What on earth is my mother doing??

I totally understand how you feel. I felt like this when I split up from my husband and realised that I actually was truly alone in the world, because my dad is dead (not that he was a great dad either tbh) and my mum and stepdad have never been the parents they should have been. I ended up seeing the doctor and getting antidepressants (sertraline) and I'm not going to lie, that has really helped me. I know it isn't for everyone, but in my case, it stopped me freefalling into a despairing place and helped me to feel strong enough to realise that I am enough. I've got my kids and my friends - and also my brother, in my case, who I adore. I AM the family. So are you, with yours. That's what your identity is, it's what you've created and not what your parents say/think it is.

The difficulty is accepting this from the two people in the world that were supposed to love and care for me unconditionally. Letting go of that is massive. It leads to a place of free fall and what do I have, truly have, if I don't even have my own parents love or affection? It is very hard to face. That I was born without someone ever looking out for me. It is bleak to say the least

Yes, it is a monumental thing to accept. But currently, you are playing a game that you will never, ever win. You are seeking safety and reassurance and love in a place that is inherently unsafe and never EVER will be safe. Think of letting go of that rather like being plunged into one of those ice water tubs. Yes, it will be painful and yes it will be hard but compare that to the chronic drip drip drip effect of constant disappointment, constant let downs, constant rejections of your love over and over again. Sometimes, a massive hurt is preferable to a chronic low level stabbing that continues over a very, very long protracted period of time. You know it's coming and you live in fear of it happening over and over again. In fact, then even the anticipation of it becomes agonising so it's not even periodic, it's also constant and unrelenting. That is far from an enjoyable place to be either.

You arent alone in being rejected by your parents but can you re-frame it as an acceptance that DESPITE the fact you dont have your parents affections you have managed to overcome it and you have managed to be a wonderful parent to your children. That is a huge, brave and courageous accomplishment so take pride in that and the fact that from grey ashes you have risen like a phoenix. The fact your parents dont give you love isnt a reflection on you, it is a reflection on THEM and it is a testament to you that you have chosen to behave differently towards your own children.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us.

Are you saying your mother allowed him to physically abuse you?

She's lived for years in a traumatic and abusive situation, quite possibily she's tolerated this because she grew up in a similar environment. She's emotionally shut down from years of abuse and unresolved issues of her own, plus complex feelings of guilt and shame about what you went through.

She is unlikely to change, unless she gets help to unpick her own issues, she's kind of 'stuck' with the level of emotional development and ability to express herself that she currently has. You don't have any responsibility to fix her though and it might be that going low / no contact with her gives you the best chance of healing and being there for your own kids.

…what do I have, truly have, if I don’t even have my parents love or affection?

Op, you have, and will continue to have the love , affection and bond with your own children, whom you have worked so hard to protect.

And, you have the admiration of this, and I am sure, many other MNetters.

OP, you are amazing, I really admire the huge strength you are displaying in order to protect your children from this horrendous situation. You probably don't feel brave, but you are! You are stopping the cycle. Your parents have so much to answer for. I really wish I had the answer, but just wanted to let you know that you are amazing. Please look into specialist counselling, as I really don't see this as an easy solve. 💐

OP the waters seem to be getting a bit muddied here with debates around how culpable your mum is. That's irrelevent. You grew up as her dependent not the other way round and both your parents have failed you and your children. The only way that you're going to break this cycle of abuse is to prioritise the needs of the children who now depend on you. Put them first. Don't let them anywhere near this shit show again. The only people that you owe anything to is your children. Please remember that

Your mum isn't much better for enabling this nasty man. IMHO. It is hurtful to be no contact with your family but he is even horrible to your own kids, Stay away and keep them away. You don't want them to suffer as you have.

I think you are very inspirational. The way you have managed to protect your children is truly something you should be so proud of

She enabled your abuse as a child, she did not protect you. Now she is trying to perpetuate the abuse by refusing contact in a safe way, trying to persuade you to have contact with the abuser, and not respecting boundaries that you have asked for (the daily WA). I don’t think she is worthy of that much head space from you anymore, you don’t need to protect her. Your responsibility is for yourself and your children. You have protected them, they are not subjected to this anymore. Now you just need to realise that you deserve to be protected too 💐

