Feeling pressured to take DS' girlfriend on holiday

Goodness me! I'd have been having stern words with my son the first time I could hear them during sexual activity!

What with 11-year-olds in the house, never mind I don't want to hear it!!

How disrespectful.

Imagine that on holiday..... ugh!

This is a very good point!

From my perspective if the adult dc ask then it’s important to them so their partners should be included. Ds is 18 and off to uni in September. If he asked I would allow it, but he is an adult about to move out.

However I do think 17 is a bit too young. I’ve recently witnessed a very messy break up between two of ds’s friends. They had been together since they were 15 and both sets of parents had welcomed the other child with open arms on holidays and to stay over every weekend. The parents thought they were doing the right thing embracing the relationship, but they became like a very young married couple who were almost expected to settle down together after uni. Eventually the young woman’s feelings changed and she ended it during their A’ level exams which was distressing and hugely disruptive to both of them. They also decided on the same first choice uni so they could be together which complicates things even further.

One of the parents told me that she felt it was far more of a wrench to both because they had spent so much time together. They were more worried about being overbearing parents and he was (is!) a nice boy so didn’t foresee a problem. She said that with hindsight it was obvious that they were too young and their ‘relationship’ shouldn’t have been treated in the same way as an adult one. That’s not to say gf/bf shouldn’t be invited over or spend time together but I think we have to help teens put appropriate boundaries in place to protect themselves and their futures.

If I could afford it, I’d definitely ask DS if he wanted to invite her. She sounds like a nice girl so this could be your opportunity to get to be comfortable around her. And your DH has a point; it frees you up to do all sorts of things if you have a built in babysitting service. You never know, he might not even want her to come. But I’d ask.

Yanbu. It’s a family holiday. You want to be able to enjoy and relax on your holiday and say you can’t when she’s around. Also, relationships at that age are unpredictable, they could break up after you’ve organised all the logistics for her to go - both awkward and costly. Don’t feel bad.

I would address the loud sex, it’s highly disrespectful. If I behaved like that at 17 my parents would have chucked me out. How awful for the rest of the family to have to endure.

Are you planning on renting a car/ have you already rented a car? Three youngsters in the back is fine, but where will you put the fourth? Seatbelts etc?

I agree a lot with what’s been said. I would be interested to hear at what point it’s expected that kids will not want to come on holidays without partners? Or it would be unreasonable to not invite them.

Obviously 17 is different to 23 which is different to 30. When would you think that not inviting partners is strange (if ever!). Or is it more after getting married/being together for x number of years?

I met my boyfriend when I was 17, and 8 weeks later went on holiday with my family. I enjoyed the holiday, but I also wished it away so I could get back to see my boyfriend. When we went on holiday again two months later he came with us and it was really lovely.

He's now my husband.

However we didn't have noisy sex in earshot of any of my family!!

I wouldn't invite her. They can go on their own holiday separately if they're that bothered. And your DH is being ridiculous saying it's rude not to invite her.

Maybe he could stay home and have his gf to stay you might have a very grumpy teen if you don't invite her. Could she come for part of the holiday then you get some time with ds on his own and he can look forward to her coming. I get the not being able to relax when she is there even thought you like her

You don't have to bring her. I went on holidays with a friend when I was in secondary school, we didn't bring her away after. Another friend went on holidays (an expensive one) with her boyfriends family and her parents didn't take him.

Sounds like this may be the last family holiday so no to gf coming

But I would mention noisy sex and tell them to be quiet /less obvious.

Why? What if he didn't have a girlfriend would an all expenses trip to Greece still be awful?

He sees her every day at school, will be on holiday with her for a week and can see her every other day in the holidays if he wants

If anything I think a bit of time apart is probably a good thing! What if they argue or break up during the Italy holiday and you've already bought her ticket?

This might be the last or one of the last holidays you go on just your family so yanbu to want to keep it just you rather than a girlfriend that, let's face it, by the time he goes to uni might be a distant memory. I'd also be a bit wary of 11 year olds hearing their brothers loud sex tbh.

Also the fact that DS didn't ask you originally when you booked if she could come and still hasn't asked now she's invited him to her family's holiday suggests he isn't exactly bothered! It seems to be your dh pushing this.

I also think it's a bit weird that your dh wants you to all split up in pairs over your holiday. Surely the point of going away together is that you do spend time as a family? Yes you might not spend all day every day together but if ds doesn't invite his gf that doesn't mean he will automatically be hanging round with you and dh the whole time! Surely it will just be a mix of all 5 of you sometimes, him spending some time with his siblings and some time doing his own thing.

You don’t have to reciprocate.

My DB had a lot of holidays with a school friend (only child) with a wealthy divorced dad, they took him all over the world as company but my parents didn’t reciprocate with holidays (but they had the friend to stay frequently when the dad was away with work instead).

You could invite her another time or to
something else. It doesn’t have to be your holiday.

You don't have to invite her. I might if your son actually suggests it but as he hasn't I wouldn't bring it up first.

I've felt obliged to invite partners once they are being invited to their partners' family holidays.

I don't enjoy it TBH but I think if the (almost) adult children are invited on your family holiday, and they are being treated as a 'plus one' by the other family, it feels like the polite/appropriate thing to do.

It's a shame though... can't wait until they are all old enough to NOT be invited...

I'm surprised your 17 year old wants to go away with you especially if there is no one his age going it won't be much for him especially as there are much younger siblings.
Id ask her but also say to him his recreational activities are impacting you so he needs to tone it down.

Of course YANBU.
It's kind they want to invite your DS, but that doesn't mean you have to invite his girlfriend with you.
In lots of cases the booking/numbers/costs are confirmed in advance so it's not even always possible to add someone in.

Exactly!!

Just a different perspective - I went on holiday with my ex's family twice (I was with him age 17-21). I loved it. I guess it depends on your stance. His sister was just a bit younger than me and I was very close to his family. I wouldn't in any way say I felt smothered or that it was suffocating so young. We had friends and jobs and a healthy balance. We split up but I have really fond memories being included and embraced rather than anyone trying to say we were too young to be so involved. When my DD gets to that age I'll try to offer the same level of inclusivity if it's within my means (and of course, the young person is relatively easy to get along with!) One thing I might say is, you might never feel comfortable around anyone who isn't your family and I get that it's your holiday. But having a DS means that you might need to feel uncomfortable around a girl who isn't family at some stage or another on a holiday whether it's now or when you have a DIL. Might aswell take it while you have the added perk of babysitting 😝

The noisy sex ... That's just a no. Speak discreetly to your DS.

Yanbu, no need to reciprocate as it will really change the dynamic. And I would be bloody angry with the noisy sex. That is extremely disrespectful and a cheek. He is just 17 and not an adult to be carrying on like that.

At that age it's probably important to your son and he may decide not to go with you on holiday if you don't invite her. Im with your husband here they can entertain each other unless you want to entertain a sad/moping teenager who will be miserable without her. Id honestly say pick your battles especially with teenage son he's sounds like a good one

I wouldn’t invite her. I feel the same way about my brothers girlfriend. They’re kids and have only been ‘together’ a few month. I wouldn’t take that to a family holiday. It’s your house, you should never feel uncomfortable. Already I think he’s being very rude and disrespectful in regard to the noise thing.

Why? This is such a bizarre perspective. The opposite of his preference to have his girlfriend there is not an "awful time". You assume he's not able to entertain himself without her?

I would also say no. Two holidays together is excessive for a teenage, less than a year relationship.

And yes, address the noise.

We had this with ds and said no. It was likely to be the last opportunity for a family holiday and that felt important. Both dc enjoyed spending time together and it was great to have that family time.

You def do not need to invite her nor should her parents expect it.

if you actively wanted to then fine but i think it’s fine to dig your heels in.