What on earth is my mother doing??

Abuse and trauma changes the brain. Your Mum has had decades upon decades of this. While I think we all expect women to put their children first, I think with the way in which abuse impacts people, it sadly is just not that simple.

You deserved better @Hummingbird75 . I wish even if your father couldn't, then your mother could have put you first. I do wonder if her messages are a way to let you know how much she loves you even through in person those things are so hard for her given all she's endured.

I can imagine her sending these messages to you whilst in the toilet. I guess your dad has controlled the narrative and told her you were the one who wouldn’t be kind on the phone call. It’s hard to see your being abused whilst being abused. I really empathise with you I am very lucky to be alive too after a near terminal diagnosis and my ‘mother’ didn’t bother with me, despite me reaching out. I think you’re doing the right thing keeping your kids away from your father. I know how much this hurts and I’m sending you so much love.

My advice would be to mute your mother's account on WA. You'll still get the messages, she'll still get the double ticks but they won't turn blue until you want to read (if you ever do) the messages she sends you.

You're not cutting contact but you are protecting yourself from the controlling messages.

If you wanted to you could let her know that she is welcome to call you but you're no longer going to be keeping any messages she sends you and you will be deleting them. Put the ball back into her court so to speak.

I agree with others, I think you need to respectfully ask her to stop messaging you and, if she won’t, block her. I assume she knows where you live so in an absolute emergency she can contact you and you can of course leave the door open to a proper relationship so long as she is prepared to meet you at your house and leave your dad out of it?

God knows what she’s doing. Could be guilt, could be that she’s kidding herself that the messages make things ok, could be that her ideas of how to show love are completely off. I don’t think you’ll ever really understand so better to manage your own life than search for meaning.

I’ve a narcissist for a ‘mother’, enabling grandmother and a late grandfather who was violent (never towards me, I was the ‘chosen one’). Almost everyone is now cut off and I’ve had to grieve for living people because I needed to do the best thing for my children.

My only question is why are you continuing to allow your mother any contact? Surely allowing violence to happen to children is just as bad as being violent in itself. As a mother, your only instinct is to protect and it doesn’t seem like either parent protected you.

She feels guilt.
she wants you to tell her it’s okay you don’t mind. She was a great mother.

she wasn’t.
And the uncomfortable truth is SHE is now manipulating and controlling YOU

she forced you back into contact you didn’t want to assuage her guilt and is now angry that when her husband couldn’t meet you1/10th of the way you said enough is enough I don’t want to do this.

now she sends these shitty messages so just like her….you have no peace.

its fundamentally wrong.

no decent mother would do this.

she doesn’t give one shit about your needs.
her priority order is:
her husband
herself
some other stuff
you

i wouldn’t be offering her a home of r cottage or anything else.
you cannot help a drowning man who doesn’t want to be saved

She’s again putting her needs above yours - these messages are her ‘proof’ that despite allowing and enabling abuse of her children and grandchildren over decades she is a ‘loving mother’, which she needs to feel despite rejecting you and your requests. You have articulated your needs - for some personalised contact - and she is refusing it.

It is this constant daily reminder that she doesn’t listen to you and respect your boundaries which must be upsetting. I would ask her one last time and explain you love her but can’t keep getting upset by daily declarations of endless love whilst being simultaneously ignored. Then you might have to block on WhatsApp for your own wellbeing. I am LC with my own mother because of childhood trauma, and I could not cope with daily messages triggering me.

Yoive done nothing wrong in protecting yourself and your DC.

She's as guilty as your awful "D" father because she's been too passive her whole life. Block them both. If he dies would you even go to his funeral? Under such family circumstances I doubt I would.

Being cynical, the only reason she's messaging you this guilt ridden crap every day and trying to keep you onside is she realises when he dies she'll have noone to care for her. And she probably thinks by keeping you sweet you'll bend to her requests.

Words are cheap, actions are what really counts when the chips are down. She's certainly never acted as a supportive mother should. Watch her send you flying monkeys when "D" F dies. She'll reap what she's sown!

I think @Namechangeforthis88 has nailed it.

She's doing her best to reach out because she loves you. But she's lost touch with how to do it in an authentic , natural way. Her emotional expression has been flattened and distorted by a life spent with your father.

I'm so sorry, this sounds really hard.

Being a cynic, I think she sends the messages so she can tell herself that the lack of relationship is all your fault, and that she couldn't possibly do anything else/more to fix things.

I think your choices are:
A) block her and accept neither of them are allowed to bring this negativity to your life.
B) respond to each text with something per pp messages, or even decide something that would really make a difference and be doable, like "if that is true, please can we meet at X place not Y". And just send the same reply each time, putting the ball back in her court.
C) carry on ignoring them, but I'm not sure this is sustainable long term...

This.

I would block both of them.
You really don't need them in your life.
They are awful.
Both of them.
Have you siblings ?

She has enabled his abuse for years, and is even now taking his side. She will not change.

The messages I would read as self pity - she says she loves you so much but you don’t want to do what she tells you so you’re to blame. They are not an expression of true feeling, but of self pity and an attempt to manipulate.

