What on earth is my mother doing??

She's abusive too and your role is to be the family scapegoat. You were given this role because they both sense you are strong - stronger than them - so you can take it. Neither of them are capable of loving you in the way that you needed and deserved and this is not your fault. You are re-traumatising yourself by constantly seeking what they have consistently demonstrated they are emotionally incapable of providing. You are protecting your children but it's time someone - you - protected you

Your father's control has damaged her and I sympathise with her in that respect, but even with that in mind she is still responsible for her actions. She allowed your father to abuse you all those years ago. When he transferred his abuse from her onto you she allowed it.

The messages she sends you are for her, not you. They make her feel less of a cunt (sorry to use this word in relation to your mum, but I can't think of any other word right now) but her behaviour is fucking appalling. She doesn't know how to love anymore (if she ever did). Love is action, not words.

If you are anything like me (and countless other adults who were abused as kids) you may think this is all your fault. It isn't. Save your decency and loving kindness (which you miraculously have in spades) for yourself and your children.

This is a common dynamic when there is one violent, abusive parent and one parent who enabled the abuse. And make no mistake: that's what she did. Beyond not leaving the situation, she made no attempt to shield you or your DC from his abuse. She enabled him.

I'm prepared to bet any sum of money you care to name that when you bring up specific acts of his abuse, you get some combination of: 1) I don't remember that, 2) it wasn't that bad, 3) you weren't perfect either, 4) you never see his good side, 5) he did that because he loved you. Simply put, she cannot cope with the reality that she has comprehensively failed you as a parent. It's not compatible with her own belief that she is a Good Person and a Good Parent. And as she can't resolve the cognitive dissonance of her self-image is as a Good Parent and the fact that your father abused you and she enabled it, she resolves them by minimising and deleting the abuse from her mind and by performing her idea of Good Parent. Since you won't let her perform Good Parent in Intact Family in person, she performs it through these texts, despite the fact that you have actively told her they upset you. They aren't for you. They're to prop up her self-image.

She was abused, yes. But she abused you too. She is weak and she let you down. There is nothing you can do other than take care of yourself as best you can. If you have never had any therapy around your relationship with both parents, it might be very beneficial for you, and would give you a supportive environment to discuss how you want to handle your relationship with her going forward, and whether you want one at all.

Willows has got it right in one.

Is your brother supportive? Does he have a relationship with your father and was he abused as well during his childhood?

If she is still in contact with him he can pass on any important news (but make it clear that is hospitalisation level only).

You have already told her the pointless texts are upsetting you and she continues, there is no point in engaging further - she won’t change. Give her a final warning - ‘mum I love you, but if I get another message like this I will block you. If you change your mind and want a meaningful relationship you can reach out via….’

Then surround yourself with people who do love and value you.

I 100% agree with this

Block her.

The pp saying 'she loves you very much' don't know what they're talking about. She just wants to be seen as a good mother. She wants to be able to say, I don't know what the problem is, I messaged her all the time, I did everything for her. It's just gaslighting.

Well done for protecting your kids, OP. I'd go a step further and protect yourself and your family from your mum, too.

Just to add I also agree with the PP who cautioned against offering her a home

It'll appeal to the idea of "rescuing mum" and building a more loving relationship, but with the level of damage to her and fully justified resentment from you it would almost certainly become thoroughly toxic

As ever that doesn't mean you can't support her to access carers, supported living or whatever, but I'd avoid her actually living with you at all costs

OP, I have been through something similar, and the replies you have received have helped me too. You said you felt you had been sacrificed by your mother in order for her to stay with your father. That is exactly what I felt. That I was sacrificed. And it's such a headfuck.

As mothers we know how we feel about our own children, and it seems impossible to imagine what our mothers are doing to us. It goes against nature, convention - whatever you want to call it. I still can't get my head round my own mother's behaviour and I still feel very hurt.

I suppose I have tried to rationalise it by saying to myself she is weak and therefore I should feel sorry for her. But actually, what I feel is deep, deep disappointment in her. And I hate that feeling, because it makes me feel awful, and as if somehow I am the one who has failed. I am the one being judgmental, etc. It is indeed, a massive head fuck.

I'm sure your mother loves you but she is a poor parent and she would be happy for you and your children to endure your father's unpleasantness so that her need for family "togetherness" can be met.

Just don't see her if she won't meet you away from home. Personally I would reply to the messages with a "love you too mum" and leave it at that.

The people pitying the mother obviously don't know what it's like to grow up with abuse.

She DOES have free will, she is making a choice. She acknowledges the hurt caused and is trying to assuage guilt by sending these messages. The messages serve no purpose but to make HER feel better.

If she loved you, and cared, she would have got out, or would work to make amends properly with you.

Mums can be awful people, on mums net people don't seem to always understand that, there's this narrative they're always loving, and it can't possibly be them that's causing harm. People with lovely Mums also seem to give all Mums the benefit of the doubt.

Women can be abused AND also be abusive.

It’s your dad. He’s using her to get to you.
She never managed to get away. You have.

My dad, who is difficult, but not remotely like yours, sends similar messages. I think he has no idea that his behaviour is wrong and the sending of the messages helps him to feel like he’s doing his best to maintain the relationship.

