To be annoyed about this question

Thats very kind of you, thank you. It's been a horrible year.

Sorry for your loss. I think people are trying to show sympathy, it's very hard to strike the right note.
Some bereaved people welcome the opportunity to talk through what happened, other people prefer to keep things private. Unless you know someone very well it's hard to know which way they'd prefer it.

We have conversed in various occasions over the years gamerchick, to wryly chuckle at something, or to politely agree or disagree, and I recognise your name as a sensible, empathetic and funny poster (whereas I am a cowardly name changer). But somehow it had passed me by that you have lost your daughter. I'm a bit mn/generally old school so won't @ you and be intrusive, but just to say - I'm so sorry life has dealt you that shit hand.

It goes without saying that I totally agree with your post on this thread too.

Peace and love to you xx

If you are talking about your loss, then people will ask about your loss. If you don't want them to, then don't introduce the conversation. There are ways around it if you need to say something, but you don't have to specifically say someone young died. You can say "due to bereavement" "family circumstances"

People will reflexively blurt out “oh no, what happened” on hearing someone has died, especially if it’s a young and/or previously healthy person. It’s not purient interest, it’s just being human. They have to acknowledge the statement in some way - it’s kind of dismissive to respond “oh, I’m so sorry to hear that” and simply move on awkwardly to another topic or end the conversation. Obviously it’s perfectly OK not to want to elaborate further and you can say that. Sadly nothing anyone says will be the right thing in this situation. Sorry for your loss.

My sibling died as a child. The question doesn't annoy me (although obviously the loss is not a fresh one). People are often thrown at hearing such things and if they ask, I accept they're showing natural curiosity and following the convention of a reciprocal conversation, perhaps even showing deference towards what was a sad and unusual event. Equally, they might move swiftly on, because they feel awkward and don't want to upset me or be perceived as prying. I'm quite matter-of-fact about answering on the rare occasions it comes up in conversation.

My mother, although a lot older, died in a more dramatically sudden fashion. I remember people asking me in hushed tones "what happened??" and I had the oddest urge to reply, completely deadpan, "It was a magic mushroom overdose. If I told her once, I told her a thousand times..."

People don't know what to say but want to show compassion and interest."How sad" or "oh well" doesn't sound like an appropriate reply, too abrupt.

They are trying. It's generally not a big deal, and saying it was accident/ illness is not that private.

Elderly people, it's more expected - just as sad, but not surprising. A 75 year old is unlikely to be a carer. A 40 year old might have a family to support, young children.

Sorry for your loss OP.

A young and not previously ill person dying is unusual, whereas an older person is "normal" and usually illness. People are enquiring because they care. I find it a little odd you didn't say why/how they died.

As someone who suffered childhood parental bereavement, I know people often find it very difficult to deal with other people's loss.

I remember once being told a neighbour had passed by her husband, in shock I blurted out 'oh god, you're joking!' he earnestly said he wouldn't joke about such things. Of course I was horrified to have said something insensitive by accident.

I think people almost fear death so much, they immediately want to know how likely it might be to affect them? Like, 'did they die from a disease I have/might have? Was it a complete accident? Is there another pandemic? Were they ill for a long time? Will I suddenly drop down dead, will my family etc?'

All these subconscious things about life preservation go round in people's heads when death sadly occurs.

It's not logical, but people struggle with the whole concept so severely.

I really hope you have plenty of support if you're going through a bereavement. X

Because in some cultures it would be perceived as rude not to enquire. Generally people are trying to respond respectfully and offer space to discuss or not.

A simple suddenly for example would indicate shock, I planned. After long illness then respectfully acknowledgement of that challenge may be appropriate.

It isn't details as such it is to identify appropriate response..

I am very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP, whatever the circumstances it's never easy.

I'd always hope such a question is coming from a place of kindness, or at worst neutrality. When we say someone died "unexpectedly", I think that's the crux - it wasn't expected, so in the most basic of terms there probably wasn't an obvious illness / health concern that we all knew of, or of an age where it would be realistic. I think its human nature to then try to figure something out, piece together the unknown.

Of course, that doesn't take away your right as the bereaved to choose not to share detail, either because you don't want to for whatever reasons or as another poster suggested with her friend, that your person wouldn't want their private / health information shared.

For what it's worth, I was the visitor once to someone who was bereaved, not quite in a professional capacity but similar. I knew they'd had a "sudden & tragic bereavement" but nothing else, not even whether anyone living with who i was visiting was similarly bereaved. I expressed genuine condolences, and she asked me if I knew what had happened, I said "no, wasn't my place to ask detail before - but happy to listen if you want to talk". She did - and told me of her child, their life, troubles etc. She didn't say an explicit cause of death - I could probably have guessed - but that doesn't change her grief or the situation she's now in.

So, I suppose that's to say, hopefully no-one is meaning to be genuinely intrusive with the question - and that you can have conversations where you can talk of your loved one in a way that's helpful to you. But also that you'll undoubtedly feel rage or anger - even in situations others say is OK, and its OK you feel angry.

This. I agree, when someone dies young it's against the norm so perfectly understandable that people would ask how and the circumstances

I am very sorry for your loss

People are interested in causes of death. We're all going to end up with one of them eventually. When my daughter died people asked and I told them. Better than them thinking they commited suicide, which is where the mind goes I think. Being young goes against the natural order and more of a shock I think.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. It's a difficult time when it's raw especially.

I'm sorry for your loss, its obviously still raw for you 💐

I was the complete opposite and was most put out when people just offered condolences and showed no further interest.
I think it's very difficult when faced with an earlier death than expected, especially when there has not been a lengthy illness, and people just don't know how to handle it.
I was very open and just thanked people then told them what a shock it was that DH literally dropped dead one day despite being (what we thought was) super healthy. I just thought it not only nipped any wild thoughts in the bud, but helped drive home how precious life is.

Try not to take it to heart OP, it comes from a good place x

I am so sorry for your loss. I knew when my son died in an accident aged 22 I had to tell most of his friends that he had died and it was only natural that the next question from them was "what happened" and I had no issues telling them that he was hit by a car and it made it easier by being open and honest with everyone even though yeah nobody needed to know I suppose. I think it made it easier for people to know what they could or couldn't say to me in what is already a very difficult time for me and my family and I needed all the support I could get. I will say though that however you deal with your loss is very valid and it's up to nobody else to tell you that you aren't doing it right, I made it absolutely clear that I did not want any sympathy cards or flowers or people telling me how sorry they were or how awful it is, it made me irrationally angry because of course I bloody knew how awful and shit it was I didn't need people turning up with sad faces and cards. I do realise though that people do feel the need to reach out and comfort others and that maybe I wasn't being very fair on the people that wanted to do that and I did apologise for being a bit cold about all that but ultimately it wasn't on me to let people do what they wanted at my own expense. It's a very difficult time and you will find your patience for people and things is very low and people piss you off more than usual. I have no words to make any of this better because there aren't any but I'm thinking of you xx

I think people feel it's rude to be silent. As it's mentioned to them, they feel like asking is having empathy. Happens to me all the time.

Never thought of it as rude, if a little intrusive.

It's only natural to ask why and empathise as a young person dying is against the natural order.

I can't imagine anyone asking with bad intentions but I understand why it's not something you want to explain and feel like people are being nosey.
I'm sorry for your loss.

It's a natural question, imo, and not meant as intrusive at all. Of course people wonder what happened, when someone dies young.

If you don't want to say, just say you'd rather not say. I'm sure nobody would bother. But I don't know why you'd be secretive about it. If someone knows someone who has died, it helps to get closure when they know what happened.

I am sure it was meant as an oh how awful what happened rather than an oo how intriguing tell me all the details way.

How are they finding out about it in the first place, though? Are you telling them?

You can't drop that kind of bombshell into a conversation and then expect people to assume you don't want to talk about it.

And people don't have to be affected by someone's dead to be interested, in an empathic rather than nosey way.

When an elderly person dies it's to be expected. When someone young dies, it's not and so there's a story behind it. Humans have a need to understand in order to have a sense of completion themselves. Whether it makes any difference to their lives - yes and no. The act of telling can help us come to terms with it too. But saying it out loud makes it real and sometimes we're not ready for that - even years later. Sorry for your loss OP

I'm sorry for your loss. It's a fairly normal question though as part of a reciprocal conversation. What do you expect them to do, ignore what you've said and change the subject?

You don't need to disclose the exact details- they died after a long/ sudden illness or an accident etc.

Also - too much around death is taboo, so frank discussion is to be encouraged IMO. And often the bereaved find it helpful to talk through what happened, I don't think signalling you're willing to talk is a bad thing.

People don't know what to say OP, and when we don't know what to say we often fall back on a question. I'm sorry this causes you more pain. But everyone's different and other people (me included) wouldn't/didn't take it that way when asked. Personally I was just grateful people engaged with me at all, as the hardest for me were those who got away as fast as they could because they didn't know what to say and avoided me afterwards.

I was about to post along those lines. Hearing such news generally throws people off balance, so they tend to just blurt something out.

The vague responses above are perfect if you don't want to go into it. I'm not sure that variations on 'it's none of your business' are deserved, but hopefully the person will have put it down to your grief.

I'm very sorry that you've lost someone dear to you.