AIBU to get a back up as I don’t like flower girl dress?

Zebedee2024

but they’re not having any of it so I’m just leaving them to it and let them discover on the day she’s not gonna do it

On reflection, that does sound a bit harsh.
I understand your frustration but I'm sure you don't want to deliberately sabotage your SiL's wedding.
If I were you I'd have one more go at getting in touch and really emphasising that what they're planning absolutely won't work.

What's the eye roll for? 20 months IS late to be walking at the OP has confirmed she's being monitored for it

I don't think there's anything wrong with changing her after the photo OP. As long as it's the same colour it shouldn't really matter

I would use this as a reason I'm assuming a bridesmaid will carry her down and aisle? Say you don't Want the dress ruined and you will change her after the .photos into something she can crawl about in.

Presumably your daughter will be held during the ceremony if she's not walking? So put her in the lovely expensive dress whilst she's sat on your lap, get the photos, and then either just let her crawl around in her vest and tights at the reception (and say that you didn't want to ruin the dress!) or bring a spare cheap dress for that same purpose.

The plan is she will either hold a bridesmaid hand or push her walker down the aisle both of which will be a total disaster and she will not do either

So even if she is reliably walking it's still not happening?

Would it be kinder just to say now that it's not happening?

I'd say nothing, change after photos into a pretty but not occasion dress and say she had a poo explosion or was sick or something.

Don't overthink it. I doubt they're thinking much about this, they have a thousand other things to organise and in their minds they've done the right thing by asking her and ordered a dress so it's ticked off the list.

Presumably you'll see them the day before the wedding if you have to travel? Just ask the bride casually what she'd like you to do if DD won't walk or crawl by herself - carry her yourself or just take her out? Don't mention the dress.

Then buy a white cotton sundress and change her after the photos. If anyone comments just say you were worried she'd wreck the dress crawling or eating so you thought it best to change her as the dress is so lovely you'd hate to ruin it.

Your DD is important to you but she'll hardly be registering for them.

I'd basically do this and, if chatting to the bride later that day, say it was a beautiful dress but because she was crawling around in it, I changed her so the dress wasn't ruined.

Yikes. And they won't be told at all?

I think I'd try again...

"I'm a bit worried about potentially messing up your wedding ceremony. I really don't think DD can be "trained" to push a baby walker up the aisle and I think she's likely to scream if we try and get her to go with one of the bridesmaids rather than me. What's the plan B? I could carry her up the aisle myself if you really want her there. Or she could just sit in my lap and look sweet in her dress."

Unrelated to the flower girl dress but have you seen a doctor about this? She could just be a late developer but you should get her assessed just in case.

🙄

Unrelated to the flower girl dress but have you seen a doctor about this? She could just be a late developer but you should get her assessed just in case.

In a way this should make the dress issue easier to deal with.

"Hi bride, as you know DD still isn't walking, we all thought she would be before the wedding but she still isn't really showing any signs of being ready. That means the flower girl dress isn't really appropriate for her stage of development because she won't be able to crawl in it. Obviously still very happy for her to wear it for the ceremony and photos when she'll be being held, but after that I plan to put her in something she'll be able to crawl in, because we can't keep her in our arms all day! Hope this is OK with you, I know the dress was expensive and you want your photos to look just right."

Would they let you carry her? If you're not in a bridesmaid dress it would be obvious you're not in the bridal party but she is. You'd just be a well dressed mobility aid.

My DD was flower girl at 3 months, I was a bridesmaid and carried her. I thought flower girl was just a nice way to include little girls in the family, I didn't think walking was an essential part of the job description.

Just tell her, she’s not a mind reader and making alternative plans is just passive aggressive - you’re creating this into a drama. If you’re close enough for your daughter to be a flower girl you can call her up and talk about the dress.

Is it your partners sister getting married? Can’t he talk to her about the dress and reiterate about her not walking up the aisle.

Zebedee2024

Right, I see.
Oh dear...

I don’t understand how a child who isn’t even walking age can be a flower girl.

But yes, change her into something else after the ceremony and photos - she’ll be grumpy if she’s uncomfortable and I’m sure the bride would rather a cheerful baby at the reception than a fractious one!

Tell her you were worried her beautiful fg dress might get dirty/ spoiled so brought the other for after the ceremony

So, is your daughter going to crawl up the aisle after your SiL?
Or are you going to push her in a pushchair?
I'd say she's not a "toddler" if she's not actually toddling - my 1st DD was a late walker too and I was never quite sure what to call her!

Edited for random capital letter

"Hello bride. Thanks for the flower girl dress which arrived this week. Happy for DD to wear it during the ceremony and for the photos but afterwards I plan to change her into something more comfortable because she won't be able to crawl in this dress. Just wanted to give you a heads up in advance. Looking forward to seeing everyone for the wedding next month!"

Your DD can't walk yet and is going to be a flower girl in 2-6 weeks time?
This has disaster written all over it even before you factor in the dress, surely?

SIL won't even notice on the day, just change her after the photos. Don't get a second flower girl style dress so it doesn't look like you're making a point. Don't make a big deal or overthink now.