What on earth is my mother doing??

Hummingbird75 · 2024-07-18T07:05:48+00:00

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB. My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper. He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened. Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning. Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age. Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health. My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world. There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done) Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care. What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly. I don't FEEL remotely loved by her. The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time. I am so confused. What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me? It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it ^seems^ like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all. I have no idea what I should do about this now. What am I missing about this situation?

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 27/07/2024 07:04

It is helpful that I have had my own genuine health crises some of which were life threatening over the years, and she has not rushed to support me or be by side. On occasion she hardly bothered at all to even text - although she always eventually texts to get the low down as this is useful to share with others.

My conscience will be clear if anything happens to her, I was a child when some of this happened to me and I barely saw her at the hospital (my father couldn't take time off apparently, so she had to care for my brother and spent a lot of time redecorating)

Hell could freeze over and I wouldn't go the way I feel at the moment.

OP posts:

Ivymom · 26/07/2024 16:06

The “health crisis” is so common in situations where someone limits or cuts off dysfunctional relatives, that it has a slang name. It is often referred to as “Christmas Cancer”. As a coping mechanism, I’ve seen people make up bingo cards of the different reactions to them stepping away from the relationship and actions to get them back in line. They then set a prize to reward themselves with once there is a bingo.

Turfwars · 26/07/2024 15:32

You are probably spot on that she'll initiate a health crisis. Your instinctive reaction is to respond, however try to hold firm. She's not alone, she's got him and your other sibling for support.

Speaking from experience as I think I'm a similar age to you, there will come a time when those emergencies are genuine, and you can't allow any guilt to be placed on you in those moments either by anyone.

I'm not responsible for my DM's health. Or responsible for being at her side when she's feeling poorly and lonely. I choose to give her more care than I was ever shown as a child, but if I feel overwhelmed at that, I know I have the choice to step away, guilt free even if it's her last moments.

Dayoldbag · 24/07/2024 20:57

Or channel that shame to fuel "no more".

Shame isn't always a negative emotion if it propels us to do better......

In your case to make the conscious decision to let go of your family and their toxic power over you, for you to FINALLY choose YOU and your family.

That to me is "shame" as a hugely powerful source of positive change.

Ohnobackagain · 24/07/2024 18:46

@Hummingbird75 your DM will never see the wrong she has done because she has normalised her relationship with your DF and you. Therefore you have no option but to accept the relationship will never be what you want. I think deletion is probably the closure once you have got to the long-term block. Sorry to say that. And well done for getting this far.

diddl · 24/07/2024 18:21

I do feel some shame around the fact she has leeched so much energy and time already...

Try not to.

Your abusers are the only ones who should feel any shame.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 18:15

UniversalAunt · 24/07/2024 15:29

‘I realised today, and I am rather ashamed to admit that I have wasted too much time already focused on the situation with my mother…’

That painful moment of realisation now can pass. Take the wisdom, relief & freedom that sharp pain of shame brings. You are not that sad neglected hurt child who had no choice, you are now an adult woman rapidly gaining insight & making your own choices.

@Hummingbird75 you are a brave bird & many a MNetter walks with you on your journey wishing you all the best, for there is so much good ahead of you.

Thank you! I am hoping I will become a tough old bird by the time this is over 😃

I do have the sense that I have been under this/her spell for far far too long, and although it ebbs and flows, so some months and years there is a barely a ruffle, I am painfully aware that I have been controlled for a very long time, and the bad days can be awful and it has impacted my family - it must have done. And certainly my poor dh. It is time to let go of it all. Send it off with love and my mother now needs to be responsible for herself and her life. I have put up with too much already! I do feel some shame around the fact she has leeched so much energy and time already...

OP posts:

UniversalAunt · 24/07/2024 15:29

‘I realised today, and I am rather ashamed to admit that I have wasted too much time already focused on the situation with my mother…’

That painful moment of realisation now can pass. Take the wisdom, relief & freedom that sharp pain of shame brings. You are not that sad neglected hurt child who had no choice, you are now an adult woman rapidly gaining insight & making your own choices.

@Hummingbird75 you are a brave bird & many a MNetter walks with you on your journey wishing you all the best, for there is so much good ahead of you.

bridgetreilly · 24/07/2024 13:59

It’s possible she sends the messages because she needs to believe she is the sort of mother who loves her children more than anything, even though she clearly doesn’t show that in the way she treats you.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 13:26

Runsyd · 24/07/2024 13:15

Yes, you have. I think in a deep psychological and spiritual sense, you need to grow up. I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it sounds, but all this hankering back and nostalgia is the mindset of a child.

