Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What on earth is my mother doing??

491 replies

Hummingbird75 · 18/07/2024 08:05

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

OP posts:
ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/07/2024 16:07

@Hummingbird75 A small thing from the many wonderful words you've written, but this:

'If I am all of those things on her list, then she no longer needs to put up with that, she is free of it all.'

resonated with me because I felt that self-justification, which I think is born of hurt, guilt & anger, only in my situation it came out as:

You always chose your husband above me, you always told me he came first (& I came nowhere) & you loved him & could never leave him & he was all you ever wanted - well, I'm leaving you in peace so now you've got him, it's what you always wanted, just the two of you - enjoy!

There's a feeling of revenge about it, of schadenfreude maybe, because I knew she wouldn't be happy with him. She'd lost her human shield, she had nothing to offer up to him & hide behind. She would get him full force now. But that's the choice she made.

The best revenge is to live well, so they say, & the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. But right here, right now, you need that moment of turning things back on her in your own mind, & I celebrate the fact that you've reached this stage of your journey.

GoogleWhacked · 22/07/2024 14:45

@Hummingbird75 reading all of your posts I'm glad you've been able to work through all of these complex thoughts and decide what's best for you.

As an aside, can I just say... Your writing is so inspirational, you are clear and clever, and evoke such empathy. If you ever feel able to, I think you could write a book to help others in your situation.

GoogleWhacked · 22/07/2024 14:39

MustWeDoThis · 22/07/2024 11:17

She's love bombing you to keep you under her control and to keep you feeling guilty.

I don't know why you have kept these people in your life, I think you are trying to grasp at and hold onto something that is never going to happen. They are abusive parents and you need to block them both and walk away.

Stop enabling them to continue treating you like shit. You don't need them. Want them? Yes. Need them? No.

Show quote history

@mustwedothis Please read ALL of OP's posts. She has come such a long way since her initial post.

Comtesse · 22/07/2024 12:51

You have been under-reacting for YEARS - time for a change. She’s a horror, just as much as your father.

Ginkypig · 22/07/2024 11:46

@Hummingbird75

Oh sweetheart you feel this way because we are genetically programmed to feel that way. Don’t feel bad that you can’t shake your need for her or that you are grieving the what could and should have been because it’s coming from a place that you can’t control. It’s primal and it’s in our dna code. We can learn to live without it but it hurts on a level that can’t really be explained to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

you just need to work hard on how you feel that stuff whilst also being able to live your life and without it overwhelming everything else. Time will help you with that but ultimately it also takes conscious effort and work to learn skills to do that too.

for my mum I have tried to give a safe place of comfort with no judgment or guilt for those feelings because the little girl needs heard and actually deserves to be heard finally! but I’ve put boundaries in place so they can’t (very often) spill over and infect the healthy life I worked so hard to build. I allow myself a bit of time to feel something if it comes up but then I put it down gently like a long ago grief rather than an acute new death if any of that makes sense.
im not sure how that will work when she actually dies but for now it’s my process! 😳

MustWeDoThis · 22/07/2024 11:17

Hummingbird75 · 18/07/2024 08:05

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

She's love bombing you to keep you under her control and to keep you feeling guilty.

I don't know why you have kept these people in your life, I think you are trying to grasp at and hold onto something that is never going to happen. They are abusive parents and you need to block them both and walk away.

Stop enabling them to continue treating you like shit. You don't need them. Want them? Yes. Need them? No.

Original poster
Hummingbird75 · 22/07/2024 08:03

Slugsandsnailsresidehere · 22/07/2024 08:00

But you do have hope - do these things with your own dc @Hummingbird75 and build good memories with them. Grieve for the past but reframe and look forward with hope and focus on the future. Therein may lie peace and happy times.

Yes - and that is a total blessing. I can spend more time enjoying these things with my own children now I am not hankering after my own mother. I have more time now, as they enjoy spending time with me.

