't trying to hurt you and I was looking for you to love me, then perhaps you can reach out to me. Until then, this is going to be the last communication between us both. Dad was abusive to me and is abusive to you. It's such a pity that you can't or refuse to see this. Anyway, I wish you all the best - your daughter @Hummingbird75 "

Then block her for the short to medium term at the very least.
Block her number for a week then another week and another and another and before you know it, she hasn't been in touch for almost a month. Then restart the clock and block her again, just one more week and keep doing it in small chunks. You can change your mind any time you really feel like it but after having a month or two without her toying with you, you might prefer the silence. Just a suggestion mind you.

It feels more healthy to say enough is enough this is not helping anyone. Thank you. I can't live a lie. She can't live with the truth. So we are always going to arrive here at stalemate.

Maybe the idea of anything being indefinite or forever IS too much at this very moment, that is very insightful of you to know that. Just pressing pause on all of this horribleness is not unreasonable. I can see how I go, and maybe in the meantime the therapy will support me in finding a way to accept what feels unacceptable.

I am banging my head against a brick wall, that is exactly it.
I don't think she cares that much tbh, it occurs to me I am the only one here trying. It really is time to stop.

I know I am not perfect either, and I have probably wanted to be 'heard' for too long when no one really wants to hear it. In my own way howling into the wind for one of them to care, to listen, to hear me. The door felt closed a long time ago if I am honest, and now it is time for me to stop trying, stop banging my head and walk away. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would now it is done. I think I am losing the illusion of a mother, not one that actually exists in my world today.

OP posts:

Andwegoroundagain · 20/07/2024 16:24

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 15:39

Oh thank you for this, I have never looked at it this way before!

Maybe the happy ending is that I have managed to live a mostly happy adult life in spite of it all, and have many people around me that are very important to me.

The 'happy ending' is that my children will go on to have carefree, happy relationships and I might be blessed and be a granny one day with little children running around, and know I played my part in keeping them safe and away from the abuse cycle. By keeping my darling dds safe now, I am future proofing their relationships, and setting a good example of what healthy relationships are. They are independent, have good self esteem and can spot my mother's manipulative ways in an instant.

Yes, I will look at in this way going forward. My happy ending is already here, and my job now is to keep it that way and not allow the shadow of my past ruin the present and the future.

Show quote history

Honestly that is the thing to hold on to. I was abused by my father and I was determined that it would stop with me. I made sure it didn't happen to my siblings and I made sure it didn't happen to my DC.
We break the cycle. You have broken the cycle. You are f**king strong and you made that happen.

VickyPollard25 · 20/07/2024 16:22

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 14:51

I have an unfortunate update.

My last message to her said that I can't get over what Dad has done to me, that she still gets up each day and pretends nothing awful has happened, and that the on going abuse in our family is too distressing to deal with. She then predictably went completely silent on me for a while.

At that point I archived her WA messages expecting to leave it at that, she has form for not speaking to me for months for having the audacity to be be hurt and talk about it, however gently. I felt it would explain to her why I am taking some space rather than just blocking and ignoring her. But the WA still alerted me to her responses for some reason, and it has just come through.

She has since come roaring back so aggressively that I am the one that is being abusive (I know I am not, I am just saying I am hurt) I can see she is gas lighting and deflecting again. I am apparently hurting her feelings (by telling the truth) and she has spun the whole thing around. Just like that. I am not allowed to say I am hurt. I am not allowed to say I find it distressing to be part of this.

I am never ever allowed to have any of my own feelings. I think this is what I need to work on. She just always deflects and closes it down.

I am never allowed to feel sad, upset and hurt. She just shuts it down and says it is not nice for her to listen to it.

It is the sheer injustice and unfairness of it that gets to me.

I also aware she is playing on these feelings and probably reeling me back in. That every time I say I am hurt she is reminded of her part in this.

I don't know why it has to be this way, why we can't just be a happy family and love each other.

I do need to let her go. This is causing nothing but anguish, and is not helping anyone.

DARVO

fastcarsnarrowstreets · 20/07/2024 16:20

Your most recent post is so great, OP - if you can look at gently but firmly closing the door on your mother's presence in your life, then I think you'll be surprised by just how wonderful your life will be without her in it.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2024 16:04

Also - another point of view in relation to you trying to save her is that she doesn't actually want to be saved. You've mentioned that she has a lot of control over your father, which clearly suits her so I'd try to view it that you tried, she didn't want to be saved, so rather than it ending up making you both terribly unhappy, you walked away and let her get on with her stuff.

Just a different viewpoint on the situation.

ilovesushi · 20/07/2024 16:00

I'm sorry your mother got back with such a hurtful message. To me it just reveals her true colours more strongly. Can you take this latest message as confirmation that she brings nothing good to your life and does not wish you well (sorry!), and step away from her completely. That is the happy ending - cutting the abuse out of your life and focussing on the future with your DC. Reconciling with the abusers is not the happy ending.

My thought about finding your own peace with it, is maybe write a long letter to them saying everything you wish you could say, then put it in an envelope and put it away in a drawer. Don't send it. Someone suggested this to me once when I was going through something really difficult and I found it cathartic. x

J97King · 20/07/2024 15:52

My mum expected me to look after her emotionally. I was never allowed to be upset even if I was ill and she would turn everything round to be about her. I never pulled her up on it because I know she would have refused to accept it. So I think you have been incredibly brave here. You are also getting a lot more information! I would leave her for the time being while you process things x

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 15:39

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2024 15:12

Something in this post you wrote @Hummingbird75 just jumped out of the screen to me "that will mean I have failed her and never 'saved' her from him, there will be no happy ending."
You will have the happy ending.
The happy ending is that you will break the cycle and you will protect your children and the abusive cycle will not continue.
It might not be the ending that you want but it is a happy ending nonetheless.

