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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

193 replies

Butterbeansontoast · 17/07/2024 06:59

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

OP posts:
Tumblingjungleofchaos · 17/07/2024 09:50

Dreadfully thoughtless and the second text makes it much worse.

I hope she apologises.

I'd be careful from now on, how much you invest in this friendship.

Beautiful3 · 17/07/2024 09:33

That was totally thoughtless of her. She could have waited until after your birthday. I'm really sorry you're going through this op. Perhaps spend less time interacting with her. Be nice but make yourself too busy to see her. Distraction is a great tool.

Georgethecat1 · 17/07/2024 09:29

She’s an arse in my opinion. Even before my miscarriages with my first pregnancy I texted people before the news got out and said they didn’t have to respond so they could process privately. I never would have done it on a friends birthday.

Greatmate · 17/07/2024 09:23

I think it was very thoughtless and inconsiderate of her. Maybe she was excited or maybe she felt uncomfortable or worried to tell you and thought she'd drop it on a happy day. After year of fertility issues and treatments ( it took me 7 years to have my first) I'm not surprised by the thoughtless, callous and downright wanker things say and do.

Original poster
Butterbeansontoast · 17/07/2024 09:14

Thanks everyone. She definitely knew it was my birthday and that I’d be away as we chatted about it in the office the day before. Nothing in depth just friendly office chat.

Right, I’m going to be off out now and enjoy my day.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 17/07/2024 09:02

That was incredibly thoughtless and insensitive of her (especially with the later birthday message) and I'd have probably told her that.
So sorry for your struggles Flowers

CelesteCunningham · 17/07/2024 08:58

What a bitch.

Have a lovely birthday weekend OP, your DH sounds lovely.

SummerDays2020 · 17/07/2024 08:56

No, that wasn't fair. I'm sorry for your struggles Flowers

Busybeemumm · 17/07/2024 08:55

ChristmasFluff · 17/07/2024 08:42

OP. if you read 'People of the Lie' by M Scott Peck it will explain the type of person you are dealing with here. It's exactly the kind of thing these people do, because it spoils things for people and messes with their heads, whilst still containing deniability of the intention to hurt.

Few people understand how psychopaths work, so they are explaining this away as thougtlessness/ 'doing their best'. It's actually calculated and cruel. If someone did this to me, I'd be cutting them off.

No-one 'forgets' that a friend/colleague has struggles with infertility, so it was insensitive anyway. but to choose your birthday getaway as a time to announce it? Yeah, far more going on here than just being thoughtless.

I agree,it sounds like more than just thoughtlessness and quite callous.

Do you think she behaves like this as you pulled back although this isn't to excuse her.

I would avoid her from now on and hope you didn't respond to the pathetic second message.

Standupcitizen · 17/07/2024 08:54

She's no friend of yours. What a cow.

SeeSeeRider · 17/07/2024 08:54

I don't completely know if the 'friend' was being deliberately cruel, spiteful, or even thoughtless, but it can be awfully disconcerting to realise that someone in your life has a big blank empty space in their being where you thought consideration for your feelings was. Maybe made worse by preggo brain, but whatever. Bye-bye or slow fade is what I do.

Kingsleadhat · 17/07/2024 08:53

Butterbeansontoast · 17/07/2024 07:09

Thanks everyone. It is nice to hear that my feeling are not wholly unreasonable. I don’t think there was any calculated malice behind it (although she can be very self-centred) but her second message in my eyes felt like rubbing it in even more. It was me who pulled away from the friendship in the first place and I will see how it goes from here.

I'm so sorry for your recent loss infertility fucking sucks. I think it's the second message that would wind me up even more than the first. It comes across as gloating. Be prepared for her to draw attention to the pregnancy non stop from now on . Pregnancy brain my arse.

Viviennemary · 17/07/2024 08:51

Yes she was insensitive and a bit selfish and thoughtless. Bit too full of herself I'd say. Don't bother with her too much for the foreseeable future.

ChristmasFluff · 17/07/2024 08:42

OP. if you read 'People of the Lie' by M Scott Peck it will explain the type of person you are dealing with here. It's exactly the kind of thing these people do, because it spoils things for people and messes with their heads, whilst still containing deniability of the intention to hurt.

Few people understand how psychopaths work, so they are explaining this away as thougtlessness/ 'doing their best'. It's actually calculated and cruel. If someone did this to me, I'd be cutting them off.

No-one 'forgets' that a friend/colleague has struggles with infertility, so it was insensitive anyway. but to choose your birthday getaway as a time to announce it? Yeah, far more going on here than just being thoughtless.

lowflyingtitties · 17/07/2024 08:42

She was incredibly thoughtless and insensitive, hopefully not malicious. Some people are so emotionally unintelligent it beggars belief. I think you need to brace yourself a little here OP, this is a sign of things to come.
I hope you are having a lovely trip away 💐

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 17/07/2024 08:40

That’s super insensitive of her. I was very careful about how I told my friends with fertility struggles and never offered any extra pregnancy chat unless specifically asked.

Okayornot · 17/07/2024 08:39

Thoughtless at best.

I'm sorry things have been so hard for you.

TheOGCCL · 17/07/2024 08:38

YANBU. Not classy.

Projectme · 17/07/2024 08:34

Im so sorry about your IVF journey. 💐 that must be so hard for you both.

You'd already started to distance yourself from this person so you already knew something wasn't right for you in the friendship so her behaviour hasn't been a massive surprise but christ, that is so cruel and thoughtless. She could have waited at last another week before telling you even if that did run the risk of you finding out from someone else!

I really hope you can come back on here in the coming months to tell us your own good news OP 🙏

Roselilly36 · 17/07/2024 08:32

She’s no friend OP, very inconsiderate, she should have waited to tell you, don’t let it spoil your lovely trip away. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Scirocco · 17/07/2024 08:32

I'm sorry, @Butterbeansontoast , that's awful of her. No matter how excited she might have been about her news, she could have told you in a different way at a different time, which would have been less painful.

Didimum · 17/07/2024 08:27

I struggle to understand how she could not have taken a moment’s pause to think how and when to best deliver the news. What a shame. Did she 100% know the day of the trip to the point that it would definitely be in her recent memory? For example if someone told me something 2 weeks ago, I don’t think I’d remember that detail.

Surprisedcupcake · 17/07/2024 08:27

Yanbu, this exact thing happened to someone I know last year and it was so upsetting to witness. Even if it's not intentionally malicious, it's incredibly insensitive and careless. I definitely don't maintain relationships with people who are careless with other people's feelings.
The IVF journey is incredibly distressing, I have my fingers crossed for you.

HappyVegemite · 17/07/2024 08:19

I once had a ‘friend’ like this. We were having coffee and I told her that I had just had a miscarriage (no children as yet at this point), she was quite nice and supportive and then the very next thing she told me was that she was pregnant with her second…
To this day i genuinely don’t know how i kept it together.

I was genuinely happy for her, and I would’ve happily heard this at almost any other time, but it just seemed so wrong to choose the exact time I told her about my miscarriage.
We’re still friends, but I’ve never forgotten and I no longer view her as a close friend.

MandyFriend · 17/07/2024 08:17

What a thoughtless and selfish thing to do. It almost makes it worse if it was unintentional The old saying, with friends like this, you don't need enemies could not be more true! If she was truly your friend, she could have found a much more sensitive way to tell you her news without upsetting you on your birthday.