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I don't think it is unnatural to want a loving relationship with my own mother, nor to wish my children had a grandparent (they now have none, as my in laws have died) It is reasonable to be sad about that, but not so it over shadows mine or their lives. You will be glad to know I am doing a very good job of not allowing that to happen.

OP posts:

Runsyd · 24/07/2024 13:15

Hummingbird75 · 22/07/2024 08:03

Yes - and that is a total blessing. I can spend more time enjoying these things with my own children now I am not hankering after my own mother. I have more time now, as they enjoy spending time with me.

I realised today, and I am rather ashamed to admit that I have wasted too much time already focused on the situation with my mother 😔

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Yes, you have. I think in a deep psychological and spiritual sense, you need to grow up. I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it sounds, but all this hankering back and nostalgia is the mindset of a child.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 10:05

BeanThereDoneIt · 24/07/2024 09:37

‘she is having her needs met within that relationship with my father in a way I can not fathom. But she is choosing this for herself.’

This really resonated with me. It’s something I’ve had to accept about my own mum who has also actively chosen to remain in an abusive relationship with my dad.

It took a huge amount of work to reframe how I viewed my family and my past but it has been incredibly freeing to reach the point where I no longer feel responsible for her happiness and well-being. It’s not our job! Our mothers are fully grown women who have options and have actively made choices for themselves. We can’t control them, we can only control how we react. It’s the hardest thing to accept though, and it comes with a grief at the realisation that you’ll never have the mother-daughter relationship you deserve.

Hold on to the love you have for and from your children: that’s what you’ve created for yourself, that’s the family to focus on now.

To me my mother's relationship looks unbearable.

To her though, he is a constant. He does all of the house work, cooking, cleaning and gardening. He pays the bills and is reliable.

Yes he has an explosive temper, yes she has lost most of her friends and family over the years. Yes he abused her children but that was then and this is now in her mind. Yes he hit her but didn't everyone back then? Yes he constantly puts her down, bullies her and intimidates her but she can ignore him and tune out. She just sits there and zones out whenever he starts, and has perfected the ability in five and a half decades. My mother has bargained with herself to stay where she is, because ultimately she chooses to stay married to my father. And this is my mother's right, to choose who she lives with, where she lives and how she lives. It is not for me to tell her otherwise.

I have said when asked that she is in an abusive relationship, I have reminded her she always has a home here with us or with others. She knows all of this and she is quite happy to stay where she is. I respect her choices, she is grown woman and should not be coerced by me to leave.

However, sadly that is not enough for her.

She also wants her children and grandchildren to tolerate his abuse and to live with his explosive temper and nasty bullying. She wants all of us to bargain away our safety and well being so she doesn't have to lose us as well. That is where the difficulty lies. I will never accept him around my children, or around me. I have the choice also, and I choose to be away from known abusers, the difference is that she does not respect my choices, and expects me to toe the line. Her line.

OP posts:

Scotsmum1 · 24/07/2024 09:42

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 07:53

I never had any self worth to find, it was taken away a long time ago. I am just building up my self worth and self esteem now brick by brick from nothing.

It may sound incredulous to someone that has had normal parents and a normal life - why can't you just leave? Well to leave and stop being a 'doormat', you need to be aware of it in the first place!

With parents that systemically abuse you from birth, it is completely normalised. For me it was normal for my father to hit us and lose his temper. It was normal for my mother to gas light me and tell me he loves me anyway, even as he hissed that he hated us. It was normal for my mother to make us feel sorry for her, and to tell us to keep quiet for her, and this is all so hard for her. I learnt to prioritise her feelings over my own, to meet her needs and suppress my own. To look after her, as I didn't matter. The 'doormat' isn't a lifestyle choice I have made, it was forced on me when I was tiny and unable to choose. It is like a life time of grooming if you can imagine it?

I was conditioned and abused, and not given the choice - no child ever gets to choose their treatment or how much love they are given by a parent - one has to just hope the parents are decent and do the right thing. In my case they were not.

In the same way that a woman can't leave her abusive husband as she can't imagine life outside of the abuse, so this happens with parents and their children as well. The only difference being that hopefully the woman will have had some idea of what love felt like before her relationship, and possibly a supportive family too - well I didn't have this to lean on. I have no experience of unconditional love. So 'ditching them' is not as easy as you make it sound. Trust me.