I realised today, and I am rather ashamed to admit that I have wasted too much time already focused on the situation with my mother 😔

OP posts:
Slugsandsnailsresidehere · 22/07/2024 08:00

But you do have hope - do these things with your own dc @Hummingbird75 and build good memories with them. Grieve for the past but reframe and look forward with hope and focus on the future. Therein may lie peace and happy times.

Original poster
Hummingbird75 · 22/07/2024 07:41

The total death of hope is the hardest thing waking up this morning and realising I will never have a family christmas at my mother's grotto ever again (not that it was fun because my father would ruin every single one)

I will never hold my mother in my arms when she has had a bad day, or link arms and go shopping together, or sit over a coffee and chat. I will never see her appear at my door when I have had awful news from the doctor, and she comes in and gives me the kind of hug I imagine only a mum can give and helps me pull myself together as I have done many times. I will never feel the closeness, the warmness of her presence and strength.

I will never see my dds spinning around the kitchen with my mother, or sewing and baking at the kitchen table. I will never sit in a spa and have our toe nails painted or something like that. Or travel to a different country and enjoy a holiday. We will never visit my grandmother's graves together and plant rose bushes and honour the wonderful women they were.

We will never go to the beach again and collect pebbles and drink wine by the sea. We will never gather all of the womenfolk in my family and talk about our lives. We will never dance together or sing together again, or hold hands when we are in a Christmas carol service because it is impossibly tender. When I lose someone or something precious there will be no loving mother to offer comfort or wisdom, or tuck me into bed when I am too tired to manage the day. She will never see my amazing achievements, or my beautiful smart girls as they grow in to women. Or my little dogs. Or the pride of my flowering gardens that have taken years in the making. Especially my climbing roses with the petals scattering everywhere. No more chats in the car listening to the birds outside on a cold winter's day. We won't be walking in the woods again, nor sitting in the summer enjoying a picnic, watching the ducks on the lake. We won't visit any more castles, or the garden centres at Christmas. We won't be making christmas cards again, or knit at the table. Or sit by the fire with a glass of wine and the radio on. I won't get to tuck her into my guest bed knowing she looks so soft and comfortable, and loved. We won't ever have this again.

It is all lost. It will never happen, any of it.

These were all the things I hoped for, and more. Some of them I was able to create myself with her and are real memories, but she was never really present, she often felt distant and I felt alone even as she stood there, she would be fumbling with her phone as one text after another would arrive from my father, brother and aunt and she would have to reply painstakingly to each one as I sat there waiting. Even when she was with me, she was not actually with me. Distracted by her phone, smoking or talking about something else usually my brother, rather than just enjoying the moment we were sharing. Even in the rare moments she would not be doing those things and would start to enjoy herself, I can see now it might have been mirroring because these were my dreams, not hers.

She avoided any kind of relationship from the beginning, and always found something else to do. Chronically avoidant, she would find almost anything else to do to avoid any intimacy, tenderness or connection. There was always something to put away, a message to answer or a call that was pressing as 'your dad will worry'.

How it hurts to know all hope is gone now. I have to find a way to let go.

The death of hope is the hardest thing, and there is no getting away from it - it has to be faced.

OP posts:
Dayoldbag · 21/07/2024 21:54

You are well on your way to that blessed place of acceptance OP.
You are going to be so happily surprised at just how peaceful it is.
Mind yourself.

binkie163 · 21/07/2024 21:36

@Hummingbird75 once the wool has been lifted from our eyes, we see them as they truly are, we can't then unsee it. It's hurtful and shocking but better to face the truth and move forward than stay within the family lie.
It gets easier, you cannot heal from a toxic family while you remain in it. It's takes time for the anger, hurt and resentment to fade but it does, for me I just became completely indifferent, I no longer thought about them, the internal dialogue went. It took a while to embrace the calmness after the chaos. My only regret was I didn't go NC 40 years ago.

