To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

Well, she's as subtle as a brick, isn't she?

When I was pregnant with my second, we had the perfect time to announce, as the whole family was together for my sons birthday. We didn't live close - everyone had travelled. Perfect! Only we didn't announce, because my friend was there, and I knew she had been trying to get pregnant for 10 months with no success. It's not hard to consider others!!!!

She is thoughtless. But there's never a good time. We struggled with fertility baby news was hard. A friend and a relation also struggled. When I finally got pregnant friend and relative cut me dead even though I'd handled it sensitively. Friend forgave me when she got pregnant. I don't think relative did for many years.

You poor thing. Very thoughtless of her. Why couldn't she just tell you in person?

I can understand how you feel a bit, years ago my SIL announced a pregnancy via message to us a few weeks after I'd had a miscarriage. Why she just didn't pick up the phone to call her brother and tell him I don't know. Messages can come in at totally unsuitable times where someone wouldn't necessarily disturb with a conversation. It isn't right we weren't designed for this. Stupid digital world

God that's really really shit and i feel for you OP

I endured a surprise announcement by BIL and SIL at a family meal out for SIL's b.day. The scan photo handed round the restaurant table. DH and i were a week after a late loss after trying for 2 years. They knew this. They're nice people, but even though that was 12/13 years ago i can still remember the pain. Then a month after that other SIL got preg. 😫

Struggling with TTC can make us very very sensitive and emotional and unless you've been through it in some way it's impossible to know how it can effect you.

More OP

Sounds like a mistake, awfully badly but as PP says, an insensitive way to tell you regardless.

Maybe back off a bit. I've had a rough time lately and the insensitive things people come out with are truly gobsmacking.

I just don't think we learn how to manage other people's hard times well on the whole until later in life.

Please don't let this ruin your weekend xx

So she waited until 12w and chose your birthday on your weekend away to tell you? That’s thoughtless at best. Shows she has zero concern for you and what you’re going through. If she’d sent a really gentle message, she could be forgiven for not remembering it’s your birthday. If you are friends, she really shouldn’t forget that you’ve had 5 rounds of IVF!

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope it all works out for you and you’re having a lovely birthday weekend (apart from this!).

YANBU. I would say that's calculated to be honest. She knows your situation and any reasonable person would be considerate and think about a kind way to break the news. An OTT excited message is not the correct way to tell someone who has just failed in their fifth IVF attempt that they're pregnant, and on their birthday FFS.

Sorry to hear of your struggles I hope things work out for you. She is not your friend.

YANBU, that’s extremely thoughtless.

I would distance myself further tbh, she sounds like the type that finds it impossible to have a conversation without reminding everyone they’re pregnant.

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. The second message makes it worse imho, and I would definitely be distancing myself, as I think she’s already showing her lack of sensitivity and empathy, and I’m not sure she’s going to get better as her pregnancy progresses. Definitely time to look after yourself. I hope that you and your DH can enjoy the rest of your birthday trip and that your next round works for you ☀️

Firstly, Happy Birthday..I hope you are having a lovely celebration.

Secondly, you are not unreasonable at all ..the "pregnancy brain" text just rubs salt into a wound and is spectacularly thoughtless.

I hope that you get your own time to announce your happy news soon, but in the meantime, enjoy the time with your DH and try and celebrate your birthday without giving her another thought.

That is so inconsiderate of her. Is she always so thoughtless? I’d take my time to offer a simple congratulations text and then back off from her tbh.

I did took 15 year but I did. It was the one month we didn't try. I wish you all the best of luck. Please try and forget this Lady's message. She properly kicking herself having forgotten it was your birthday. Xxx

I appreciate you're struggling but...I'm guessing she's told other people and wanted you to find out from her rather than second hand, so thought best to tell you by text while you have your DH with you? Being honest, there was never going to be a good time for you to hear this news, and it might have been worse to hear it at work and then have to get on with your working day. It sounds like she's given you loads of support, and now she's sharing the best thing that ever happened to her and you're rewriting history in your head to make here 'self-centred' because despite what you say obviously really you're not happy for her and you wish she wasn't pregnant. It's OK to feel that but I think YABU and unfair to your friend.

Yeah I'm totally with you here. She sounds like a twat. Has she just done the test? Or has she waited until 12 weeks and chosen this exact moment to announce it?

@Butterbeansontoast

It sounds like you both talk in depth about your journeys to having a baby? Has she struggled at all either? If you found out you were pregnant, would you tell her immediately, as the person you have confided in for the whole journey?

Only you know her well enough to judge if this is her instantly sharing news that you would both be elated by hearing from the other, or deliberately trying to upset you.

YANBU, it could have been a genuine mistake because she had forgotten it was your birthday (possible, my memory is awful for these things) but then the second message should have been along the lines of “oh my gosh I’m so sorry, I totally forgot it was your birthday, I hope you’re having a lovely trip”.

Hope you can box this one away for now and enjoy your trip.

Yanbu. She is being incredibly thoughtless. A close friend of mine had 6 rounds of IVF in the end. However I got pregnant just a couple of years into her journey. We were at the point close work colleagues/friends. I really worried about the best way to tell her as I knew the impact it would have (and the guilt she would feel about having a sad reaction). I didn't know whether to text her to give her space to have her reaction in private, or if that felt too light and in person was better. In the end we went out for dinner and I told her towards the end as gently as I could. I ended up in tears as I told her, trying my best to bloody not cry because it wasn't my pain or about me!! I'm still not sure (8 years later!) if face to face was right as it put her a bit on the spot. But we're still really close so it was obviously OK enough.

However in my friends experience most people don't know how to handle it, feel awkward and unsure (as I did!) and err on just acting normal. Perhaps your friend felt it'd be patronising to treat you any differently to how she treats any other friend? Because I worried about that too. I'm backtracking on my initial reaction of her being thoughtless and trying to think of a more charitable way to see it.

Either way I think it's easy for people to underestimate the absolute mind fuck of being pleased for your friend and at the same time desperately sad, disappointed and angry at the unfairness. It's a horrid place to be OP, I'm sorry.

Yeah it's thoughtless. But I think she wanted to share the news with you. But as a fellow ivf warrior I can understand how you feel

That was really shitty of her but at least it's given you the reality of what she is like so you can decide what to do from here on. I think in your shoes it would be difficult to maintain a friendship with a pregnant friend who was extremely considerate, but someone like this it's just not possible. She didn't show any care towards you and for your own sake I would withdraw.

Yes, she’s absolutely stupidly tone deaf.

Yeah, she was thoughtless and insensitive.
Hope you're ok OP, and that you did manage to have a nice birthday (sorry, haven't read the full thread).
x

So so insensitive. Im sorry for your struggles, best of luck!!!