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This is an amazing reply considering how glib and lacking in insight the comment was. All credit to you for so patiently explaining exactly how it life is lived in the alternate reality that is an abusive relationship: completely baffling to outsiders.
It makes me think of addiction, there would seem to be some parallels. The addict’s power of choice has gone because the feedback loop in the brain has been rewired to prioritise the continuation of the supply above everything else, including (and especially) those nearest and dearest. These unfortunates are nothing more than fodder as the illness takes over, collateral damage, as they are sucked into the quicksand of codependency. Codependency can be seen as a form of addiction itself and those affected also have to learn to change regardless of the outcome - which you seem clearly to be on the pathway to doing - well done.

A side note: do not imagine for a second that working in this field gives you protection against it. I have seen many professional like you who are confused at being wrong-footed. It’s ok. You know it now and you can rebuild. Your boundaries are in place and you are protecting yourself from slips. You have gained the insight and understanding that you need. This becomes your new protection.

A close family member of mine was in an abusive relationship and despite all the help, advice and support she was given, only managed to break free when she was ready to see and hear for herself. It ended in court with her giving evidence from behind a screen. I myself was in an abusive marriage for 23 years - the doormat just referred to previously - that’s how long it took to pluck up enough courage to leave. (And as an addendum, some ‘friends’ who had been urging me to leave, then switched sides once I did, so be prepared for some blowback maybe?).

You are absolutely on the money when you say that you had no self-worth to find. It would be fatally easy to slip into blaming now, yourself included. Don’t.
Revenge, resentment or bitterness - these things have no place in your future. You are such a compassionate person, you deserve the best. Go and get it.

BeanThereDoneIt · 24/07/2024 09:37

‘she is having her needs met within that relationship with my father in a way I can not fathom. But she is choosing this for herself.’

This really resonated with me. It’s something I’ve had to accept about my own mum who has also actively chosen to remain in an abusive relationship with my dad.

It took a huge amount of work to reframe how I viewed my family and my past but it has been incredibly freeing to reach the point where I no longer feel responsible for her happiness and well-being. It’s not our job! Our mothers are fully grown women who have options and have actively made choices for themselves. We can’t control them, we can only control how we react. It’s the hardest thing to accept though, and it comes with a grief at the realisation that you’ll never have the mother-daughter relationship you deserve.

Hold on to the love you have for and from your children: that’s what you’ve created for yourself, that’s the family to focus on now.

Comtesse · 24/07/2024 09:33

This is really really big. Shedding the programming is so hard. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 09:19

Mix56 · 24/07/2024 09:03

OP, Its been 50 years of suffering.
Respect to you for surviving, & now moving on to indifference.

There will be flying monkeys, be ready.

I'm glad the women on MN have, (for the most part) helped you wade through your miserable broken family morass.

Close that door & enjoy the future

Oh yes the monkeys will come. Guaranteed.

Fortunately for me I have barely any contact with extended family (most distanced themselves from my parents years ago) and I don't have any contact with my sibling for that matter, so it will be minimal.

My mother usually becomes her own flying monkey with a very convenient health crisis being the most likely reason.

OP posts:

VickyPollard25 · 24/07/2024 09:06

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 07:53

I never had any self worth to find, it was taken away a long time ago. I am just building up my self worth and self esteem now brick by brick from nothing.

It may sound incredulous to someone that has had normal parents and a normal life - why can't you just leave? Well to leave and stop being a 'doormat', you need to be aware of it in the first place!

With parents that systemically abuse you from birth, it is completely normalised. For me it was normal for my father to hit us and lose his temper. It was normal for my mother to gas light me and tell me he loves me anyway, even as he hissed that he hated us. It was normal for my mother to make us feel sorry for her, and to tell us to keep quiet for her, and this is all so hard for her. I learnt to prioritise her feelings over my own, to meet her needs and suppress my own. To look after her, as I didn't matter. The 'doormat' isn't a lifestyle choice I have made, it was forced on me when I was tiny and unable to choose. It is like a life time of grooming if you can imagine it?

I was conditioned and abused, and not given the choice - no child ever gets to choose their treatment or how much love they are given by a parent - one has to just hope the parents are decent and do the right thing. In my case they were not.