Ginkypig · 21/07/2024 21:08

@Hummingbird75

this thread has been like watching a butterfly emerge from its chrysalis.

you are beautiful op. I’m so saddened by your posts while at exactly the same time being so gladdened to see the massive transformation in your self which I can see will lighten your life hugely.

as one childhood trauma survivor to another bloody well done and I wish you all the calmness and strength I can possibly muster for you.

I know more than most it’s all so insidious and ingrained into the very fibres of your being and complicated that I can’t just wish you the best because it’s never going to be as easy as that even when you’re not exposed anymore you live with the consequences but bugger it I am anyway! You deserve the best and more!!!!

LurkingInTheDark · 21/07/2024 20:55

Hummingbird75 · 21/07/2024 19:40

Yes that is absolutely right, her list reflects her behaviour towards me perfectly to a tee. I have only ever treated her with respect, and dare I say it exasperation sometimes when she doesn't listen to me (re the love bombing messages) but I don't see her in a negative light, and mostly I have felt very protective of her and her feelings.

I am feeling calmer at the outlook now. I have planned things I know are likely to hurt, like her birthday and Christmas, so I won't feel too bad.

I know the most likely moment will be when one of them suddenly becomes 'seriously ill' and all this will be is a ruse to bring me back in line. I have blocked her now, I have actually deleted her number so I will never feel tempted to message in a moment of weakness. I won't be going to them whatever happens.

It really is for the best for her and for me.

She won't need to feel her loyalties are in any way compromised any longer, she can now be true to their cause unhindered. She no longer needs to worry about me asking when she will visit or can I please have a phone call occasionally. Or compromising her by coming to see her. She is free to join my brother and father fully and be true to herself for once. She can say honestly to my father now that does not have a relationship with us any longer, I am sure it will make her life easier.

If I am all of those things on her list, then she no longer needs to put up with that, she is free of it all.

For me the benefits are even bigger. I won't have to feel sad every day when I get an emotionally manipulative message. I won't have to feel triggered. I don't need to try and make the relationship work and all of the heart ache that caused when the effort was never returned. I will have more energy for the relationships that are fully investing in me, and those that truly love me. I don't need to see another week, another month and then six months pass and she still hasn't as much picked up the phone. I no longer need to call her, and feel her quietly enjoying the fact I care more than she does. I will no longer lie in a hospital bed and wonder why she has decided this is the moment 'she can't cope' with me being ill and gives me the silent treatment for weeks in end, because she can't deal with 'stress' of any kind. Or feel that horrible lonely feeling of thinking she will text me and ask me how I am, and she never does, no matter how seriously ill I have been.

I don't need to live in fear of my father hurting me, or coming out of his house in a rage when I am collecting her from the road. I don't have to have panic attacks by the side of the road, or be physically sick at the thought of seeing their house or running into him any longer. I don't need to feel the dread of the visits for a full week at least before they happen. No more strained conversations about how painful this all is.

My kids don't like her, my dd had said she was horribly manipulative over my father's illness when he was in hospital (my mother made it all about her, full theatrics in front of the kids for days on end). I can breathe and enjoy my life without being dragged down by the past, I can cut it all away like a cancer. I never ever have to look at my father's rage in his eyes ever again, and see his yellow crocodile like teeth glinting in a smile that tells me he is ready for fun and I or my kids will soon be in deep trouble, and I go into a stress response trying to anticipate what he might do next.
I can stop looking over my shoulder, or panicking when the phone rings. I never have to go to the funeral and try and try to think of something nice to say about a man who abused me relentlessly, and has never felt any remorse. I can't think of a single endearing thing to say about him.

I don't need to have a spotless car, a perfect dress, a slim frame and a perfectly made up face so he doesn't criticise me openly to my face, and insult me and tell the world I am letting myself go, I can be myself as I am with other people. Dirty car and all. I stop being my mother's gossip fodder to her sister and her one friend. She will no longer dig around for terrible health news so she can have the enjoyment of picking over my pain at 7pm when she settles down for her evening call. She will no longer know the good news, but especially I am no longer serving her up supply that can be converted into the hard currency of attention for her. It stops today. I have always felt my life was simply a way for her to garner attention from others, she never actually cared if I was going to live, if I was suffering and in pain. I can take down the photo of her at my wedding in a full bright red sequinned wedding dress she ordered for MY wedding. I can still remember the look of abject horror on my lovely mother in law's face when she saw it. She never said one word to her credit. To my credit, I expected nothing less. Especially as the night before she managed to ruin my confidence by telling me 'I had put on a hell of a lot of weight' I honestly don't know how I have put up with this for so long.

