AIBU to get a back up as I don’t like flower girl dress?

My two were flower girl and page boy at a colleague of DH’s wedding. They could both walk but were too little not to freak out when it came to it, so in the event the bride was preceded up the aisle by… DH, her manager, clutching a nervous looking toddler in each hand.

My daughter was a flower girl when she was about 15 months. She was walking at the time, but only just. We just sat out the aisle walking bit.
I also changed her dress during the meal.

Why lie? It’s not offensive or a faux pas to discuss altering or exchanging the dress to something a bit more suitable for a young child.

Ow dear! Sorry OP the bride and MIL obviously have no idea. Your DD could still be walking by the wedding you never know. DS didn’t crawl and walked straight off at almost 14 months.

DD was also a flower girl when she was young. SIL asked when she was a baby fortunately by the ceremony she could walk but she was still very young I think about 14 months and still understandably only in nappies. Like your SIL mine posted us a dress and I wasn’t keen it was a sleeveless dress and the wedding was in December no cape or coat etc. In the end I could see why it was chosen as it was very similar to
the brides dress but it really stressed me out and I had visions of DD tripping up and really injuring herself. She also sent DD some gorgeous but totally unsuitable little shoes to wear from Monsoon in the wrong size. I asked if DD could please wear her own shoes as she was only just walking and the dress was so long they were barely visible (and she would have more chance of staying upright which was agreed).

The brides (unrealistic) expectation after meeting DD twice some time ago was by the time the wedding arrived DD would just go to brides house to have her hair done on the morning (she had met her twice some time ago and didn’t realise she was still practically bald by the wedding date) and arrive at the church with the main wedding party (not sure who would be able to change her nappy or calm her down if she got upset) in a sleeveless long dress (with no coat). We contacted the bride to ask if we bought her a shrug or furry cape if she could wear either of those to arrive in and in and in church which was agreed (she wore both as we even had snow). We explained about the hair situation and explained DD would be better with us until the actual ceremony as she was only little and as family lived away she didn’t really know them well. We agreed DH would wait with her at the back of the church until the bridesmaid she knew a little arrived, then he would take his seat) just as well as the bridal party were extremely late. DD walked down the aisle with the bridesmaid she knew and then rushed to my arms and promptly fell asleep in my arms for the duration of the ceremony. The photos took an eternity (but we scooped DD off on a slightly extended car journey so her and her slightly older brother who was over tired could have a sleep in the car so they weren’t too tired and grumpy later. This worked a treat I carried a handbag and a massive pram bag with small toys, some treats, books and snacks). This was a godsend but by the time we got to sit down to food all my snacks had been used up and the kids and all other guests were starving.

It ended up a lovely day. I had really got myself stressed prior to the wedding and communication was done via MIL
as I didn’t know the bride well (which added to my stress levels). The bride was lovely when I spoke to her and I should have gone to her first she just had unrealistic expectations about babies/toddlers. Speak to the bride OP. Like ours if you explain to the bride I am sure it will be a lovely day enjoyed by all.

OP, be a bit more assertive - are you going to let your young daughter be uncomfortable and frustrated all day because you won’t speak up on something that’s very very fixable?

Unless it was literally made for her, your SIL will be able to exchange it.If it was made for her, and your SIL really wants her to wear it, she can get someone alter the length.

I think this is what I’ll end up doing tbh and god knows how the wedding breakfast will go! She refuses to stay in a high chair at home she climbs out so she has her own toddler table and chair which obviously she won’t have at the wedding. I am looking forward to it but I think it’s just going to be very stressful for me and my husband*

Yep! My DD didn't cheer up even after the ceremony, so I had to ring a family member to come and collect her! They brought her back for the evening reception and she was fine by then! But your wedding is presumably in Scotland? So not an option I don't imagine.
Good luck!

Yeah he was the same! He was also massive so by two years old I had muscles like Arnie from lumping him around!

Yeah it's going to be a long day, weddings aren't particularly toddler friendly! It'll be ok though.

I'd talk to her about the dress OP.

On the issue around her walking. My lad couldn't crawl til he was 19 months old and couldn't walk til he was two, absolutely nothing wrong with him he was just a lazy little bugger! Didn't stop talking though!

Oh dear, this has got disaster written all over it! Mind you, you've now said your DH is a groomsman so it makes sense for him to 'walk' your DD down the aisle.

When my daughter was a bit younger than yours, my SIL wanted her to be a flower girl. Well, I spent the entire ceremony outside with a miserable, crying, wriggling toddler!

I do think its sounds harsh but because of the effect on the child.

marmiteoneverything

I don’t think it sounds harsh!

Fair enough - you're entitled to your opinion

Sil can’t tell anyone what to wear after the ceremony, I wouldn’t hesitate to rip it off!
Alternatively, see if it can be shortened. A toddler in a long dress is plain daft.

I don’t think it sounds harsh!

I think it sounds like they want the OP’s daughter to participate for the cute factor/photos and they’re not really interested in the practicalities or whether or not the little girl will actually enjoy taking part.

No!! this is not kind to the child. Mum should be protecting her child and if this means Big Mum Boots then that's what it takes.

Just stop worrying about it you have said to them it might not work out let them figure it out. Definitely change her dress though, apart from the length does it fit her could it be altered so she can crawl about in it?

I think I’d have one last try at telling them that the lack of walking, the clinginess to you and the huge, heavy dress is most likely going to cause a grumpy, crying toddler rather than the cute image they’re hoping for, and suggest it might be an idea to scrap the flower girl idea apart from pictures. If they really aren’t having it then it’s their tough luck if they goes wrong!

Yup this. Your child is not a toy or a wedding accessory and its up to you to advocate for her. "Dear Auntie, I need to give you a heads up that the lovely plan for toddler to be your flower girl will need some changes. Yes everybody expected her to be able to do xyz by now but she isn't and the lovely dress isn't suitable for her to wear for any length of time at her stage of development so she won't be (wearing the dress all the time, walking up the aisle, plus anthing else expected that now won't happen) The options are a,b,c. Please let me know which you think would be best. love @Zebedee2024"
At least then you can't be blamed for huge mess up.....well people can try of course but you will have done what you can.

I agree! You don’t want her crying and trying to get back to you in the middle of the ceremony.

I’d try to find a polite way of saying it might be better for her not to be a flower girl. Something like “We really appreciate you wanting to include her in the wedding but I think she will get upset at being apart from us and I don’t want your ceremony to be disrupted. So it may be best if she doesn’t go down the aisle”.

Then SIL can either say that you or DH can carry her down the aisle, or agree that it’s best for her not to be in the ceremony.

The last wedding I was at, the toddler flower girl - who was capable of walking - was accompanied by her mother down the aisle. I'd have thought that was entirely normal!

It's honestly a no brainer that you should change your dd out of this unsuitable dress after the photos into something cool and comfortable.

Zebedee2024

Ah, fair enough.
Annoying for you.