In the same way that a woman can't leave her abusive husband as she can't imagine life outside of the abuse, so this happens with parents and their children as well. The only difference being that hopefully the woman will have had some idea of what love felt like before her relationship, and possibly a supportive family too - well I didn't have this to lean on. I have no experience of unconditional love. So 'ditching them' is not as easy as you make it sound. Trust me.

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You explain this so well and so eloquently. I think the question itself completely lacked empathy and understanding, so bravo you.

Mix56 · 24/07/2024 09:03

OP, Its been 50 years of suffering.
Respect to you for surviving, & now moving on to indifference.

There will be flying monkeys, be ready.

I'm glad the women on MN have, (for the most part) helped you wade through your miserable broken family morass.

Close that door & enjoy the future

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 07:53

Ilikeadrink14 · 24/07/2024 01:01

What I can’t understand is why you have been their doormat for so long! Find your sense of worth and ditch them for ever!

Show quote history

I never had any self worth to find, it was taken away a long time ago. I am just building up my self worth and self esteem now brick by brick from nothing.

It may sound incredulous to someone that has had normal parents and a normal life - why can't you just leave? Well to leave and stop being a 'doormat', you need to be aware of it in the first place!

With parents that systemically abuse you from birth, it is completely normalised. For me it was normal for my father to hit us and lose his temper. It was normal for my mother to gas light me and tell me he loves me anyway, even as he hissed that he hated us. It was normal for my mother to make us feel sorry for her, and to tell us to keep quiet for her, and this is all so hard for her. I learnt to prioritise her feelings over my own, to meet her needs and suppress my own. To look after her, as I didn't matter. The 'doormat' isn't a lifestyle choice I have made, it was forced on me when I was tiny and unable to choose. It is like a life time of grooming if you can imagine it?

I was conditioned and abused, and not given the choice - no child ever gets to choose their treatment or how much love they are given by a parent - one has to just hope the parents are decent and do the right thing. In my case they were not.

In the same way that a woman can't leave her abusive husband as she can't imagine life outside of the abuse, so this happens with parents and their children as well. The only difference being that hopefully the woman will have had some idea of what love felt like before her relationship, and possibly a supportive family too - well I didn't have this to lean on. I have no experience of unconditional love. So 'ditching them' is not as easy as you make it sound. Trust me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hummingbird75 · 24/07/2024 07:39

ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/07/2024 16:07

@Hummingbird75 A small thing from the many wonderful words you've written, but this:

'If I am all of those things on her list, then she no longer needs to put up with that, she is free of it all.'

resonated with me because I felt that self-justification, which I think is born of hurt, guilt & anger, only in my situation it came out as:

You always chose your husband above me, you always told me he came first (& I came nowhere) & you loved him & could never leave him & he was all you ever wanted - well, I'm leaving you in peace so now you've got him, it's what you always wanted, just the two of you - enjoy!

There's a feeling of revenge about it, of schadenfreude maybe, because I knew she wouldn't be happy with him. She'd lost her human shield, she had nothing to offer up to him & hide behind. She would get him full force now. But that's the choice she made.

The best revenge is to live well, so they say, & the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. But right here, right now, you need that moment of turning things back on her in your own mind, & I celebrate the fact that you've reached this stage of your journey.

The awful things she has said about me, I know they are completely untrue and she is projecting and lashing out because she is furious with me for calling my father out again, and stepping out of my forced silence. I have realised that I have been muzzled by her for a very long time. I didn't even get around to challenging her on her own behaviour and abuse, but that is okay, I can see it now and that is all that matters.

I realised I may have moved physically away from her, but mentally and emotionally I was still caught in the web of domestic abuse. Without being too outing it is my line of work, and it shocked me that I could not see my own emotional 'Stockholm Syndrome' as I attribute it to abusive partners and not parents. I assumed it was the natural love and loyalty I have felt for my mother, and not conditioned and prewired responses.

I have been up and down and occasionally tearful the last few days, as the whole thing has come into sharp focus and I can see just how badly I have been treated. I feel very sad for the child I was. Deeply sad.

I then swing from doubting myself and saying it was not that bad (denial), and how evil am I to turn my back on my elderly mother (distortion) to something approaching rage that this has happened to me for nearly FIVE decades and I have been totally powerless and unaware. I feel a tiny bit afraid of her now, as I don't know who she is anymore. I had this idea of who I thought she was, the mother I loved, and she is not that person at all and it is disconcerting.