There is another way to live. I know there is. A lighter, contented and happy future that is no longer dragged down by the misery that they inflict on me. I feel a most odd sensation of not even wanting to look at my phone any longer. Like that compulsion to check has just gone altogether. Nothing on my phone interests me any longer, I have my kids at home and thats all that matters, and my lovely dh who has spent all day looking after and out for me because he could see how quiet I was, and he knows why and never presses me.

Thank you to all of the brave, intelligent and enlightened souls on here spreading your light, support and care. I really needed to get this off my chest. To be accountable to myself, and to come back when I wobble and struggle, and desperately wish for a mama. This list will help me see I am doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

Show quote history

👏 👏 👏 👏 👏

Original poster
Hummingbird75 · 21/07/2024 19:40

Runsyd · 21/07/2024 15:26

My mothers response included calling me names and insults below:

Spiteful
Hurtful
Selfish
Bullying
Overly critical
Judgemental
Making her depressed
Making her anxious

Your mother is engaging in rampant projection. She cannot tolerate the idea that she embodies exactly these qualities, so she is projecting them all on you. Narcissists always project, it's a feature of their programming. They'll identify their very worst traits and behaviours and 'find' them in you.

Once you know this it can be very interesting to observe. My mother once accused me of showing no interest in her work, when in reality we spent a lot of time talking about her job. What was actually true was that she showed absolutely no interest in my career, even when I was doing well.

Yes that is absolutely right, her list reflects her behaviour towards me perfectly to a tee. I have only ever treated her with respect, and dare I say it exasperation sometimes when she doesn't listen to me (re the love bombing messages) but I don't see her in a negative light, and mostly I have felt very protective of her and her feelings.

I am feeling calmer at the outlook now. I have planned things I know are likely to hurt, like her birthday and Christmas, so I won't feel too bad.

I know the most likely moment will be when one of them suddenly becomes 'seriously ill' and all this will be is a ruse to bring me back in line. I have blocked her now, I have actually deleted her number so I will never feel tempted to message in a moment of weakness. I won't be going to them whatever happens.

It really is for the best for her and for me.

She won't need to feel her loyalties are in any way compromised any longer, she can now be true to their cause unhindered. She no longer needs to worry about me asking when she will visit or can I please have a phone call occasionally. Or compromising her by coming to see her. She is free to join my brother and father fully and be true to herself for once. She can say honestly to my father now that does not have a relationship with us any longer, I am sure it will make her life easier.

If I am all of those things on her list, then she no longer needs to put up with that, she is free of it all.

For me the benefits are even bigger. I won't have to feel sad every day when I get an emotionally manipulative message. I won't have to feel triggered. I don't need to try and make the relationship work and all of the heart ache that caused when the effort was never returned. I will have more energy for the relationships that are fully investing in me, and those that truly love me. I don't need to see another week, another month and then six months pass and she still hasn't as much picked up the phone. I no longer need to call her, and feel her quietly enjoying the fact I care more than she does. I will no longer lie in a hospital bed and wonder why she has decided this is the moment 'she can't cope' with me being ill and gives me the silent treatment for weeks in end, because she can't deal with 'stress' of any kind. Or feel that horrible lonely feeling of thinking she will text me and ask me how I am, and she never does, no matter how seriously ill I have been.

I don't need to live in fear of my father hurting me, or coming out of his house in a rage when I am collecting her from the road. I don't have to have panic attacks by the side of the road, or be physically sick at the thought of seeing their house or running into him any longer. I don't need to feel the dread of the visits for a full week at least before they happen. No more strained conversations about how painful this all is.