I am sorry you have not received the loving support and kindness you deserve from your parents. As some pp have said she may shift once her husband, the abuser, dies but be prepared that she may just want to keep the narrative of a happy family/childhood going and never acknowledge how terrible it was. She may never be able to admit how horrible it was because then she will have to accept that she let it happen. Don’t take on her burden. Protect yourself.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this awful situation OP.
Having read the whole thread I don’t see any point in us debating the reasons for mum’s current behaviour, she is what she is, and she’s not going to change.
OP has done brilliantly in protecting herself and her children from her dad’s abuse and as I read her post she’s seeking advice as to what she can do about the stalemate that’s been reached in trying to establish some sort of relationship with her mum.
It doesn’t matter that the general view here seems to be that no contact is the way to go as I get the impression from OP’s comments that this is a step too far for her, even though she recognises that mum was complicit in dad’s abuse and did nothing to protect her from it. She wants to find a way of rebuilding a relationship within her boundary of absolutely no contact with her father (which I agree should be non negotiable in view of his past behaviours) and her mum’s insistence that dad comes as part of the package. Add into the mix her brother and his view that she should forgive and forget and there isn’t much room for her to manoeuvre.
The option to go no contact could be the right one but I don’t see it giving OP any peace of mind currently. Plus her mum and brother being what they are could easily throw such a decision back in her face when dad dies.

I have no experience whatsoever of counselling but perhaps this is something that might help OP to reach the right decision for her.
As to the current daily WhatsApp messages there have been some excellent responses suggested along the lines of actions speak loud than words and for the time being it might be best for her to respond like that on repeat rather than block communications altogether.
This is a situation that has been years in the making and I would hate OP to make a hasty no contact decision on the basis of what appears to be the concensus here.

@StopStartStop - because you're a better person than him. He cannot fathom the notion of doing something for someone. It makes no sense to him. It's almost sad - what a wasted, hollow life he's had.

I don't have any advice but I do identify a bit. Currently I'm death-bed carer to my father who never loved me and still doesn't. We're only 'speaking' (minimally) because he needs me. I do everything for him now. Everything. And he looks at me as if to say 'You? Wft are you doing here?' But as I've told him, there's no-one else.

Being with an abuser serves a need in damaged people. When you are the victim, you are always in the right, you garner sympathy and attention - and for a narcissist, that's manna from heaven.

The trouble with narcissists is that they tend to see others not as people but as props or an audience. You're either useful (you give the sympathy and attention they need) or you're not.

I think you should be IMMENSELY proud of yourself for:

• recognising that dynamic
• removing yourself from the dumpster fire of a situation
• finding the strength to protect your children - despite having no role model on which to base that, no model of what a health parent-child relationship looks like
• still finding it in your heart to care about your mother

You're an absolute inspiration. Capable of great love, despite never having received it. Your children are so lucky to have you.

They're absolutely performative, OP. Think about it: there's nothing personal about them at all. They're someone else's cookie-cutter words, copied and pasted repeatedly, in the face of having been told that you hate the messages. They are pure performance with nothing genuine about them at all. It would be one thing if, say, Guess How Much I Love You had been a special book to the two of you and you'd often exchanged those words through your childhood and she knew you appreciated the reminder. But none of those things are true. It's fake and self-serving.

Deep in her heart of hearts she knows she is a bad mother. But to admit that would cause her world and her psyche to crumble. Hence the performance, for her own benefit.

With respect, there are people like the OP's parents in EVERY generation. This has nothing to do with the generation mentioned using a derogatory term in that article. We should all be aware of what can happen if we cross paths with these people, as it can - and has - ruined lives.

@Hummingbird75 i would archive as well as mute her on WA. Muting means you still see them in your inbox; archiving as well puts them straight into a separate folder, then you can just go into it and check them once a week or whatever. Swipe the message to the left and the archive and mute options come up.

If you archive your mum on WhatsApp you won’t see the notifications at all. Then once a month your partner (? Sorry I’m not sure if you have one but you said you were modelling a healthy relationship so I think there is someone) can read the messages. If there is anything important he/she can tell you about it.

You can’t save your mum, no-one can. You can only save yourself.

Not necessarily play her at her own game. The idea is that if she uses the messages to lie to herself, you answering will either make her stop messaging or she might start answering you, ie an actual exchange instead of her daily copy paste.

I come from an abusive background and share some parallels with you.
You wouldn't be a 'bad daughter' for walking away. Protect yourself and your family. I know you've done that before and put tlup boundaries, but try and do it again. You deserve better and your mum and dad are very, very emotionally immature, like my parents.
If you don't mind me saying, YouTube videos about immature parents (be careful what you watch, but there is some very good stuff: Jerry Wise, Doctor Ramani, Kati Morton, AJ Mahari) help me through.
Your mum and dad are being deeply unfair, as are mine. I had to cut contact after my psychologist advised me to and it was the best thing to do. There is also something called 'trauma bonding' that you might want to look up.
If you don't mind me saying, I think therapy might be very useful to you so you can realise your worth and see the way forward better.