Friend won’t take the hint about my house

I added a message to this thread by accident & have reposted as a seperate thread.

@TheYearOfSmallThings , not at all, but OP has a friend she does not feel ready to invite over, but the friend keeps pushing for an invite.
Your reply is that you don't care what someone else's house is like. That you don't care isn't the point. OP minds.

I resent the way OP is made to seem to blame for not wishing to invite her pushy friend over.

I lived in my last house for 18 years and after the first two I didn't invite anyone around. When we first moved in it was clear there was a lot to do, and that was fine, so I was very much "take as you find". Over time the rest of the work didn't get done (married to a builder, of course! Wasn't an appealing after-work project!) and as more and more time passed when I felt less than happy in my home that I wanted to invite people into when it was at its best, when it was finally my dream home, I actively discouraged people from visiting, even family. I think I understand how you feel, certainly more than a lot of people posting, who appear to be reading much more into things than they should! Like you, I was always straight with my friends though, said I was disappointed and didn't feel comfortable that I didn't have the home I wanted/anticipated. If she thinks that's weird than it's on her, really. She should accept your feelings on the matter, but maybe she doesn't get the mental angst it gives you. I, on the other hand, do!! :-)

Yes. this is it entirely.
You've explained that you have improvements you want to make and will invite her when you are ready, its not like either of you are in the habit of going to each other's houses, and yet she simply won't take no for an answer and demolishes every reason you give her.
Nevermind the house and its condition, her attitude dismissing your wishes and pushing you is just annoying.

I also had a friend over and I mentioned to her that we'd had some structural work done and now I wanted to make some improvements. I knew she'd been doing that (over a year I might add!) and I asked if she had any ideas, in a general sort of way. I think she thought I meant the entire place.

Boy did she have some ideas! She really went to town on the place. Some of her suggestions were completely daft and I would never have followed in a million years, some things I was going to do, but depended on doing another job first.
After a while it made me feel awful as if I'd never bothered to do anything... so I had to ask her to stop as she was doing my head in. I was actually surprised at how defensive I felt. Luckily she took it in good humour and said she'd just got carried away and we both laughed about it.

The difference is that I (silly me) actually asked her to come round and also to give her opinion. I'd seen her house before and after, and she stopped as soon as I asked her to. It doesn't sound like your friend would and with all her rebuttals of your reasons and your repeated statements that you'd invite her when you'd got through some of the work and were open for visitors is a bit patronising on her part, as if you aren't able to judge for yourself. Sometimes you can't complete one task, until you've done several other tasks first.

In any case, when I meet up with friends, the last thing I want to do is be stuck at home, I want to be out and about. Much more fun.

People why are you so vile!? OP is not comfortable having her friend over so her friend should not push it. It's as simple as that. I'm not a horder and yet I HATE having people over (except children they are always welcome because they never judge) because I suck at decorating and keeping things in order. It's quite minimalistic and It's never dirty but still. I do have people over sometimes for dinner but I Hate it because of the stress it provokes. So I get you OP, and if you were my friend I'd be happy to meet outside:)

What a mental response. It never fails to amaze me that people read what they want and invent the story they want and not what's actually being said or written

I live in London and my friends have always been welcome. They have to take me as they find me, as I do with them.

We are not all paranoid about our homes! 🙄

Ooh look, you really are the thread police

I understand I've no judgement but it's unusual so friend may not understand . But as I said also it's weird that friend is so persistent.

@TheYearOfSmallThings , OP doesn't need your assurance. Your post is about you and is not the same.

@SlovenlyOldSlut ,ignore her.

To be honest you are both the problem and the solution. Clean your house.

It must be bad for a friend to have already intervened in the past.

Fair enough then, clearly ignore me!

But I assure you my friends don't care. They are comfortable with their lives, and their friendships and self respect do not rely on keeping up an image that is endangered by letting people in.

@CleanCityBird , if that's aimed at me, visitors in their 40s.
Bizarre behaviour like going to use the bathroom but while upstairs nipping into my study and having a rummage. Opening cupboard and drawers 'to see what I kept in there', being rude about furniture, furnishings, food etc. Moving furniture and ornaments. Accidentally breaking things. Not using the coffee table but putting a glass on the floor instead etc

An annoying one was a visitor in a room with an obvious path in it would move the chair so the path was blocked, then refuse to move, when there were plenty of alternative seating.