My kids don't like her, my dd had said she was horribly manipulative over my father's illness when he was in hospital (my mother made it all about her, full theatrics in front of the kids for days on end). I can breathe and enjoy my life without being dragged down by the past, I can cut it all away like a cancer. I never ever have to look at my father's rage in his eyes ever again, and see his yellow crocodile like teeth glinting in a smile that tells me he is ready for fun and I or my kids will soon be in deep trouble, and I go into a stress response trying to anticipate what he might do next.
I can stop looking over my shoulder, or panicking when the phone rings. I never have to go to the funeral and try and try to think of something nice to say about a man who abused me relentlessly, and has never felt any remorse. I can't think of a single endearing thing to say about him.

I don't need to have a spotless car, a perfect dress, a slim frame and a perfectly made up face so he doesn't criticise me openly to my face, and insult me and tell the world I am letting myself go, I can be myself as I am with other people. Dirty car and all. I stop being my mother's gossip fodder to her sister and her one friend. She will no longer dig around for terrible health news so she can have the enjoyment of picking over my pain at 7pm when she settles down for her evening call. She will no longer know the good news, but especially I am no longer serving her up supply that can be converted into the hard currency of attention for her. It stops today. I have always felt my life was simply a way for her to garner attention from others, she never actually cared if I was going to live, if I was suffering and in pain. I can take down the photo of her at my wedding in a full bright red sequinned wedding dress she ordered for MY wedding. I can still remember the look of abject horror on my lovely mother in law's face when she saw it. She never said one word to her credit. To my credit, I expected nothing less. Especially as the night before she managed to ruin my confidence by telling me 'I had put on a hell of a lot of weight' I honestly don't know how I have put up with this for so long.

There is another way to live. I know there is. A lighter, contented and happy future that is no longer dragged down by the misery that they inflict on me. I feel a most odd sensation of not even wanting to look at my phone any longer. Like that compulsion to check has just gone altogether. Nothing on my phone interests me any longer, I have my kids at home and thats all that matters, and my lovely dh who has spent all day looking after and out for me because he could see how quiet I was, and he knows why and never presses me.

Thank you to all of the brave, intelligent and enlightened souls on here spreading your light, support and care. I really needed to get this off my chest. To be accountable to myself, and to come back when I wobble and struggle, and desperately wish for a mama. This list will help me see I am doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

OP posts:
Swishytwip · 21/07/2024 18:34

She allowed her children to be abused and now she expects you to do the same, maybe to lessen her guilt? It's incredibly hard to escape an abusive relationship but it's not impossible and I do believe that we, the abused, must take some responsibility for our choice to stay, especially when it damages our children.
You have only partially escaped so far. Keep yourself and your children safe from both of your parents.

fizzybubblywater · 21/07/2024 18:20

Watch this OP:

Its about how we will never understand narcs- the channel is about dating but its equally applicable to parent relationships and it describes SO much of what you have detailed in this thread already

7 Things Narcissists Do That’ll Never Make Sense to You

►► Stop Settling for Less in LoveGet My 10 Powerful Scripts to Easily Communicate Your StandardsDownload for Free Now at. . . → http://www.BoldStandards.com▼...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrmgwNT1_tQ

NCmybloodyfather · 21/07/2024 17:13

@Hummingbird75
If I wasn't an only child I would indeed wonder if you were my sibling!
Yes, the banal conversation is definitely done to block any exchange that may prove risky in their book. If I try and move to anything like that, my mum will literally panic. When I did it with my dad he would either pretend he hadn't heard or literally change the subject. Either that or get horribly angry and accuse me of getting at him. Even with stuff like disclosing child abuse. Somehow it was wrong to ask why he hadn't stopped it, because that was somehow unfair and mean. They've made me doubt myself on so many levels which has meant that I've put myself in dangerous situations many times because they've eroded my ability to trust my own instincts.
They have tried this behaviour with my children, which is when I saw it for what it is. I couldn't see it with me, but could with them. So my children barely see them and have banal text conversations and the occasional FaceTime (they're young adults).
But like you, I'm pretty done.
Be safe and happy x