So you can say the wool from my eyes has been truly ripped off, and it is an exposing and shocking feeling to be confronted with who she is actually is, and the power and control she has had over me for so long.

There is a big shift taking place, my old mindset would have been in so much emotional pain at being cut off again from her, and wondering how I can fix things with her and ease the wounds. This time I have no intention or desire to run back to her as I would have done in the past, there is a cold indifference setting in. I have never felt indifferent before. I have cancelled as much as I can this week whilst I am dealing with this. I obviously still need to work, but everything else has to take a back seat.

OP posts:

Ilikeadrink14 · 24/07/2024 01:01

Hummingbird75 · 21/07/2024 19:40

Yes that is absolutely right, her list reflects her behaviour towards me perfectly to a tee. I have only ever treated her with respect, and dare I say it exasperation sometimes when she doesn't listen to me (re the love bombing messages) but I don't see her in a negative light, and mostly I have felt very protective of her and her feelings.

I am feeling calmer at the outlook now. I have planned things I know are likely to hurt, like her birthday and Christmas, so I won't feel too bad.

I know the most likely moment will be when one of them suddenly becomes 'seriously ill' and all this will be is a ruse to bring me back in line. I have blocked her now, I have actually deleted her number so I will never feel tempted to message in a moment of weakness. I won't be going to them whatever happens.

It really is for the best for her and for me.

She won't need to feel her loyalties are in any way compromised any longer, she can now be true to their cause unhindered. She no longer needs to worry about me asking when she will visit or can I please have a phone call occasionally. Or compromising her by coming to see her. She is free to join my brother and father fully and be true to herself for once. She can say honestly to my father now that does not have a relationship with us any longer, I am sure it will make her life easier.

If I am all of those things on her list, then she no longer needs to put up with that, she is free of it all.

For me the benefits are even bigger. I won't have to feel sad every day when I get an emotionally manipulative message. I won't have to feel triggered. I don't need to try and make the relationship work and all of the heart ache that caused when the effort was never returned. I will have more energy for the relationships that are fully investing in me, and those that truly love me. I don't need to see another week, another month and then six months pass and she still hasn't as much picked up the phone. I no longer need to call her, and feel her quietly enjoying the fact I care more than she does. I will no longer lie in a hospital bed and wonder why she has decided this is the moment 'she can't cope' with me being ill and gives me the silent treatment for weeks in end, because she can't deal with 'stress' of any kind. Or feel that horrible lonely feeling of thinking she will text me and ask me how I am, and she never does, no matter how seriously ill I have been.

I don't need to live in fear of my father hurting me, or coming out of his house in a rage when I am collecting her from the road. I don't have to have panic attacks by the side of the road, or be physically sick at the thought of seeing their house or running into him any longer. I don't need to feel the dread of the visits for a full week at least before they happen. No more strained conversations about how painful this all is.

My kids don't like her, my dd had said she was horribly manipulative over my father's illness when he was in hospital (my mother made it all about her, full theatrics in front of the kids for days on end). I can breathe and enjoy my life without being dragged down by the past, I can cut it all away like a cancer. I never ever have to look at my father's rage in his eyes ever again, and see his yellow crocodile like teeth glinting in a smile that tells me he is ready for fun and I or my kids will soon be in deep trouble, and I go into a stress response trying to anticipate what he might do next.
I can stop looking over my shoulder, or panicking when the phone rings. I never have to go to the funeral and try and try to think of something nice to say about a man who abused me relentlessly, and has never felt any remorse. I can't think of a single endearing thing to say about him.

I don't need to have a spotless car, a perfect dress, a slim frame and a perfectly made up face so he doesn't criticise me openly to my face, and insult me and tell the world I am letting myself go, I can be myself as I am with other people. Dirty car and all. I stop being my mother's gossip fodder to her sister and her one friend. She will no longer dig around for terrible health news so she can have the enjoyment of picking over my pain at 7pm when she settles down for her evening call. She will no longer know the good news, but especially I am no longer serving her up supply that can be converted into the hard currency of attention for her. It stops today. I have always felt my life was simply a way for her to garner attention from others, she never actually cared if I was going to live, if I was suffering and in pain. I can take down the photo of her at my wedding in a full bright red sequinned wedding dress she ordered for MY wedding. I can still remember the look of abject horror on my lovely mother in law's face when she saw it. She never said one word to her credit. To my credit, I expected nothing less. Especially as the night before she managed to ruin my confidence by telling me 'I had put on a hell of a lot of weight' I honestly don't know how I have put up with this for so long.

