Feeling pressured to take DS' girlfriend on holiday

You have some options, from what I can see;

1. your son is in a private school (so is mine, I’m not being judgemental. We also stretched ourselves). This is a setting where some parents are very affluent and some others are just making it work to give their children a private school education. You can remind your 17 year old of this. ‘We stretched ourselves to give you the best we could, and I’m so happy that you have flourished and your gf is wonderful. I don’t know what her father’s / parents situation is financially and that’s not my business, but maybe he can simply afford it and that’s great for them. We have stretched ourselves, already.
2. yes, your husband has a point about being rude, reciprocity and you don’t want to push your son away, but not making an effort with his girlfriend. So you set some ground rules. ‘You are grown up enough to do what you do with your girlfriend, that’s fine. We are staying in a small place on holiday, with your 11 year old siblings who will hear you. Out of respect, if you can agree to tone it down, or refrain for a few days, then we can make it work. If not, then it’s probably not fitting.

I think you should pay for the flight to Italy and leave it at that.

I’d be more inclined to invite her as company for your son. It’s not clear what your son wants though?

Just wondering whether DS's GF's family are happy with hearing their DD having sex (especially her DF). Wouldn't be surprised at all if they don't engage in it whilst they are at her house. What will be their sleeping arrangements in Italy?

I'm being serious.

Oh please!

If you can’t fully relax then do not invite her, I’m the same, I can’t fully relax around others and it’s your holiday, obviously if they last and are 20 you will need to suck it up but at this age no I wouldn’t x

I wouldn't! If he doesn't want to come because hid girlfriend isn't coming, he can stay home. He's lucky u are entertaining him having a girlfriend at that age anyway.

It seems like so much responsibility to me. I couldn’t relax. I get why your DH feels that pressure though.

The teens of all my friends, and my own, definitely still want to go on holiday with their families - as long as it's somewhere involving a plane flight and all activities paid for! Better than being bored at home.

Id invite her. It is awkward of they've invited him and you don't reciprocate. He might only be 17 but he's nearly a grown up and you don't want to exclude someone he obviously wants to be with.

That he wants to go on holiday with HIS family at 17. That is and has been quite unusual for many years. Most teenagers of that age want to do their own thing.

OP, do they spend most of their time/overnights at your house, or do they split their time equally between both houses?

If it's mostly at yours, maybe this is the gf's family's way of reciprocating, and there's no expectation on their part that you invite her.

@socialdilemmawhattodo

why should she be “grateful” he wants to go on a holiday where he’ll be fully paid for?!

I also think it’s really important for the 11 year olds to have proper family holidays with their older brother without the girlfriend along

100%

We have not allowed our 17 year old's girlfriend to spend the night in our home for this very reason. They're 17. 'Playing house' at 16/17is inappropriate imo and makes it harder to end a relationship that isn't working (as you grow, change as a young person) when you treat them as 'grown ups' and part of the 'family' at that age. Also why we would not support our teenagers living with their boy/girlfriends 'to save money'.

That's not a good reason, and again, makes it harder to break up even when it's the right thing to do.

I wouldn't. If he asks, I'd explain that you realise it might be the last holiday he comes on so you really want to enjoy the time together as a family. If he doesn't ask, I wouldn't mention it.

I'd also explain that to DH, this holiday wouldn't be about time as a couple for me, for the same reason!

I'd absolutely take her on holiday with you!

It will make your son happy. Your holiday will be easier as he'll be occupied. It will foster good relations with them if they're together long term. I just think it's really important to be welcoming to all your children's close friends and relationships, it really helps foster a close and relaxed atmosphere.

But yeah I'd have a word about the noisy sex!

I feel the chances of these two kids staying to babysit whilst the parents go out are nil.

Yes, I think you are. Apart from the fact they'll be doing other subjects, Classical languages have always been seen by universities and employers as subjects worth having. Bonus Johnson (not that I'd spit on him if he were on fire) has A levels and a degree in classics.

I'm more concerned that the OP and her DH haven't immediately tackled the two children about having noisy sex in their house.

Whilst you're not obliged to invite her; I do think it's a bit crap that you're allowing her family to take him to Italy free of charge but then not reciprocating the offer or offering to at least pay for your son's airfare.

He's not offered to babysit it was hubby who said this.

I have just had similar and wasn’t easy as the way our accommodation is divided she is somewhat separate, but I was firm that I will not entertain BF or GF on family holidays. If they want to holiday together, then go separate which of course they won’t due to costs.

if her family want to offer then so be it. Doesn’t mean you have to

My DD is a couple of years older than your DS but she's away with her DP's family at the moment and finding it really claustrophobic. I'd certainly not invite his girlfriend until after you find out how they got on in Italy, but I'd be inclined to leave it this year anyway. They can go on holiday together after A-levels if they haven't split up by then.

I would invite her, I agree with your husband.