Runsyd · 21/07/2024 15:26

My mothers response included calling me names and insults below:

Spiteful
Hurtful
Selfish
Bullying
Overly critical
Judgemental
Making her depressed
Making her anxious

Your mother is engaging in rampant projection. She cannot tolerate the idea that she embodies exactly these qualities, so she is projecting them all on you. Narcissists always project, it's a feature of their programming. They'll identify their very worst traits and behaviours and 'find' them in you.

Once you know this it can be very interesting to observe. My mother once accused me of showing no interest in her work, when in reality we spent a lot of time talking about her job. What was actually true was that she showed absolutely no interest in my career, even when I was doing well.

Ivymom · 21/07/2024 15:19

OP, have you heard of the crab pot or crabs in a bucket mentality. Basically, if you have a bunch of crabs in a pot, and one tries to climb out and escape, the others will grab it and drag it back down. Instead of working together to escape death, they ensure that none escape and they all die.

A lot of us come from families of crabs. They do everything possible to ensure that none of us break free and survive. The only way to be fully free is to get far enough away so they can’t drag you back into the pot.

Your mother spent your entire childhood installing buttons in you. She knew exactly what to say and do to get her desired response from you. Those daily messages were a way to keep hold of you. She didn’t count on you doing the work to deactivate and uninstall those buttons. The empty, love bombing quit working, so her next tactic is to try to hurt you enough that you submit. Again, she didn’t count on you having worked on yourself.

Good job loving your children and yourself enough to break free. You have made it possible for your children to thrive in a loving environment, not survive in an abusive one. Those abusive messages were ultimately a gift. It seems like they are the final straw that enabled you to see who she really is and cut contact.

Be prepared for them to send flying monkeys, in the guise of “well meaning” friends and family, to drag you back into the pot. I recommend you practice some blunt replies that lay out exactly how abusive your parents and brother are.

J97King · 21/07/2024 15:05

How utterly awful for you. I went low contact with my mother but no contact is widely recommended - there are several books on amazon about doing this, like this one. Also if you just type "no contact narcissist" into google you will get loads of free articles. The narcissist will usually try to get you back, not because they want you but for the control. It is a good idea to be prepared.https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/joshua-coleman-phd/rules-of-estrangement/9781529350821?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlt_Gu6e4hwMV0YNQBh1z2gDyEAQYAiABEgKuk_D_BwE#NGR9781529350821

Original poster
Hummingbird75 · 21/07/2024 14:45

Can I just say thank you to all of you.

I have found this thread so incredibly comforting and educational. I know others will be reading this too, and it will be helping them as much as it is helping me and my family.

I have been working through and challenging my own beliefs on here and really trying to understand why I am trapped or enmeshed in this cycle, and I know the conditioning started before I could walk or talk, and it takes time to work through. It takes time to understand the dynamics of what happened to us.

I had a big breakthrough this time, something actually shifted properly in me this time. I can see things very differently. And yes my mother's latest messages were an absolute gift to me, to see her in that light, will help me move on properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird75 · 21/07/2024 14:40

NCmybloodyfather · 21/07/2024 13:52

Oh gawd, I could have written much of this. Other posters have said the stuff I would say, about the coercive control and an inability to feel/convey real emotions beyond the false and sickly.
I just wanted to say that I'm in a pretty similar situation. VLC with abusive father but have to visit in order to keep contact with my mother, who is also very dysfunctional. She too has said a million times that she'd leave and I have always said she could move in with me and the children. But she's still there.
I also get daily random messages of ott love bombing and pictures of her garden and sunsets etc, even after an all mighty horrendous row where my dad has said/done something unspeakable.
I'm often left wondering what he would have to do for her to communicate anything other than comments about the weather and how the garden's doing.
It feels surreal and is, I suppose, a form of gaslighting.
Her response to his behaviour makes me think "is it me? Am i the problem?" despite knowing that nothing they do is normal.
I don't have much wisdom I'm afraid, just wanted to express solidarity x

Do we share the same parents!! Yours sound just like mine.