There is another way to live. I know there is. A lighter, contented and happy future that is no longer dragged down by the misery that they inflict on me. I feel a most odd sensation of not even wanting to look at my phone any longer. Like that compulsion to check has just gone altogether. Nothing on my phone interests me any longer, I have my kids at home and thats all that matters, and my lovely dh who has spent all day looking after and out for me because he could see how quiet I was, and he knows why and never presses me.

Thank you to all of the brave, intelligent and enlightened souls on here spreading your light, support and care. I really needed to get this off my chest. To be accountable to myself, and to come back when I wobble and struggle, and desperately wish for a mama. This list will help me see I am doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

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What I can’t understand is why you have been their doormat for so long! Find your sense of worth and ditch them for ever!

Sarahzb · 24/07/2024 00:07

Wow. There's an Irish thing , where you say
I hope you die roaring.
Not very Mumsnet but
Horrid person

Scotsmum1 · 23/07/2024 21:54

I have nothing much to add here except to say I am in awe of your growth in such a short space of time. The insights you have achieved are simply amazing: well done, and keep going. As others have said, you have a long road ahead of you, but I have no doubt you will pass through the coming trials a stronger, wiser person in every way. Grieve as much as you need to, it is a profound rupture that you are going through. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself, it won’t be linear or predictable but you have already gone through fire, you are far stronger than you can possibly realise.
There is a 12 Step organisation which is specifically for Adult Children of dysfunctional families, which is another resource that may be of use.

And never forget how utterly brave you have been just coming on this forum of total strangers to reach out for help. I have been saddened reading about your trials at the hands of your biological family, but heartened beyond belief at the outpouring of support and empathy. It has restored my faith in humanity. Sending you many gentle hugs and positive thoughts for your future.

Escapingafter50years · 22/07/2024 23:06

I'm sorry for you @Hummingbird75 but not surprised. Sadly your mother's behaviour is all too familiar to me, and I think the therapist who suggested she was a covert narc was spot on. Now you have caused her a major narcissistic wound (I did the same) and the real her has appeared - just for your pleasure though, to others she will play the victim, as she has done to you. For most of my life I had sympathy for the insensitive bitch that was my adoptive "mother", I now know I was literally programmed to think that way and deny the actual truth that was in front of me, that her "love" was conditional on me behaving exactly, completely and utterly as she had decided, and I should ignore her abusive behaviour because I must have deserved it. My self esteem was non existent.

I'm not sure if I mentioned the Stately Homes thread in my previous post, but please do have a look. I have found lots of very useful resources and they are listed there and in this link "Resources for people affected by narcissism":
https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vQZzvS5II81azTybktz1ThTjVMdrWlaIvKwLxIfJ5XSeZw7f50zd7FqYN92IlTXyK-J9Z14ATxfU6MX/pub

You have a hard, up and down, road ahead of you in coming to terms with this. Do be kind to yourself, you didn't cause this awful situation. You were an innocent child being abused. There is no excuse for that. You may learn what damage from her childhood caused your mother to act that way, but it still is not excusable. You will find other people telling you she did her best. Do not listen to them. They did not live your life and they don't get to excuse what was done to you. I wish you the very best in dealing with this and well done on opening your eyes to what has been happening.

Resources for people affected by narcissism

https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vQZzvS5II81azTybktz1ThTjVMdrWlaIvKwLxIfJ5XSeZw7f50zd7FqYN92IlTXyK-J9Z14ATxfU6MX/pub

LookItsMeAgain · 22/07/2024 16:37

@Hummingbird75 - be gentle with yourself over the next little while because what is happening now is that you are going to be going through the stages of grief. Not because someone has died but more that something has died. That is the hope that your mother and family could at the very very least be polite and kind towards you and your posts from last night have shown that they can't and will never be that way, so you are going to be grieving the loss of that hope, the hope for the life that you thought you might have.

Don't give up hope though as there is still many many different options of a life you may have for the future - think of this like a fork or junction in the road, you have a map for what is behind you and you can decide which way you want to go now but you have to leave the u-haul that you've been bringing with you at this point. You can go ahead and it's all an adventure and you get to spend it with the people that love and appreciate you now.

Sending you lots of positive vibes for the journey ahead.