I think your mom is trying to make herself feel better by sending those messages. It allows her to feel like she’s somehow in the right. I’m sorry your family is treating you so badly. Honestly, I think cutting off contact for now is best. Maybe your mom will have a change of heart after your dad dies and repairing that relationship may be possible.

Have you ever lost your shit with your Dad? Really went to town on him like he did. Use some of his words back to him? It’s very liberating to get to the point where your abuser knows they have no power over you and that they experience your contempt.

She is abusing you. A different way to him but still abuse. If she wanted to leave she could, you’ve given her a way out but she won’t take it. She contacts many other people but not you even though you’ve asked her to. She continues to send messages that you’ve asked her not to. I think she’s punishing you for not having the relationship with your dad that she wants. To me she’s saying they come as a pair. You’ve been strong so far to protect your children and now you need to be strong and protect yourself.

So right @whatevss "It’s also okay to grieve the relationship you wish you had with your mother. She may not be capable of giving you the support and love you need, and that’s a painful reality to face"

It's a sign of being a grown up when you realise this. And actually it is like a burden has been lifted because you don't need to fight any more to change her.

As someone who's trodden this same path I believe you're very wise and also very insightful, Hummingbird75

Though of course it's deeply hurtful to you, your mother's cornered herself into a position where appearances mean all in a hopeless pretence of a normal family life, and while she'll know it isn't the truth acknowledging this would involve indicting herself and the choices she's made

I agree with PPs that you may see a very different woman if he goes first, but whether there'll be enough left to salvage by then is unknowable, so probably all you can do is try to make peace with the fact this is what she's chosen and to allow time to take care of the rest

I’d say that your mum does deeply love you in her own limited way. It’s a love that’s so limited it looks like hate sometimes in practice - the fact that she passively allowed your dad to abuse you and so on. She hasn’t been able to change and I can see how those messages feel sickly. It’s the total disconnect between her actions and words. I don’t know what her childhood or whatever was like, but it’s as though she isn’t capable of loving you in the way you need to be loved - by protecting you, putting you first, not allowing you to be abused. Although my situation is very different from yours, I’ve experienced that disconnect too of being gushingly told repeatedly how loved I am and then being treated as though I am absolutely not loved. I’ve had to just accept that this person is so damaged this is the best they can do. I think you just need to massively lower your expectations of your mother and continually remind yourself she is too damaged to love you in the way you deserve (and perhaps even if the way she herself wants to.) You can’t trust her but I don’t know if that means you should cut her off completely.

A good mother would be saying to you to run far far away from this toxic bunch of people (including herself) and be happy and free away from memories of the violence and hurt of your childhood. She should be making that sacrifice for you because that would be in the best interests of you and your children and she would want you to be happy no matter any effect on her. Selfless and unconditional mother love.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It sounds incredibly painful and confusing. From your story, it seems like you've faced a lot of trauma from both your father and your mother’s complicity in his behaviour. Your feelings are completely valid, and it's understandable why you would feel confused and hurt by your mother's actions.

I agree that it seems like your mother is trying to maintain a facade of normality and love without actually engaging in meaningful, supportive behaviour. The daily messages may be her way of alleviating her own guilt or trying to convince herself (and you) that she’s still a loving mother, even though her actions don’t support that.

Her refusal to stop sending those messages despite you asking her to indicate she’s prioritising her own need to feel like she’s doing something over your actual emotional needs. It seems like she's trying to keep a connection, but it's a very shallow and possibly self-serving one.

You’re not missing anything in the situation; it sounds like you’re seeing things very clearly. It’s important to prioritise your own mental and emotional health. If her messages are hurtful and she refuses to stop, you might need to set even firmer boundaries. That could mean not reading the messages or even blocking her number if that’s what you need to do to protect yourself.

It’s also okay to grieve the relationship you wish you had with your mother. She may not be capable of giving you the support and love you need, and that’s a painful reality to face.

Ultimately, you deserve to feel loved and supported in a genuine way. Don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children from further harm.

Dorothy Rowe said - if you have one abusive parent, and the other parent doesn't protect you, then you have two abusive parents.

I feel sorry for your mother because she is obviously such a victim. But the hurt and pain and abuse has to stop somewhere. You have done the right thing for your children, and for you- although I appreciate how painful this must be.

I had an abusive step father growing up and my mum allowed it to happen for my entire childhood before she finally kicked him out. It was too late for me by then, damage done.

The relationship I had with my mum after was strained but when I became a parent myself, I was even more disgusted with her. As much if not more than with him.

I could never, ever allow a man to treat my DD the way your mother allowed your father to treat you. Your mother is also abusing you, she is not listening to your needs, she is thinking only of herself, she is manipulating you. She does not deserve you.

I would block all of them.

Your mum enabled your dad and now, by continuing in the WA group and receive those repeated messages, you are enabling your mum to maintain her self image as a loving, supportive mother.

an OP suggested telling your mum that her words don't match her actions. I think this is an excellent phrase. I'd send her one final message along those lines, saying that until her behaviour is as loving and supportive as her words you will removing yourself from the group and blocking her messages.

My mum was an awful parent but towards the end of her life she would send similar, effusive messages and greet me with over the top endearments. It was awful, it felt so fake and dysfunctional and completely papered over the huge faults in our relationship.

Apologies, I haven't had time to read the whole thread bar your updates yet, but I'm just wondering how his health is now? Is he maybe close to the end and she's getting her ducks in a row with you?