Oh thank you for this, I have never looked at it this way before!

Maybe the happy ending is that I have managed to live a mostly happy adult life in spite of it all, and have many people around me that are very important to me.

The 'happy ending' is that my children will go on to have carefree, happy relationships and I might be blessed and be a granny one day with little children running around, and know I played my part in keeping them safe and away from the abuse cycle. By keeping my darling dds safe now, I am future proofing their relationships, and setting a good example of what healthy relationships are. They are independent, have good self esteem and can spot my mother's manipulative ways in an instant.

Yes, I will look at in this way going forward. My happy ending is already here, and my job now is to keep it that way and not allow the shadow of my past ruin the present and the future.

OP posts:

Ohnobackagain · 20/07/2024 15:38

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2024 15:12

Something in this post you wrote @Hummingbird75 just jumped out of the screen to me "that will mean I have failed her and never 'saved' her from him, there will be no happy ending."
You will have the happy ending.
The happy ending is that you will break the cycle and you will protect your children and the abusive cycle will not continue.
It might not be the ending that you want but it is a happy ending nonetheless.

@Hummingbird75 I agree with this, it’s worded better than my efforts - you can break the cycle, and it starts by blocking that number.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2024 15:36

I'm after reading your last update @Hummingbird75 and you have to (for your own mental well-being as well as for that of your family - your kids particularly) walk away.
Mute or block her completely.
You can decide in time to remove that block or to unmute her but you cannot continue as you are.
Your parents, particularly your mother, well, they are treating you like something to be played with, toyed with at the end of a fishing line. Not yet ready to land their catch they let you have a little bit of what you think is freedom but it isn't really because you're still at the end of the fishing line.
Time to cut that line and be free.

You talk about how when you stand up for yourself your mother gives you the silent treatment. You should see that as the way that you want things to be - her quietly going about her business and not annoying or interfering with you. The silent treatment is the way forwards. When she realises that you're not playing ball with her, she antagonises you again and you react. Time to give her the silent treatment.

You could send one final message saying "Mum - I no longer think our relationship is healthy for anyone, so I'm doing the respectable thing here and walking away. If you can in time realise that I wasn't trying to hurt you and I was looking for you to love me, then perhaps you can reach out to me. Until then, this is going to be the last communication between us both. Dad was abusive to me and is abusive to you. It's such a pity that you can't or refuse to see this. Anyway, I wish you all the best - your daughter @Hummingbird75 "

Then block her for the short to medium term at the very least.
Block her number for a week then another week and another and another and before you know it, she hasn't been in touch for almost a month. Then restart the clock and block her again, just one more week and keep doing it in small chunks. You can change your mind any time you really feel like it but after having a month or two without her toying with you, you might prefer the silence. Just a suggestion mind you.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 15:26

ohthejoys21 · 20/07/2024 15:12

I am so sorry I didn't mean to upset you even more. I'm sure you must have, but have you replied to a message of hers saying "why should I believe this if you never see me or pick up the phone?"

If she's truly terrified of your father and too frightened to leave, this could be her way of ensuring you to know she loves you. Although it's not working ie doesn't make you feel loved, It sounds like it's important to her that you know. Perhaps being so terrified all she can do.

I have said this to my mother on the phone, and asked her directly to please call me or visit us one day. She always agrees and then never does it. She calls everyone else but me, so I don't think it is him at all in this respect. It feels like a power play to me that she simply chooses not to. I have to do the running, as is my job in life as far as she is concerned.

She is not terrified of my father and has a lot of influence over him, and always has done. Not to the point that she can change fundamentally who he is, but enough to get all of her needs met. He does all of the cooking, cleaning and housework. She hasn't done anything for the last ten years or so. She is not helpless, and has close family and siblings that live within a short walk and plenty of support.

The copy and paste daily message seems to work to calm her conscience perhaps, to reassure her she isn't a bad mother, or to keep some contact just in case she needs us. Either way it is serving her needs not mine, as they only make me feel more sad and more alone when I read them.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 20/07/2024 15:26

Oh OP I'm truly sorry, but I really do believe it's time to stop banging your head against the wall.

There's no love from her. Just her self-absorbsion. She needs her delusion of herself as a good mother far far more than she cares about YOU.

I'm afraid I don't think she is any kind of victim in this.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2024 15:12

Something in this post you wrote @Hummingbird75 just jumped out of the screen to me "that will mean I have failed her and never 'saved' her from him, there will be no happy ending."
You will have the happy ending.
The happy ending is that you will break the cycle and you will protect your children and the abusive cycle will not continue.
It might not be the ending that you want but it is a happy ending nonetheless.

ohthejoys21 · 20/07/2024 15:12

I am so sorry I didn't mean to upset you even more. I'm sure you must have, but have you replied to a message of hers saying "why should I believe this if you never see me or pick up the phone?"

If she's truly terrified of your father and too frightened to leave, this could be her way of ensuring you to know she loves you. Although it's not working ie doesn't make you feel loved, It sounds like it's important to her that you know. Perhaps being so terrified all she can do.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 14:54

ohthejoys21 · 20/07/2024 12:56

I think she's weak but loves you very much. She doesn't have to send you those messages, she does it because she does love you so much.

Your right she doesn't have to send those particular messages, she knows they hurt me, and she continues to do so. Do you not think if she loved me very much she would actually call me, visit me every now and then? Show some interest in me as a person? And would respect my wishes if I say something hurts and upsets me rather than carrying on anyway?

What has she done that makes you think she 'loves' me very much? 😞

OP posts: