What on earth is my mother doing??

Sometimes when people have made a decision to do something that is unpopular with others (in this case to stay with your dad) they want others to “join in” with that to validate their decision. The thing is that you don’t have to feel obliged to do that
It’s also said that forcing contact of any kind (your mum’s daily texts) is an abuse of sorts

I’m afraid it sounds as if your dad is still very much in control and only your mum can change that

I have no advice OP but you sound like a fierce mother and an astonishingly strong individual.

For what it’s worth, I think you are already mourning the loss of your mother to you even if she isn’t dead yet. I wonder if once you accept that, going completely no contact might be something you can contemplate.

I absolutely cannot imagine ever doing this to my dd and if it were me, I would just not have any contact. Leave the pair of them to it. You have a loving family to spend your energy on, not wasting it getting upset with her over something she will not change. As for your father, you did the right thing. Live your life and let them live theirs.

Wtf!! I would find your mothers behaviour unforgivable. I understand the complexities of controlling relationships. I'm sorry but your mother was complicit in allowing your father to physically abuse you. My love and inherent need to love and protect my child would override any fear I had.
Sorry you had such wicked parents but now is the time to free yourself and go nc.
Much love to you ❤️ 🫂 x

The oft-quoted serenity prayer is worth remembering. Mute her on WhatsApp. Your peace of mind is valuable and you are not responsible for your mother's circumstances. It is legit okay that you are stronger than your mom; it may be her best legacy to you. Look after yourself. x

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

My mother protected him from most of my Dad's abuse and rerouted it towards me, I took a lot of hits for him in our younger days and we were solid right up until the point I decided in my early 30s with my own children to consider that enough is enough.

Wow.

Why do you love her Op?

If it wasn't your Mum would you have cut them off years ago?

If so-why is so little expected of your Mum but more of others?

Your Mum (and your brother) have fully bought into your family of origin script that controlling other people within the family is acceptable behaviour. So is avoiding reality and glossing over abuse, people do this in families in order to achieve homeostasis and maintain status quo because emotional work and facing up to dysfunction is very hard work and often holds up a mirror to your own failings - which people don't like. I would look up systemic family therapy and family scripts to try understand some of your family of origin dynamic. Only when you understand it will you also get that there's very little influence you can have on such a powerful force.

I was your mother for close to a decade, my exH was physically abusing me but like you the absolute worse behaviour was the coercively control and psychological abuse, he liked to call me fat knowing I was a recovering anorexic and he blamed my childhood sexual abuse on me saying 'I make people who love me hurt me'. There is nothing to be done with people like this. They are broken and so is your mother. The minute ex started to take it out on DC I was out of there - because they didn't deserve two broken parents. You don't deserve two broken parents either. You will not regret cutting these broken people out, trust me. In fact, you won't fully heal until you do.

@Hummingbird75 are you sure these messages are not your Dad and some sick game. Are you close to your Aunt? Could your Aunt check that your Mum is sending them?

Abused people do have less free will than non-abused people but should still take responsibility for their own actions.

If someone is in a cult where they are brainwashed and abused and they allow their underage child to be raped by an older man, they are just as much to blame.

I don’t think being in an abusive/ coercive relationship is an excuse to abuse or allow abuse to happen.

Your mum chose her relationship over protecting her kids.
She was a bad mum because she allowed the abuse to continue.

You are a very kind person to still be in contact with her at all.

But it comes across as she is the one manipulating and trying to control you.

If I was you I wouldn’t go completely NC but I absolutely would start making some of the rules.

Do not reply to her messages unless they are actual texts.
Do not meet at her house, if she doesn’t want to meet elsewhere then don’t go.
You don’t want to see your dad and so she needs to stop trying to guilt trip you.

She wants that kind of relationship with you but doesn’t know how to deal with your dad. He is the problem, by the sounds of it, is a very nasty cruel man.

(My brother) was always, and still is, golden bollocks as I call him. And can do no wrong. My mother protected him from most of my Dad's abuse and rerouted it towards me

Hang on; I posted last time before seeing this, and unfortunately it suggests an element of choice on her part I perhaps hadn't fully appreciated

Though as said she's undoubtably damaged herself, this makes her own abuse of you even worse and it's certainly something I'd be laying on the line to your mother - not because it'll do any good with her, but simply to underline what you already know: that you're absolutely justified in your own choices

Typo

She is a narcissist, your brother is the golden child, you are the scapegoat. It's classic triangulation. She loves/approves of you only insofar as you provide her with narcissistic supply by playing along with/gratifying her inflated self image. When you threaten that image by daring to be honest (you are the healthiest person in the family) you are punished with the silent treatment (which is the worst punishment she can imagine as she herself thrives on attention). Her messages do not express caring for you they are an empty self-serving performance of devoted motherhood. I can see why you are disturbed by them. She won't change or see your point of view I would go NC and you will need to find away to reparent yourself and give yourself the love you are craving

You have completely done the right thing as far as both your father and brother are concerned.

Why are you struggling so much with your mother?

You know what you need to do. Yes it is sad but you should have zero guilt, even the fact that you were willing to allow them both back into your life speaks volumes. You sound like a really lovely person despite everything you have been through and a wonderful mother to your child.

End this cycle of abuse today, once and for all.

I agree with this. I grew up with a similar dynamic, only without the physical abuse, and my mother opted to stay with my (step)dad even though she knew it was harmful to me. I was kicked out of home 'to keep the peace' as soon as I turned 18.

Your mum has made a choice to stay with this awful man, and to be his 'flying monkey', and part of that choice was to sacrifice her relationship with you. Perhaps she feels that he 'provides' for her and you don't or whatever, but ultimately, it's a selfish decision. She's trying to compensate with the love-bombing - mine does this too - but it's meaningless. It's just to make her feel like a good, loving mum, because deep down she knows she actually isn't.

I want to be kind about your Mother, but I cannot.
She flung you under the bus as a child. She was the only one who could have stopped the abuse, and she didn't.
You were the stronger Mother, and refused to allow your children to be abused.
How ever sweetly, she has tried to shove you right back into your childhood position, with a 'plus one'.
She knows he has not changed, and yet is trying to persuede you to allow your Father to continue his abuse of you and your child.
I am sure there are many psychological reasons why your Mother is doing this, lots of labels, but really, she should be telling you to keep away from him, and seeing you when she can.
Protestations of love mean nothing without the acts.
I am so sorry for you, build a family around you, people who show their kindness and love. I wish you all the kindness possible in your life from now on.

If I stop messaging I may lose her altogether, and that might be for the best, but makes me so sad.

If I continue, I feel I am being abused.

Yep. It's really sad. But you are the only one who can stop the cycle of abuse. If you want it to end, you have to be the one to end it. Which means ending contact with your mum.

It's not fair and it's so sad, and you deserve so much better. But it is what it is.

OP, I just want to say: well done. I know it's been awful, painfully hard, that you still struggle with it, but your strength has been incredible. You have fought for yourself. You have fought for your DC. You have recognised that both of your parents abused and failed you, you haven't internalised their failure. You have protected yourself from your golden-child collusive brother. You are amazing.

I think you might benefit from psychotherapy OP, if you feel able.

My gut feeling is why do you want to see your mother? You seem to think it's a given. It's not compulsory. She has behaved appallingly.

You sound like a great mum - well done for separating from your father and not allowing your children to be abused by him.

Unless I get back in line she will withhold her love. This does not feel like a result of my father but a steadfast decision that I must do as she wants

Once again you're quite right, though I suspect she's clinging onto this form of control because she's so damaged that it's the only type of influence she has

There's a difference between "pitying" her and understanding how she reached this position, but none of this negates the point that you need to prioritise yourself now - and as said, that may involve reaching an acceptance that itt's simply too late for her to become the mum you deserved

It's desperately sad of course, but then family issues sometimes are, and all we can do is attempt to find a way forward which brings us as much peace as possible

You sound like a brilliant mum. It takes a huge amount of strength to do what you are doing but you are giving your children what you never had, a mum who protects them from harm.

Archive the chat with your mum and set yourself a time once a week where you check the messages just in case there has been any change.

I think your mum will keep sending them because it is her daily lie that she is a good mum. I'm sorry but she isn't going to change. She has let you down badly and the time to leave was when you were being abused as a child. She isn't going to leave now.

Know that you are putting your children first and limiting your contact with her is helping you be the best mum you can. The guilt will always be there I'm afraid to say but stay strong.

The one thing we can be sure of is that she is not doing this for the sake of the OP, as the only show of love she an manage, because if this were the case she would respect the request to not do it and to communicate in a meaningful manner.

If you have to, you can send a genuine text from the toilet as easily as a self-serving one. But I don't believe this is the real truth.

She chose this abusive man over her children time and time and time again - that takes a certain type of person. The type of person who would then try to manipulate her abused daughter into having contact with her abuser because they 'come as a package'. To assuage her own guilt and keep up appearances.

I am less optimistic about her behaviour after your father's death than others on the thread, OP, as when you stand by an abuser you are condoning the abuse at best and are complicit at worst. I do believe she is also abusive - and your update about the golden child brother confirms that.

Protecting my child was the only reason I left my abuser - and that was to protect him from witnessing the abuse. It took a long time to overcome the guilt of allowing him to see it even once (I'd lied to myself he didn't know what was happening up to that point). A mother who doesn't protect her child from actual abuse? That's no mother at all.

Love is actions, not words.

She's trying to save face and appease her conscience. "Well it's not MY fault she won't contact me. Look, I tell her I love her ALL the time and she refuses to contact me or her father. It's nothing to do with the fact I'm insisting she and her children voluntarily sign up for more abuse, no it's all HER FAULT."

Well said. Not all mothers are caring and not all mothers are good.

Someone can be a narc or a horrible person and STILL be a victim of abuse. It's not as if only "nice" or saintly people can be victims of abuse- ANYONE can be a victim of abuse, regardless of their character and whether they are at their core a decent person or not.

I know people have a hard time recognising that but it's the truth. Your mother is definitely a victim but that doesnt mean she is a good mother or a decent person by any means.