It's not about mess but about the home not being a sanctuary.

Guests don’t behave? How old are your guests? 5? All this misplaced understanding for what clearly is a serious problem is ludicrous.
Id love her friend to see this post & id bet there a whole other side to it & parts of what going on has been omitted. Her friend is being normal. She is not.

@SlovenlyOldSlut

OP, I completely feel your pain and I think you've had some really harsh replies on this thread. I have my own issues going on at home and I don't want anyone to visit. I would not feel happy or comfortable either. People are so insensitive and the "you should see my place" comments drive me to distraction. Sounds like your friend is not going to get that hint. If the worst comes to the worst you'll have to back off from this friendship before it affects your mental health.

OP, you paint a picture of a delightful person and an even more delightful friendship. Seeing each other's homes is a natural part of that process in a great many friendships, however, I've heard it enough times over the years when people casually mention mid conversation something to the effect of "in all that time I never once went to her house" and similar, so it'd not like it's alien not to see their home.

A friend of mine once spoke about some friends of her husband's, who'd moved to a brand new house on my road. They went to see them, so of course I said "what was the house like?" to which she told me they never got a guided tour, they went into one room for coffee, and that was it.

She described them as "not the sort of people who show you round", and said in all the years these folk had lived in their other house, she'd never once been upstairs. We're all different.

You friend, @SlovenlyOldSlut, for her it's clearly normal to her to see people's homes. All you need to do is making a point of politely telling her that "you're not that sort of person". Don't say it lightly as part of an add-on to a conversation, make it a stand-alone conversation where you tell her how you feel and how you appreciate the friendship, but that doesn't extend to your home.

I mean, it's not like you're all take, take, take...you do things together and you meet up on neutral ground, so not being at your house isn't the same as not returning an invitation to meet up etc.

Will that point ever come though? Another six years? They will pass just like the last six, and by then another 20 things will need fixing or replacing.

My house has a shabby hall and stairs carpet, some of my double glazing units are misted, and the new bath panel has been standing against the side of a wardrobe so long I believe it may now be structurally part of the house. There are a dozen other things that need doing, and there always will be. But I invite friends around anyway because I am definitely not going to look back on decades where I couldn't allow people into my life because the integrated door has come off the front of the washing machine again.

I don't care if my friends have 1970s kitchens hanging by a thread, or never got around to fully unpacking since they moved last year. I really don't care at all. But I do care if we can't sit talking shite at their kitchen table.

Don't be ridiculous

YANBU

I would initiate a discussion with your friend. I would state you are not comfortable and would rather she not bring it up. You will have them over in 6 months or so.

I have a lovely friend with a gorgeous house. They just don't enjoy people in their home space. I'm totally fine with that.

One of my DC does not like to have friends over, even though they are very welcome.

We have had a leak and my OH is not comfortable to have visitors. I don't even worry about cleaning or tidying when close friends or siblings come over. I'm happy if the bathroom/toilet is clean.

@SlovenlyOldSlut i get it. I’m in a similar position and have been for the last 6 months.

Massive squishes. Ask her to stop harking on about it and that you’ll invite her at some point but in the mean time let’s go do x/y and have some fun.

Why are you being such a twat to a stranger? Dial the projection down and go say all that to your mother....it might make the urge to do it to strangers lessen

She doesn't want her over. It doesn't matter why.

@SlovenlyOldSlut Yes I totally understand that. I have a lot of little jobs that need to be done. But sometimes to do one job you have to do a few other first and it’s all a bit much when your mind isn’t in the right place.

But yes, the larger jobs that need doing make it harder. I’d love to rearrange my utility room into one of those lovely neat ones you see on Insta with big matching cupboards and everything neatly arranged. But to do that I’d need to remove a stud wall and put a door back up that the previous owners removed when the put the stud wall up. And like you, I’d like to change all my doors. That’s not a skill I have myself so I’d have to get a carpenter or handyman in to adjust and fit them. Therefore - not gonna get done for a while. And whilst it’s all a random mess of stuff that doesn’t match or fit well it’s much harder to keep clean and tidy.