Hi op - I suggest you look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - I had a terrible childhood and your mother is an enabler and codependent. I’m not sure what your mothers choice was given the year you where born - I was one of 7 in the 50s my mother had nowhere to go but she wouldn’t have left him anyway. She continues not to respect your boundaries. You have asked her not to text you but she still does. I ask her again but suggest you say if you do not respect my boundary I will block you.
you are obviously wanting a mother you never had - it’s painful - you need to become your own loving parent (which you seem to be) you are protecting yourself from HIM and your children - you need to deal with her. 🌺

You did the right thing keeping your children away from your father , it's a shame your mother couldn't do the same for you , she enabled your abuse. She is as bad as your father.

She doesn't know how to be a mother and hasn't done what a mother should. She still doesn't know how to be a mother and is still doing things that a mother should not. At some point in life you get a revelation that your parents are not and will not ever be what you want them to be. They wont love you more than they do or respect you more or put you first. You can't change them. It's quite liberating. You can therefore chose to carry on having contact with this manipulator who really does not see you as particularly important part of her life that is worth fighting for, and who is damaging to your own life or you can step away without guilt. And then if she wants to be in your life, she now needs to prove to you that she's worthy. NOT the other way round.

Having lived with your dad for decades, hearing all sorts of emotionally bizarre, devoid and controlling things, your mum won't have a good grasp on reality. Like you grew up thinking that was a normal childhood, she's lived her life thinking that's a normal relationship.

You can't take your mum seriously at this stage.

Sadly, I'd be giving up hope. I'd probably text her back, saying that you're pleased she's made peace with the situation but you can't and won't be around your father. That if she ever wants to talk, she's welcome round on her own but that no amount of words will change your mind.

I hope your father passes soon, for all your sakes, you and get an opportunity to rebuild your relationship with your mum.

He will be controlling who she calls and when.

Over the years he will have totally worn her down. You don't know what he says to her. The control is so complete for women like this it's like brainwashing.

My mum was even controlled by my dad when he was in a home with no hope of ever going home. It was absolutely in her head, she still didn't see her family because he didn't like her doing that. She knew every response he would have made to every thing she did.

Op, I really have a lot of sympathy for you. I am a lot older than you but my father was similar. My mother really thought she was owed one big happy family and would not leave him despite being financially independent. Really she was his enabler.
After my father upset one of my children when they were young, I stopped seeing him. This meant my mother only visited occasionally but that was her choice.
Really as a mother, it was your mother’s job to protect her children and she didn’t do that. Although after I cut contact with my father, my contact with my mother was less that was her decision not mine. It does get a lot easier as the years go on. I might sound hard but this was the best thing for me. I have a sister who also felt the same way.

Her behaviour is shaped by by a lifetime of abuse. She's still living with her abuser. You had the strength to get out. She didn't. I think it's her way of letting you know that she loves you without him knowing. Maybe her texts are the only thing that she still has control over because they're silent.

I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care

She doesnt care, it's not that it seems that way, she literally doesnt care. I know thats a horrific awful thing to accept but it's true. Think about whether you could do that to your kids? if the thought of it makes you feel sick then think about what that says about her.

She is just as bad as he is. They're both completely toxic and I am so sorry.

I think your mum is and has abused you emotionally.

I think there's probably truth in the pps that she is herself a victim of abuse and may not know what a healthy relationship looks like. But I ultimately think it doesn't matter. The op isn't obliged to allow her to continue to abuse her.

You could try a final message - that if she does love you she is welcome to demonstrate it by restarting contact, but that otherwise you can't continue to receive her messages. Then I'd block her. I suspect she won't change, at least while your father is alive.

Ultimately, you are protecting your dc, and you need to protect yourself too, because sadly the people who should have protected you haven't done so.

OP I am sorry you didnt get the parents yes parents both of them that you deserved and needed. Enough now ..time to let them both go. Put an end to this situation it is ruining your life.Only you can do this. Choose to live freely would be my advice.

I'd imagine your Mum can't contact you now, because you stood up to your Dad, so she is now the only way he has of getting to you, and punishing you for that. In an ideal world she would leave him, but after so many decades of brain washing it doesn't sound like she is able to do that. It is awful for you, but I can't imagine it is great for her either.

As PPs have said, she's sending those messages for her, not for you, so she can paint you as the unreasonable one, and possibly so she can tell people that she contacts you every day but you don't respond, you've tried to force her to choose between you and your Dad, which you haven't.

I think you need to block her on WhatsApp if she refuses to stop the daily messages and if she won't meet you. Let your aunt or brother know you've done it, and why, and ask them.to let you know of any news you need to know re he health and well being.

You are putting your kids first in a way she didn't, it's awful to have a mother who won't protect you, but you've come through it and should be really proud of the person and parent you are.

When my Mum does this (similar situation, less extreme), I think she's telling me what she'd like to feel. The kind interpretation is that she's so fucked up by her very difficult life that she doesn't have the capacity to actually feel, beyond a very limited range of habitual responses. Life is so hard, she's shut down. I can feel sorry for her, but also enraged at the choices she made for herself and for me.