He will carry on hurting you, and might move on to your children as mine did.
The lovebombing is designed to keep your hope alive you might be able to salvage the situation one day (unlikely)

The banal conversation prevents any meaningful exchange taking place where some self reflection or responsibility might be required in my experience.
Mine is exactly that - in order. The weather, garden and very occasionally something that happened next door/down the road. Nothing more, nothing less and a steady stream of I love yooooouuu soooo much, to the moon and back. Nauseating.

You are not the problem.
Start with reading that actual book.
Put limits on exposing your children to this toxicity. You might come to regret it, as I did, it also ensures that your children stay in your sphere where they are safe. My mother consistently love bombed my kids whilst trying to turn them against me when she gave me the silent treatment. Tread very carefully is my advice. Any contact will be undermining what you are trying to do eventually (ie keep your children safe and having healthy relationships with others)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird75 · 21/07/2024 14:34

Dayoldbag · 21/07/2024 13:34

Despite those that defend your mother as a victim, and give her an out, no decent real women and mother would direct her husband to beat one child to protect another.
No decent real woman and mother would stand by for years and cook as the beatings went on.

NO.

There is no excuse for this and it disgusts me when I read excuses for it.
Women have choices, no matter how hard.
Your mother never made a hard choice.
She sacrificed you.
Her real character has finally outed today.
What decent mother spurts such vicious bile against their child, her family, her grandchildren?
A woman like your mother who has ALWAYS suited herself ultimately.

Painful though this undoubtedly is, she has finally done you an enormous favour.

She has given you the out that will help you save yourself.

Her ugliness towards your success as a mother and your precious children should give you the final out.

I wouldn't want her ever near my precious children, not for a minute.
Leave her to her choices and ultimately your brother.
She is of no use to you, or your family.

Keep those texts. Anytime you feel yourself weakening, read them and recall her vile words against your children.

Despite the utter misery and brutality of your childhood, you have persevered and built a great family and life.

Should anyone ever attempt to guilt you, forward her texts.
Her texts and her toxic bile, are exactly who she is.

You seeing it and her clearly, finally, will set you free.
You cannot change others, only yourself.
Spend your energy on gaining acceptance of what you cannot change.
That is the holy grail of a tough childhood.
When you get there, as you will, it is a blessed place.

This incapsulates it for me perfectly. All of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird75 · 21/07/2024 14:34

LurkingInTheDark · 21/07/2024 12:37

Other already said it and subconsciously you maybe do really know it yourself but, no, none of what she said is ok.

What is the point, anyway. If she truly cares about you and your well-being why say those things after she knows what she and your father put you through.

She could say many other things, she could’ve said I’m sorry but I am unable to face that, I just can’t talk about that, I don’t want to talk about that I’m sorry and other versions of that. I think that would still be bad but she actually doubled down and went on the offensive. That is not someone who truly cares about the other person, that is someone who only cares about the outcome that suits them. You already answered that in your subsequent posts but who would want that in their life?

The sarcastic comments about your family. I imagine that might also be jealousy shining through, trying to mock the good family you do have as she knows she never had that herself. Again not something someone who cares about someone would ever do.

Show quote history

And that it is what it boils down to isn't it.

If you love your child and the relationship in a place where it is possible to talk through any issues, acknowledge the difficulties or differences and really try to work on things you would never send such hateful messages.

Tbh I could never even see my children in that light - it wouldn't occur to me to even think those things about them much less say them. It could never insult and degrade them, and harm their little families and try and shatter anything that is good about their lives. It takes a certain type of person to behave so viciously towards their own child, and not one that has a heart overflowing with goodness and love.

So yes I completely agree. These are not the messages of someone that values our relationship or even cares at all about happens to it, and now I know why.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread